Individuals who believe that certain acts cannot be forgiven are usually holding on to some mistaken beliefs about forgiveness. Once those beliefs are changed, then the peace that follows from forgiveness is possible.
How do you forgive?
Forgiveness is a process that often takes time, and is not simply a quick statement of “I forgive.” There are many published forgiveness processes, such as Enright’s process shown in Appendix
A. Luskin’s (2001) 9-step process follows:
- Acknowledge how you feel about what happened and that the situation is not OK. Share your experience, and your feelings, with one or two trusted people.
- Understand that forgiveness is a process that can make you feel better. Commitment to feel better and to forgive.
- Understand that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action.
- Change your perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your current distress is coming from the hurt feelings and thoughts that you are having now, not what originally offended you two minutes, or five years, ago. Realize you can choose a different response than hurt.
- If the hurt recurs, practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response. Several deep breaths can be very effective.
- Give up expecting things from other people that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the unenforceable rules you have for how others “should” behave, and lighten up on them.
- Stop mentally replaying your hurt and seek. Find positive ways to channel your energy.
- Instead of focusing on wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness resources personal power.
- Instead of retelling your grievance story, tell the story about your choice to forgive, and the power and peace it has restored to you.
Self-forgiveness
We are all imperfect, and there will be times when we make mistakes. We tend to be our own toughest critics. Often people do not realize that the person they need to forgive is themselves. When you forgive yourself you let go of blame, shame, guilt and fear.
Self forgiveness is not difficult to master. Simply think about the things that have been said or done to cause pain and hurt. Accept that the deed is done and it cannot be undone. Find a solution if necessary, or if it cannot be rectified then let it go because the past cannot be changed.
Application to Coaching
Forgiveness is one tool that may help a client move forward. A coach can be a supportive and trusting ear for the client to share the feelings around the grievance; the coach can uncover underlying beliefs that are blocking the possibility of forgiveness; the coach and client can generate new perspectives to view the grievance and help the client find new ways how to move forward. Many people are not practicing forgiveness because of their misunderstandings or lack of process around it. Yet forgiveness may be the action that is necessary for a person to have greater fulfillment, happiness, or peace. This makes forgiveness an ideal tool for coaching – when it fits the client’s agenda.
Fulfillment coaching:
There may be a gap between today’s suffering, and the desired state of peace or fulfillment. Forgiveness may be one way to bridge that gap, and step towards what the client really wants.
Underlying beliefs and building awareness:
In the first section some of the beliefs that block forgiveness were discussed.
The most common ones are:
It will be difficult for someone to forgive if they are holding these beliefs. The coach has a role in exploring underlying beliefs, and helping the client release them.
Powerful questions:
Following are some powerful questions that can allow venting, help build awareness and discover underlying beliefs, encourage responsibility, and allow forgiveness to be one perspective for moving forward.
Power tools, and building different perspectives
Responsibility versus blame:
Blaming is victim behaviour, and forgiveness is an act of responsibility. Forgiveness is a choice. When someone says, “I can’t forgive that person,” what you’re really saying is, “I’m choosing not to forgive that person.” Helping a person see that forgiveness is an act of responsibility may help move them towards forgiveness.
Responding versus reacting:
Responding with anger and resentment to the actions of others can be a reactive choice. Forgiveness is a powerful, courageous action.
Change perspective:
There are very few things that are 100% bad, and as they say, everycloud has a silver lining. What good things emerged as a result of this grievance? Was there a change in the client because of this? For example, often dealing with a hardship increases selfconfidence, and decreases fear about handling difficult situations.