Your new best friend has become your computer screen. You don’t need to leave home… for groceries; clothes; house hold goods, cyber sex; paying bills; ordering food as all could be done at a push of a button from the comfort of your living room. Pretty cushty right? This feeds into that ‘instant’ feeling gratitude. The world has become not only smaller, but twenty times faster! Why is everyone in so much of a hurry?
“My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still I’ve got another three goes.” Sally Poplin, author.
Internet Dating
Here is a case study of a miscommunication of a potential romance meeting online.
Sally is an attractive, slim, woman, long raven hair, soulful brown eyes, an accomplished author, in her late 30s. She desperately wants to meet her ‘match’ as she wants to start a family someday. Scouring through the list of possible partners on an internet dating service, her eyes stop on a rather handsome man, with salt n’ pepper hair, blue eyes, kind smile and great physique. She reads his profile and learns he’s a chiropractor (bingo!); he’s 45; never been married and wants children. In fact he writes: “All of my friends are married and I love playing the role of uncle to their kids, but I really want this for myself someday.” Upon further reading, she also learns he’s spiritual; outdoorsy; sporty and has a passion for wine tasting. Her favourite pastime. Sally immediately emails an introduction to him. The next day, she receives a welcoming “hello, I’d like to hear more about you!” in her in-box. They exchange emails for the rest of the week until he suggests they progress to audio. He calls her and they discover they have good phone chemistry after talking for almost an hour. They make plans to meet up the following weekend on a Saturday night for dinner.
The date: There is instant chemistry on a physical level and the rest of the evening is filled of laughter, sharing of each others’ horror dating stories and what they want in the future. Sally feels excited that there is an emotional connection and Matthew goes home feeling excited to see her again. Their date lasted six hours.
Sally doesn’t even bother to check her online dating emails as she wants to focus on getting to know Matthew. However, Matthew checks his inbox. He thinks a few things: “Sally was great. I like her a lot and I’m attracted to her, but who knows what’s going to happen, I may be missing out on someone else who is even more of a catch than Sally!”
Over the next few weeks, they go out on four more dates. They kiss and become emotionally and physically intimate with one another. Sally is enjoying how this is progressing. It feels organic and because Matthew has been so generous with taking her out to nice restaurants and even bought her flowers on one occasion, she feels secure and doesn’t feel the need to enquire if he’s actually dating anyone else. Matthew is feeling ‘desired’ too and his ego is being satisfied. He likes Sally’s company a lot but still wonders if there is someone ‘better’ out there. He’s paid money for the dating service for six months, and Sally was his first date, so why not get his money’s worth, right?
Then out of the blue, a few days go by when she doesn’t hear from Matthew. It bothers her, but she doesn’t want to appear ‘needy’ and puts it down to his busy schedule. Then it becomes four days and he hasn’t called her to make plans for the weekend. She begins to feel emotional, insecure, angry, and confused, so she calls him and leaves a message on his voicemail.
She then decides to check her dating inbox. Not only has she received several emails from other men of which she’s not interested as she likes Matthew, but she also notices that he has checked his account in the last 24 hours and has been quite active in the weeks they’ve dated. She had consciously not addressed this as she didn’t want to appear ‘possessive’ or ‘insecure’ as she knows these traits frighten men off and she wasn’t sure he felt the same way about her.
Sally feels like a leaded balloon and awaits the call from Matthew……………
How can coaching help in this miscommunication?
Sally would greatly benefit from a coaching session as she needs to keep up with modern technology of dating on-line.
A coach would examine the following: underlying beliefs; reframing perspectives; creating more awareness of her actions/thoughts/feelings; examine her core values and life purpose; address her communication skills; and make her feel empowered by acknowledging her gutsiness in ‘putting herself out there’.
It is imperative that the coach releases all judgment and establishes trust with their client.
Suggested Coaching Questions:
Some of the Power Tools to include here are:
Another good tool would be a visualization exercise. Asking her to write down a list of attributes she’s looking for in a partner and focusing on this intention. And to explore her inner compass further, so she’s in tune with who she is and is clear on what she’s looking for and will read future red flags.
Conclusion
In concluding, evidence does indeed suggest that the internet has affected our social behaviour and the way we communicate. But it has also opened up new possibilities, broadened our horizons and has allowed us to an introduction to people we wouldn’t have crossed paths prior to the internet. As long as you remain focused on yourself and keep your emotions in check, then you are one step ahead of becoming a Facebook status of ‘it’s complicated.’
References
*blog.counselormagazine.com (p.3)
*www.informationisbeautiful.net (p.5)
Research obtained from:
baggagereclaim.co.uk
Quality Singles: Internet dating and the work of fantasy by Adam Arvidsson
Love at First Byte by: Internet Dating by Robert J Brym and Rhonda L Lenton
Realities and Relationships: Soundings in Social Construction by Kenneth J Gerge