Research Paper Supreet Oberoi
(Parent Coach, INDIA)
To raise the future generation who is rooted and grounded in self worth and love.
Dear friends, through this article I would like to show you all how important is our creative power as human beings, our participation in our own evolution. The responsibility to raise the future generation lies on our shoulders. So lets explore our personal roles in evolving our species forward and in the world peace by raising a safe, secure, kind child who is rooted and grounded in self worth and love.
In every phenomenon the beginning remains always the most notable moment- Thomas Carlyle
I am sure we all have learned through our both good and bad experiences that the success of any project, event or person is seeded right at the beginning. Now this understanding could inspire anxiety and the tendency to never begin anything, knowing how important and far reaching beginning are. But a little digging into the research about what makes for auspicious beginnings can transform anxiety to empowerment.
So dear prospective mothers, please do not feel the anxiety and the pressure of this responsibility, rather feel empowered because you are about to make your contribution in the world peace of tomorrow.
We often set our sight only to the destination, not realizing that those small steps to the destination are equally important. So in the context of my article we all want our kids to grow up into the best human beings but the small steps taken by us parent in this journey are most important.
What is Parenting?:
Parenting is an emergent and adventurous process, one that requires our wakefulness as parents.- Dawn Menken
Raising our kids can be compared to a relay race in which we parents strive to pass on the baton to our young runners. We all know how important it is to pass on the baton to our young runners carefully and smoothly. In fact it’s just as important as having runners that can run fast. So let us run (parent) with endurance the race (upbringing of our kids) that is set before us. Remember it’s just not any race , it’s a relay race. We should not only be concerned about how I run but care just as much about the runners after us. So each of us has to play a significant role in helping to pass on the baton to the next generation with great care because the race could easily be lost if we fumble the baton. So this forces us to take over our role as parents more responsibly and not as another routine phase of life.
How Important is Parenting?:
Dear parents let yourself off the hook as it is not possible for you to parent perfectly BUT it is definitely possible for us to do conscious parenting. Treat parenting as an important job, set yourself end target ( eg: what all values you would want to see in your child when he grows up), decide on the small steps to be taken to achieve that target. This would be conscious parenting.
We all make mistakes as parents because we see children as innocent and unseasoned, we do not see them as the internal creators that they are. Just because you came in this life before they did does not mean that they are any different than you are. We as parents make them believe that their actions and behavior is responsible for our happiness. We also see them as OURS only and easily forget to see them as a part of future generation who will play a major role tomorrow in shaping the future of the world. This is one big mistake we make as a parent. We treat ourselves in children’s lives as if we are God. We are not meant to be the GOD’s of their life, we are meant to be their GUIDE. Your children are powerful creators just like you. They came here to learn from life. The learning from the parents for the child is just meant to be one component. It’s not really your job to teach them, feed them, etc. Doing that kind of things for your children makes you feel good which is your indication that it is in alignment. This is not true. Your job, as a parent, is a two-part process. One part is to foster their independence at a very early age and second part is to demonstrate what alignment looks like. There is a beautiful quote
Example is not one way to teach, it is the only way to teach.
Do not expect your children’s behavior to be the basis for your happiness. This sets them up to believe that happiness depends on other people. It also sets them up to believe he or she is responsible for the happiness for the other people. This is the perfect ingredient for chronically unhappy adults.
Unfortunately, we train our kids to be out of alignment and into resistance and rebellion. We cannot punish our kids to get into good behavior or any other kind of positive behavior as punishment and positive behavior are contradictory. It seems impossible to punish someone into the behavior, which is going to benefit them in the end. All it (punishment) does is make the child lose connection with its own guiding system. Do not do everything for your child. Let them make their own choices. We can’t think for them and hope to raise adults who are functioning and creating healthy society. Don’t foster dependence. This is only going to breed resentment and unsuccessful adults. Lot of times we mistake fostering dependence for love when it’s exactly the opposite. Similarly, do not mistake consequences with punishments and replacing consequences with lectures and threats. For example, a child is playing with a toy sword and then has an argument with his sister and end up hitting her using his sword. A parent who understands consequences versus punishment will empathize with the child and say “Oh that’s sad and I think sword will have to go away / disappear”. By saying so they will take away from the child and hide it somewhere. By doing so they will allow the child to learn from his consequences. On the other hand, parents who do not understand the difference between consequences and punishment will get angry at the child, shout at him and maybe give him a time out. They may or may not take away the sword. Such reaction makes it all about the parents against the child rather than the child learning from its consequences.
Do not rescue the child from their problems as doing that strips them of their freedom, their ability to learn from things. We have a unique opportunity when it comes to problems and that is, to help children to solve things themselves. This builds incredible self-confidence in the child. Very loving parents come in and solve everybody’s problems and then the child grows up representing the parents but incapable of solving their own problems later on in life. We can help children sort their problems but we do not solve it for them.
Lastly, as parents we need to build a healthy strong self concept in our children.
To achieve this we need to :
How Can Coaching Can Help In Good Parenting
We have just read few points that we as parents can consider while taking up the challenge of conscious parenting.
We have a duty to benefit and serve our society as best as we can, and that includes how we prepare the next generation. Our children are the next generation and we are passing on the legacy to them. We must give careful consideration, therefore, to the quality of that legacy – how we raise our children and the values we instill in them. Unfortunately this is the time when both parents and children are becoming overwhelmed by technology and the busyness of modern life and so there is much confusion about how parents should go about this task. This is where COACHING will guide parents to know who they actually are and in which direction they are going as parents. A coach can guide the parent to create a more meaningful relationship with their children by supporting their deepest nature.
Raising a child is a challenge. Challenges are good. This one help us to grow as a human being, help us to be more loving, more giving, more careful, more affectionate. Every child is unique, every situation is unique. Parents usually do not think where they are and where they are going. It’s a misconception that once you have children means you have arrived and you now have to help your children grow.
Whenever you create a thing, it is there to help you to grow- Lenon Honor
So the truth of the matter is that children are there now to help you to grow. Often times it happens that we get so busy in taking care of what we have created that we forget about where we are at, what we might be stressing out at and what we are struggling with.
Few Powerful Questions By The Coach To The Parent (Client) :
Now once the above points are specifically (and not generally) discussed between the client and the coach, the client gets a lot of clarity. Clarity is power. When the client (in this case parent) has the clarity and knows exactly what he wants, he then defines his goals. The coach then gives the required support the way the client wants- he may want some reminders from the coach, or may want to be accountable to the coach to get the required motivation etc.
Conclusion:
A coach helps in empowering the client (here parent) by aligning their life, different aspects of their personality with their ‘core-self’. The core of each persons being is where he/she comes alive, where they feel the passion and sense of purpose. As a parent coach I try to make my client see and feel the passion and their sense of purpose in raising their children, RAISING THE FUTURE GENERATION.
References:
PARENTING FOR PEACE by Marcy Axness
RAISING PARENTS RAISING KIDS by Dawn Menken
Most of the above learning is from my experience as a child and parent counselor for the last 14 years.