Critical Factors for Success
This process requires a great deal of commitment, energy and skill on the coach’s part. Parents who self-select for this approach come to the table in varying degrees of crisis and vulnerability. Attention to the following considerations will ensure that the process stays on track, and that parents feel competent, and are able to manage their daily lives for the duration.
Combining Art and Science
Art: The coach must be highly skilled at moving parents forward along a continuum. Parents must be able to see progress in their own evolution as parents and as guides to their child. The coach must be able to ensure that parents are “onside” and that their situational circumstances (day-to-day life) are not causing them to stray off the path of feeling hopeful and remaining committed to the process. Regular check-ins are necessary for both parents to stay focused and keep their longer term vision top of mind. The coach must be mindful of the family’s many dynamics, and keep both the short-term and longer-term perspectives in check. To this end, the coach will have parents establish short term goals (6-months out) in order to help them remain motivated.
Science: At a slow and manageable pace, parents work toward goals and objectives that consistently build and expand on prior knowledge and skills. Therefore, without contextual understanding of the etiology and impact of ASD, parents will be unable to make meaning of their present focus. The coach must be skilled at gauging parents’ ability in this regard, and constantly keep this top of mind, using a “why bother” approach. By recognizing the value of the mastered objective/goal they can “anchor” their efforts in a big picture context. This is critical, considering the fact that most households have two working parents along with other children!
Understanding the clients’ many “layers”
It goes without saying that clients want to improve their child’s quality of life as well as their own. There are often other family dynamics that need to be addressed (challenging behaviour, inevitable tension between partners, sibling issues etc.). Understanding each parent’s strengths and challenges is a tremendous asset in this regard. For example, a parent with ASD-like rigidity brings an additional layer of challenge to the picture from an obstacle-assessment standpoint. On the other hand, a parent who is extremely hopeful and resourceful will present strengths that can be capitalized on, when used in the right measure.
Strategic strength leveraging is utilized to build positive momentum throughout the process. For example, having parents assess each other’s strengths is a productive exercise in this regard. It serves to help each parent appreciate the other, and bring awareness to the positive assets they are fortunate to enjoy.
Note: When interviewing potential clients, the coach must ensure that both parents are able to move forward without the assistance of a therapist (to address issues that are not properly addressed through coaching).
The parallel role of trust between coach & parents, and parents & child
Parents of ASD children often become fearful of their child for many reasons. When an intuitive approach to parenting their child fails, Moms and Dads lose their ability to trust their own instincts. Chronic exposure to difficult behaviour can be traumatic for both parents and child. Parents become understandably tentative about trying to set limits and interact with their child. Often, the only thing that can seemingly be “noticed” by the child is yelling or extreme behaviour, which has an unfortunate impact on family. This can perpetuate negative, escalating patterns of behaviour between parent and child. The impact of these negative developments can compound, leading to damaging effects on self-esteem and self-worth for both parents and child. Parents can withdraw from friends and family, who through no fault of their own are unable to appreciate the debilitating nature of the situation. All families I have had the good fortune to work with have in some way felt like “bad parents” who are unable to control their child at some time. I too, have experienced this.
Aside from the obvious fallout in the family, unhealthy patterns impact the natural parent-child hierarchy, and often lead to a lack of trust between both parties. It’s important to note that this has no bearing on the love that exists between parent and child, nor does it imply that the child feels unsafe with the parent from a standpoint of basic needs. It does, however, cause damage, in that the child will make attempts to withdraw, control or flee when the parent attempts to initiate certain types of interaction. While this negative cycle can be reversed, it takes both time and
patience. The coach must be skilled in training parents on strategies to end this negative cycle. This gives both parties sufficient exposure to recognize a positive pattern of interaction, and regain trust in one another. Once a positive cycle has begun, parents and child feel infinitely more positive, and seek each other out. They intuitively know that interaction will “feel and end” more positively.
While this process is unfolding, it is necessary to cultivate trust between coach and client(s), and to manage this delicate process carefully. Close communication and feedback is necessary to ensure that clients are able to express their frustration, and ultimately experience success and feelings of competence through interacting with their child.
Managing expectations throughout the process of coaching
Parents are naturally eager to get to “hands-on” work, and begin to shift their circumstances. The coach must temper this and either blend in practical exercises for parents to do, and/or help them to visualize the value of a slow and steady approach. It’s critical to ensure that parents experience genuine feelings of competence along this way. The temptation to rush ahead can inadvertently set parents up for failure. This is where experience is infinitely valuable, in addition to understanding the clients strengths and challenges. The ultimate goal throughout this process is to help all parties learn and experience through “baby steps.” The coach is constantly building on parents’ knowledge and skill at a pace that is manageable for them, and to build this into their lifestyle. This is done through simple yet meaningful routine, and age-appropriate, and developmentally-appropriate tasks at home.
Parents’ expectations must also be managed such that they adopt the mindset of the coaching process being a “marathon, not a sprint.” The phrases, “Slow down to speed up,” and “Slow and steady wins the race” along with other “take-away” phrases serve to help parents remain mindful of their long term goals for their child and family.
Finding and maintaining balance
The coach is responsible for finding and maintaining balance on numerous levels:
Building capacity for mindfulness
Parents with ASD children have experienced significant grief, trauma and frustration. In most cases, parents need to maintain a job or career, and have other children. There is very little “mental space” left for anything, let alone mindfulness!
The paradox of this intervention is that parents must learn to “slow down, to speed up.” In other words if a family’s pace moves at the speed of light, their energy is expended simply surviving day-to-day. There is little or no energy left over with which to connect with the child. Further compounding this is the fact that many parents have become reduced to the role as “chauffeurs” for their child, driving them from therapy to therapy. Obviously, their aim is to provide the required treatment. However, too many parents become dependent on therapists, while overlooking their own value in their child’s treatment. I am by no means diminishing the need for certain types of therapy. However, if parents adopt the view that if therapy is good, more therapy must be better. The more frenetic life becomes, the less likely it is that parents can have any quality of life, much less connect with their ASD child. The difficult challenge for the coach, is to help parents understand this, and systematically begin to slow the pace of life. Parents must appreciate that for their child to “learn to process more effectively” (with the goal of being mentally present), his or her stress must be reduced. The same principal applies to parents..
To this end, the coach works with parents to examine schedules, to see what activities in their weekly schedule are essential, and which can be eliminated. The goal is for all family members to have sufficient “down time” that they can breathe.
The next challenge is for the coach to help parents understand the nature of true human connection, which is learned by infants as young as 12 weeks old. When parent and typically-developing infant are in a connected state, a physiological reaction ensues which triggers an emotional response, encouraging repeat engagement. The goal of parent coaching is to help both parent and child experience this highly pleasurable dance – through carefully engineered interactions with the assistance of the coach/consultant. The key is, parents must be emotionally available, and only through slowing their pace, and learning to be mindful, will they be able to establish the connection with their child that they so desperately wish to establish.
Mindfulness and awareness also come into play when coaching parents to observe their physiological responses to their child while he/she is in a high anxiety state. The goal is for parents to recognize how they naturally become enmeshed with their child’s emotional reactions. The goal is for parents to recognize this, and through practice, learn to remain calm in the face of chaos. Subsequently, through their own calm exterior they can help the child de-escalate more readily (rather than feeding into the child’s anxiety). Through this process, the child begins to see the parent as a calming influence, thereby reinforcing a positive cycle of interaction.
The importance of structure
At the outset of ASD coaching, it serves all parties to agree on regular session times. A regularly-occurring weekly or bi-weekly session keeps parents and coach on track and accountable. In between sessions, the coach assigns “homework” which encourages clients to deepen their understanding of the material they are engaged with at the time. As mentioned earlier, assignments must be relevant, meaningful and manageable. The coach must help parents understand how to approach the homework, and provide assistance as required.
Managing the balance between coaching and instruction
The coach must be skilled enough to convey a “lesson” to parents, check for understanding, and use powerful questioning to determine their ability to operationalize it (in the context of their family dynamics). Assignments are given to help parents reflect, and then assimilate the information into an “actionable” step forward.
Depending on the content of the “lesson” it can be challenging for parents to be objective regarding their actions. In many instances, they must evaluate their actions and/or awareness. At times an “action item” can be related to understanding a concept; and at other times, to an actual parent-child interaction. Depending on the family, reviewing brief, video-taped interactions allows parents to observe their actions, and share findings with the coach. This exercise, while challenging at the start, can be incredibly productive and illuminating for coach and parents alike, enabling parents to see their actions in a new light. This serves to reframe perspectives, offering powerful insight that would otherwise be impossible to produce.