The time was ripe to work on priorities, to nail down what really mattered and put a plan around that. We came back to the key issues, self-esteem, anger and performance at work.
We first explored the challenge of anger, the outbursts, the conflicts and how it manifested in her life. Seema was brave enough to go back and look at her growing up years, recognizing elements that fueled this anger and the urge to strike back.
A key insight came after couple of sessions when she spoke up that she had an alcoholic father, someone who would come drunk and beat his wife and kids. The only defense mechanism she had then was to yell, strike back at him so he would leave all of them alone.
That continued for quite a while and she felt she had internalized the reaction and growing up had started responding in similar fashion at the slightest provocation, slightest sign of conflict, be it at work, home or out in public.
Clarity
We felt we had made a breakthrough, arrived at a point where the past did not have to dictate the present and the future. My effort then was to help shift her perspective, to make her realize that her current and future actions determined the quality of life she would live.
I asked Seema to think about:
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. Will Roger’s
Seema realized she had been looking at it from the wrong end, she understood that she had to change her response to get a better outcome. She also agreed that it would take time and effort to make that shift but she was committed and motivated.
The weeks went by, Seema started taking action, she practiced gratitude, started appreciating people around her for the smallest of gestures, we had some more sessions. Seema would diligently report on the actions she was taking every week to improve her response.
There was progress, a bit slow as she still was operating in the same high pressure environment at work. However, Seema mentioned that her reflections increased and she had started noticing small changes that were happening in her life.
She seemed a bit more relaxed, more eager than before to work on the future, instead of complaining about the past.
We then moved into a deeper level of planning, Seema worked on her goals for key areas of life health, money, time, relationships, career and spiritual growth.
She soon thereafter joined a yoga class, signed up for dancing lessons, reworked financial commitments to start saving more and committed to investing 30 minutes everyday in reading empowering, inspiring books/material. She also identified three key skills that would help her scale up her career over the next five years.
Then Seema got a chance to go for an offsite and had to make a presentation, she had four weeks to prepare. We began by looking at her level of preparation, something she had not paid attention to earlier.
This time she seemed charged up, she listed down key things that mattered at the offsite, opportunities she would have to demonstrate her capabilities, to create a powerful, impactful impression with senior management.
She then broke that list into daily actions, things she would work on everyday to go well prepared. I noticed a boost in her energy levels, a joy in her voice when she spoke about the offsite, there was nervousness but it was coupled with excitement not fear.
Seema came back from the offsite and shared some wonderful news.
She had been adjudged the best presenter at the meet!!!
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. Mark Twain
Below is her email to me
Good Morning
First of all, I would like to share with you that I had achieved one of my goal planned for short term. Last week I had been to XXXX and had attended workshop. It was all suppliers meet where close to 70 participants were there. There were few tasks to volunteer and present. I had used this opportunity and presented Tech details on behalf of the group.
In fact there were many senior people, head of Quality and Head of Engg participated there. I was told that my presentation was the best.
Thanks in Advance.
I couldn’t sleep for a long time that night.
In the next few sessions, we discussed her performance at work and what was required to help to get noticed for all the hard work being put in by her. What would be needed for her to feel she is not ignored, isolated but part of her team, feel wanted, feel appreciated and respected.
I then got Seema thinking hard on questions like:
- What about her style of working was currently productive?
- How could she demonstrate more of that?
- What was not productive, how could she reduce/eliminate that?
- What was getting her negative feedback? How could that be avoided?
- What new behaviors at work could help her get noticed?/
- How could she make them into a habit?
- What must she start doing? Stop doing?
- How else could she earn appreciation for her genuine hard work?
- What could she do to treat her team members better?
- How could she support them more?
- What else would it take to make them look upto her?
Results
Some more sessions went by and Seema started becoming more confident about her self, she seemed calmer, more in control of her feelings, felt less threatened and more loved, appreciated. She also mentioned that she was enjoying a better relationship with her husband and looked forward to the weekends to meet some new friends.
And then about a month after our coaching engagement ended, she wrote me another mail. The same is reproduced below exactly as written by her.
Dear Sridhar,
Well, the best gift a teacher or coach expect to get is success of their students.
I waited till my appraisal is done (formal closure done yesterday) and can tell you my thanks with precise commitment from my senior colleagues etc… Here it goes….
Below sentences are exact words from them and other colleagues.
- “Last year you are one among many team members. It wouldn’t make impact of your presence or absence. Now your key resource in this BU and you will be considered for key senior positions in India or other locations.” — from my reporting manager/India head
- “you are very cheerful and I am inspired and wish to be like you” – 2 female colleagues from other department who were just a colleague to me earlier and now wish to be around me.
- “My assessment about you was wrong. Probably only that interview day you were down and all your rating has come down, you are different person I see now these days with close interaction with you. You are confident, cheerful and enthusiastic… you are totally surprise and I have given explicit feedback to HR again… ” –my leadership program trainer in office who had given 15 pages feedback shared with you also… “You are very strong person and you will achieve anything you want. You look happy and cheerful these days.” — Asia level Business unit Head
- “I am happy that you are happy these days and even all of us are happy with that… My ten years effort after marriage is successful— my husband
I am happy and things are going fine… thanks a lot. In fact, every time I had problem, initially I plan to call you and speak… immediately I would recollect what questions you used to ask… I would have to answer then and then topic gets in control…
I might not have achieved much from goal sheet I had made… but till my present state my mind gives me immense happiness… I am confident that I have control on things… now I will slowly start focusing on defining clear realistic goal and start following them as well…
Thanks once again…
Regards,
Seema
Note: this case study has been published with the complete approval of the client. Name of the client, company and other personal information have been changed to protect the privacy of the client.
Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it. Buddha