The necessity for sadness
As we go about our busy and complex modern lives, we are constantly gathering new information about who we are and the world we live in. We receive this information from various different sources: our work colleagues and clients, our familiars, advertising, our studies, entertainment and life experiences to name a few. Some of this information really needs to be processed properly and integrated into our being. However, due to the nature of our busy lives, and our learnt habit of distraction, much of it goes unprocessed, undigested. For example, the loss of a close friend will
bring up many questions in us that need to be resolved around our attachment needs, our own mortality, our relationship and lifestyle priorities.
Jumbled up in the stream of constant information, as we go on with our daily lives, working, supporting our family, and enjoying leisure, these critical questions can remain within us unanswered causing us a sense of dissonance, discomfort and irritation. We may even forget or fail to realise the impact of our experience, and be confused about why we are ‘suddenly’ feeling more stressed ‘for no reason’. Even if we stop and allow ourselves time to do nothing, to just be and get in touch with our feelings, then the habit of finding quick solutions so we can move on to the next task remains with us. Instead of engaging in the important processing we need to do, we seek a means of immediate release from our stress and discomfort. It is even possible, if we are stuck in this mode, to use a deep reflective process like meditation simply as a means of relieving the discomfort.
The need to slow down, to simplify our thoughts and especially to take more time to process our underlying issues, is reflected in the counselling literature, increasingly recommending practises such as meditation, mindfulness and yoga. Even more so, this is seen in the advent of the Slow Movement, which advocates slowing down in all areas of life, and Slow Counselling, which acknowledges the need for the therapeutic interaction to be given ample time and be allowed to take its own pace.3
Sadness is the mechanism of our physical and emotional body to slow us down in order to integrate. When we become sad, our heart rate decreases, our breathing becomes deep and slow.4 Our thoughts, made serious and sombre, forced to acknowledge the heavier aspects of our existence, gather and coagulate into new principles for our life, giving greater meaning, wisdom and resilience. As Moore states:
In [sadness], reflection deepens, thoughts embrace a larger sense of time, and the events of a long lifetime get distilled into a sense of ones essential nature… Melancholy thoughts carve out an interior space where wisdom can take up residence.1
A friend of mine, Julia*, related her recent experience of sadness. She found herself overcome with the painful recognition of certain facts relating to her young son. She had gotten pregnant with a partner whom she was unable to love deeply and finally ended the relationship, recognising this was a necessary step for her own and her partner’s happiness. However, this now meant her son had less time to spend with his parents, and did not get to spend time with both parents together. He was unable to understand the situation. This knowledge caused her great pain, but she allowed herself to feel it, shared it with a trusted friend and released many tears. Through this she was able to accept the reality of the situation, be at peace with it, and then feel free to consider what she could do to make it as smooth as possible for her son. There was no struggle in the process, she simply allowed the sadness to run its course and be acknowledged and that naturally paved the way for new clarity and insight.
So, perhaps we can remember this when sadness arises in us, and not seek to push it away, or avoid the discomfort. We might be able to think,
This is my soul slowing me down and turning me inward to integrate, the pain of this sadness is carving the way for new wisdom.
Then we can allow the process to run its natural course and gain the beautiful gifts that come from sadness, which I will speak of more in the final section of this article.
Welcoming sadness
As stated previously, I believe the stress around sadness comes largely from denying the sadness. By this, I mean stopping ourselves from fully feeling the sensation, stopping ourselves from fully acknowledging the facts of our situation, and stopping or rejecting the new thoughts and perspectives that are arising out of fear that they are too ‘negative’. But this kind of denial only leaves the pain residing under the surface, colouring everything we do, and it keeps us out of connection with ourselves, which stops us from being fully in control of our lives. As Ford says,
When you go within and form a relationship with your entire being you begin to recognise your ability to steer your life in the direction you choose. 5
We can see the truth of this statement reflected in Julia’s story. All that was required was to allow what was there to be there. She allowed her feelings of pain and sadness to be there. She allowed the facts of the situation to be what they were. That allowed the natural clarity and insight of a new wisdom to arise. All that is required for this process to work is for us to allow. When we feel resistance we remind ourselves of the necessity and benefits of sadness.
On a side note, something else is indicated in her story, which is the benefit of the support of a compassionate listener. It can be very helpful to share your sadness with someone who is able to hold space for you well. It can help you to bring it up more fully as you feel from the other person that the feeling is safe. This position, is where a skilful coach or counsellor can be of tremendous benefit.
The gifts of sadness
In the state of melancholy, we will consider the deepest and most difficult truths:
I am losing my youth. I will die. All of my friends and relatives will die. Nothing lasts. Everything changes. People hurt each other. Etc.
Again our common response to these thoughts is to try to reject them. People will tell us, and we will tell ourselves, that these thoughts will only make us more miserable, best not to think about them and cheer up. However, that does not stop them being true and so we cannot truly make them go away. We can simply leave them unanswered. If we can allow ourselves the time to really sit with them, we can come to a new way of seeing our life. I do not believe there is necessarily one right response to these truths, it is a personal thing, but I do believe real happiness and fulfilment can only be built on a full acknowledgement of the truth.
Even just simply in the full acknowledgement, without any further response, we gain great freedom from fears that have previously ruled our lives. We stop trying to deny death and loss we stop clinging to our youth, we stop expecting things to be other than they are, realising that these things are inevitable. This is a great relief and brings great peace, as Parkin says: