when a woman who seems to have lost everything in their lives by going through a divorce, she may be having the worst experience of her life and can’t even consider the possibility that her divorce could turn into something positive. Pain and change are the keys that enter the door to deeper understanding of human experience. The pain of divorce breaks down her defences, leaving her in a place of complete vulnerability. And it is only in the place of complete vulnerability that she becomes quiet enough to reflect and explore[1].
Nenningner (2010) says
Divorce, or any tragedy, presents you with the opportunity to reach deep inside yourself; to examine the parts of you that need your internal support, your love, your assistance, and your forgiveness… Divorce presents a perfect opportunity to learn from the past, not repeat it, and to recreate a life that reflects a more authentic and healthier you. [2]
Coach’s role in different stages of a divorce process
The following is subtracted from a divorce coach’s website which provided a description of the roles of a divorce coach. [3]
A divorce coach:
In an article published by The Huffington Post on December 29th, 2011, the author Amatruda summarized the divorce process to be four stages from her own experience: Break-up, Breakdown, Breakthrough and Breakover (A term coined by the editors of Huffington Post to describe reinvention, a make-over after a break-up. Breakover is what arises after one’s life is re-examined and transformed)[4].
After carefully examining the four stages and exploring what kind of support a coach can provide, the author of this paper made some adjustment and listed the following coach’s role at different stages:
Stage 1: Decision Making Stage and Emotional Rollercoaster Ride – Breakdown
Coach’s role: a pair of listening ears, giving empathy and emotional support
State 2: Legal process, custody and finance negotiation – Break-up
Coach’s role: a thinking partner and handholding during the tedious process
Stage 3: Self reflection and self exploration, “who am I?”and “what now?” – Breakthrough
Coach’s role: a strategic partner, a cheer leader, providing insights, resources and reassurance
Stage 4: Goal setting and action planning – Breakover
Coach’s role: providing guidance and support, holding accountability, cheer leading during setbacks
One thing to note, the four stages are not liner and continuum stages that one happens right after another. The issues to be dealt with can be intertwined in all stages manifesting themselves at different times and not necessarily in the order they are presented. Coach’s role in Stage 1 is similar to what happens in Grief Coaching. One has to deal with the sudden shock, sense of loss, feelings of anger, guilt, desperation, pain… Emotional support is key to the coaching relationship. Coach’s role in Stage 2 is to be client’s “thinking partner.” Divorce is a long process, and the coach goes along for the ride – not as legal counsel or therapist, but as a guide. “It’s all about creating a safe, supportive, nonjudgmental and patient environment”[5]
Coach’s role in Stage 3 and 4 is the focus of this paper.
In Stage 3, when the client has adjusted from the initial shock and bitterness of the divorce, she is left with the huge question “who am I now?” Her long-held identity of being someone’s wife has provided her the security and comfort that all women desire. That has also created her social network which is likely to be surrounded by other wives and moms. Now with the lack of a husband, she has to face the world on her own.