Intrinsic Motivation
Intrinsic motivation refers to motivation that comes from inside an individual rather than being triggered by any external rewards or stimuli. The motivation comes from the pleasure one gets from the task itself or from the sense of satisfaction in completing or even working on a task (Bainbridge, 2012). Psychologist Harry F. Harlow, whose empirical experiments show that performance of the task can provide intrinsic reward, coined this term.
The two main drivers that power behaviour are known as the biological drive and the external drive of rewards and punishments. Daniel Pink (2009) in his widely applauded book “Drive” names intrinsic motivation as a third drive. Deci (1995, p.51) claims,
Intrinsic motivation is associated with richer experience, better conceptual understanding, greater creativity and improved problem solving, relative to external controls.
The voluntary nature of the coaching approach encourages intrinsic motivation.
Cognitive and Metacognitive Skills
Cognitive skills are any mental skills that are used in the process of acquiring knowledge; these skills include reasoning, perception, attention, memory, motor, language, visual and spatial processing and executive functions. (Michelon, 2006, info@ncrel.org)
Metacongnition refers to “the individual’s own awareness and consideration of his or her cognitive process and strategies” by developmental psychologist John H. Flavell (as cited in Fisher, 1998). Schraw and Dennison define it as
the ability to reflect upon, understand and control one’s learning (as cited in Weiner, 2011).
It is
thinking about one’s thinking.
Both cognitive and metacognitive skills are essential factors in the learning process. While cognitive skills use thinking, experience and senses, metacognitive skills refer to the higher-level processes used for decision-making, planning, monitoring, evaluation etc. Developing the skills to learn is often more important than learning specific skills.
Coaching is a process of finding one’s own solutions. The process itself requires and develops cognitive and metacognitive skills.
Parenting with a Coaching Approach
Parenting has a much broader task range than coaching. Many parenting tasks do not overlap with coaching. Examples are, physically looking after a child, imparting knowledge and specific skills or disciplining for safety reasons. Whilst coaching does not have much of a role in the many typical aspects of raising children, it can contribute positively to the emotional, social and intellectual development of a child.
In the context of creating a stronger relationship, parents can use some of the coaching communication approaches mentioned below for raising their children.
Listening attentively without judgment
Like a coach, a parent can listen more and listen more attentively without being judgmental. Active listening in coaching is a deeper level of listening which gives the speaker the sense of being heard and understood. A parent who is willing to listen with sincere curiosity, empathy and compassion is treating the child with equality and respect. Whitney and Trosten-Bloom’s (2010) research suggests that the freedom to be heard is one of the six conditions that unleash personal and organizational power.
Listening in coaching terms means setting aims at understanding. The listener’s own thoughts and judgment hinder the effort. A coaching parent needs to withhold judgment and refrain from giving diagnosis, opinions, and suggestions. This level of listening encourages the children to explore, to work through their own issues and to find their own solutions.
Asking instead of telling
Instead of lecturing, preaching or scolding, coaching parents ask questions. To start a coaching conversation, the parents need to put aside their urge to control or manage the child (there and then) or assert their own authority or superiority. Asking shows the interests of the parents and gives the child a chance to describe and to think aloud.
Coaching questions come from the child’s narration. They are open-ended, purposeful, using influence without being controlling (Starr, 2008). They aim at clarifying and encouraging the child’s self-observation. They enable the learning process rather than problem solving. Apart from fact-finding, the questions also intend to draw out options and potential solutions from the child. A solution that comes from the child has a higher buy-in. In other words, the child will feel more responsible when applying it.
Giving choices instead of taking responsibilities
Instead of presenting the best choice to the children, coaching parents will take the time to discuss the objectives, encourage the children to generate options, help them make choices and think through the consequences. This coaching approach may seem time consuming and may not be applicable in all situations but it serves the long-term benefit of teaching children how to make choices and take responsibility for their own decisions.
Providing choice entails sharing the parents’ authority or power. Persistently denying choices erodes a child’s self-worth. Deci (1995) believes the experience of choice is at the heart of human freedom. Taking a coaching approach, the parents nurture the child’s self-worth, develop their thinking skills, teach them how to make choices and take on responsibilities. It can avoid many arguments and resistance as well.