I asked myself these questions:
- Why is this bitter feeling there whenever I meet her?
- What is it that which triggers that bitter feeling?
My visualization was that as she was very learned and slim and beautiful I was jealous and over the years being a housewife I didn’t look after myself. Then I always use to watch my thoughts as I believed that thought create a response so I started watching my thoughts. Soon I discovered that over the years I have developed a low self -esteem and I have forgotten to appreciate myself. If I am unloved by myself my bucket is empty so I cannot love and appreciate her. I came out of that jealousy as I saw myself that I need to be loved appreciated, validated not only by others but by myself. Here I would wish to quote a discovery by my client Kim Parrot recently that “valid vs validation” It is exactly saying that if I am valid I don’t need validation.
My thoughts were in my hands, I kept on working on and I realized that there were thoughts which were triggered by our beliefs and now was my turn to reflect on my beliefs. One belief I found with the help of my coach. My belief was made by myself that I am a very nice girl as any parent would say and I do things sensibly and don’t do any stupidity as my sister one year younger to me would do. I got stuck with the belief that I cannot make mistakes so I developed everything around me so well and organized that nothing worse happen in my life. Even raising children, I read books and coached my kids .They were brilliantly raised with that belief but to keep up to those standards were painful, harsh, and bitter also. It developed lot of anger in me, lot of insecurity that if anyone sees my little stupidity I used to take it personally and always be rude to me inside. Then, soon my anger was prominent and it used to come out often on children if they go against my wishes. This brought my family in pain. I started my reflection:
My questions to myself:
- Was being a house mum my choice or is it a ‘should’?
- If it is my choice then why I am so angry?
- What I want for myself?
- What I don’t want for myself?
- Is this belief true?
- What are the learning experiences from it?
- What this belief had made me?
- How I can make a shift?
- What new belief I can make so my insecurity can vanish?
Soon with these questions I took months to see myself in a new light, First I saw that raising kids was my conscious choice and I appreciated myself. Secondly, I saw this belief raised my expectations for me and from my family that if the criteria of perfection are not met I used to get angry. Otherwise I was a very affectionate mom and love my kids. Then, I also realized that my expectations to do something for myself for my being were necessary so I kept raising my knowledge to improve myself. I also learnt that this belief made me strong in some areas but weak inside so I made a conscious choice to change my belief.
I thought that it’s okay if I do mistake
Nothing is perfect, but my journey to apply this belief was not easy. I still slip in the grip of my old belief but I know it’s not the outside source, it is our THOUGHTS. With able to make a choice responsibly to visualize our thoughts our response changes and great responses create great feeling.
As discussed above, ABC now here is the example of the worksheet to be used by coaches. This is an example of ABCDEF WORKSHEET used by coaches.
Acknowledgements:
ICA material
Need to know? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy by Carolyn Boyes
love is never enough AT Beck, Penguin 1988
Cognitive Behavioural Counselling in action Peter Trower, Andrew Casy and Windy Dryden