Research Paper: Supporting Parents and Single Mothers to Raise Self-Reliant Children Thru Coaching

We read so much about how to open the communication channels, communicating effectively, and rewriting the negative scripts. We are repeatedly informed that the most powerful way parents communicate with their children is by example^{4, p.1}.

Don’t worry that your children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you^{4, p.1}

As Faith Baldwin has said,

Character builds slowly, but it can be torn down with incredible swiftness^{3, p.101}

When we are tired, worn out, exasperated, fed up and at our wit’s end, it is easy to resort to empty threats, ultimatums, sarcasms, ridicules or put-downs to scare our kids into doing what  they need to be doing^{3, p.97}. Ultimatums leave no room to negotiate^{3, p.97}.

Displaying anger by yelling or using a big voice signals danger to children. We communicate that our child/children is unacceptable, not the action^{4, p.6}.

Put-downs and ridicules are generalizations and labels that reduce our child/ children’s sense of dignity and self- worth^{3, p.98}.

Isolation, Embarrassment and humiliation, Shaming, Emotional Isolation, and grounding degrade, humiliate, and dehumanize the child/ children who are its objects. Their sense of self- worth, their sense of responsibility and their understanding of appropriate, responsible, caring actions are seriously compromised^{3, p.47}.

Control tactics, positive or negative, coerce our child/children to behave in an adult- approved way. This teaches our child/ children to do what they are told without question- not because they believe it is the right thing to do, but to get the reward or avoid the punishment^{3, p.49}

Threats and punishments arouse anger and resentment and invite more conflict. This deprives the child of the opportunity to understand the consequences of her actions, to fix what she did, and robs her of her sense of dignity and self- worth. This teaches our child/children that might make right^{3, p.45, 46}.

Jane Nelson, in Positive Discipline states,

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?

Alfie Kohn wrote in ‘Punished by Rewards’, “If we are ultimately concerned with the kind of people our children will become, there are no shortcuts. Good values have to be grown from the inside out.”

Research Questions

1. Where do we begin?
2. What are the tools we shall need as parents?
3. What are the characteristics, behaviour and attitude of the parents that will lead to   obtaining this goal of self- reliance?
4. What are the barriers to self- reliance?
5. What will it take for our children to be independent, be responsible and self- reliant?

The Coaching Process

The coaching process is recommended to be on a one- on- one session, for a minimum of 12 sessions.

During the coaching process the coach will use tools like meditation, visualization, role playing, reverse role playing, charts, affirmations, journaling, and references like books or films.

The Coaching Journey

1. What is my goal in parenting? Is it to influence and empower my child, or to control them?
2. What are our child/children’s strengths? In what way can we strengthen these and encourage him/her to use these strengths?
3. What tools shall we need?

There is the fear that if parents express too much love, they will raise self-centered, narcissistic children. Yet, the opposite appears to be true: children are more receptive to accepting limits, developing compassion, and taking responsibility when they feel loved and respected by their parents^{1, p.96}

We need to understand and strengthen a child’s perception/ thought process, communicate effectively to them and strengthen their various life skills in a meaningful, real- life way. Our child/children need to be trusted to assume responsibilities and to be given opportunities to make critical decisions throughout their childhood. Responsibilities and decisions need to be age- appropriate and meaningful^{3, p.109}.