Forgiveness and Coaching
Throughout my coaching experience, I discovered that one of the main reasons that prevent clients from moving forward in life is the negative feelings towards someone or towards themselves. This feeling goes from the minimum of being slightly hurt to the maximum of the desire to take revenge. The inability to forgive is a major underlying belief that stays in the subconscious. Accordingly, clients are blocked mentally and physically from setting further plans in life. They lack spiritual inner peace and suffer mental, social and physical disturbance. Generally, the clients do not ask the coach’s help so they can be able to forgive. The negative feeling has to be discovered by the coach and can only be solved when the client goes through a coaching journey.
First, the client should go through a self-discovery path. This will be achieved after helping the client to set a mission statement. Moreover, assuring the confidentiality of the sessions between the client and the coach helps the client to open-up easily. This step is very important for the forgiveness journey a) one who forgive has suffered a deep hurt, thus showing bitterness; b) the offended person has a moral right to resentment but overcomes it nonetheless; c) a new response to the other occurs, including compassion and love; d) this loving response occurs despite the realization that there is no obligation to love the offender (Subkoviak, Enright, Wu, Gassin, Freedman, Oslon, Sarinopoulos, 1992, P.3)
When the problem is clear to the client, the coach has to go through the challenge of helping the client to take an action. This step required the client to set SMART objectives. The key advantage of this step is keeping the client focused and having clear structured coaching sessions. Taking action by stop living in the past, stop feeling hurt and let go of the negative feelings like (guilt, shameful, regret, bitterness …..etc). Forgiveness is a choice that needs to be taken, however it doesn’t mean forgetting nor does it mean defending or condoning offenses. Forgiveness can help maintaining relationships and free the person from the prison of revenge. The coach can reach this result by asking powerful questions. Looking at the past from different perspective help the client to gain self-awareness, self-trust and move towards the goals.
Understanding the problem without taking action is worth than not knowing the problem. It is only when the client starts taking action; the problem starts to be solved. In Walters’ view, the person who has been hurt has two alternatives: to be destroyed by resentment which leads to death, or to forgive which leads to healing and life. However, healing doesn’t come over night; taking small steps is essential. The coach has to help clients, again through powerful questions, to be able to:
Visualizing the benefits of forgiveness will motivate the clients to be committed to their objectives.
Finally, acknowledging small, positive results help clients to move faster and confidently towards the big goals. The clienst will then learn more about themselves and discover what is unique about their characters. Accordingly, clients will reach point of strength, suffer less, be able to give more, see life positively and easily reflect on situations without judgmental attitude. In other words, clients will be in full control of their life rather than be controlled by their own feelings.
References
Benson, C. (1992). Forgiveness and the psychotherapeutic process. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 11(1), 76-81.
Bråkenhielm, C. R. (1993). Forgiveness . Minneapolis: Fortress Press.
DiBlasio, F. (1992). Forgiveness in psychotherapy: Comparison of older and younger therapists.Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 11(2), 181-187.
Dumortier, F.-X. (1993). Dimensions socio-politiques du mal et du pardon. In L.-M. Chauvet, & P. De Clerck (Ed.), Le sacrement du pardon: Entre hier et demain (pp. p. 125 - 138). Paris: Éditions Desclée.
Enright, R., Gassin, E., & Wu, C. (1992). Forgiveness: a developmental view. Journal of MoralEducation, 21(2), 99-114.
Fitzgibbons, R. P. (1986). The cognitive and emotive uses of forgiveness in the treatment of anger. Psychotherapy, 23(4), 629-633.
Flanigan, B. (1992). Forgiving the unforgivable: Overcoming the bitter legacy of intimate wounds . New York: Macmillan Publishing Co.
Gartner, J. (1988). The capacity to forgive: An object relations perspective. Journal of Religion and Health, 27(4), 313-320.
Hope, D. (1987). The healing paradox of forgiveness. Psychotherapy, 24(2), 240-244.
Hubaut, M. (1992). Pardonner oui ou non? Paris: Desclée de Brouwer.
Patton, J. (1985). Is human forgiveness possible? A pastoral care perspective . Nashville: Abingdon Press.
Pingleton, J.P. "The role and function of forgiveness in the psychotherapeutic process." Journal of Psychology and Theology 17 (1989) 27-35.
Rubio, M. (1986). The Christian virtue of forgiveness. Concilium, 184(April), 80-94.
Smedes, L. (1984). Forgive and forget: Healing the hurts we don't deserve . New York: Harper & Row.
Smedes, L. (1996) The art of forgiving: When you need to forgive and don't know how. Nashville: Moorings.
Soares-Prabhu, G. (1986). 'As we forgive': Interhuman forgiveness in the teaching of Jesus.Concilium, 184(April), 57-68.
Sobrino, J. (1986). Latin America: Place of sin and forgiveness. Concilium, 184 (April), 45 - 56.
Walters, R. P. (1984). Forgiving: An essential element in effective living. Studies-in-Formative-Spirituality, 5(3), 365-374.
Sites
www.amazon.com>books>ChristianBooks&Bibles>Theology
www.beyondaffairs.com/articles.ic-steps-to-forgiveness
www.cbn.com/spirituallife/prayerandcoseling/stanely-forgiveness.aspx
www.lifepositive.com/mind/ethisc-and-values/forgiveness.asp
www.pickthebrain.com/blog/how-to-master-the-art-of-forgiveness
www.psychologytodat.com/blog/heart-and.../9-steps-forgiveness