Myths about Vulnerability
There are many myths about vulnerability. Through her research, Brown identified the four most common:
vulnerability is weakness, I don’t do vulnerability, vulnerability is letting it all hang out, and we can go it alone (Brown, 2012).
She was also able to debunk each of these myths, illustrating that vulnerability is indeed a strength, that all humans experience it, that there are healthy ways to cultivate vulnerability, and that we all need help and support at times. Next each myth will be briefly touched upon and unpacked.
Vulnerability is weakness
The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous (Brown, 2012).
Being vulnerable is core to being human. It’s not good or bad, it just is.
Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable (Brown, 2012).
Embracing that vulnerability, allowing it, and connecting with others from that place of who you truly are is a source of strength and potency. As Stan Dale wrote,
Only when you are willing to be totally vulnerable are you totally potent (1992).
Others have referenced this concept of the power of vulnerability as well. In Love Leadership John Hope Bryan wrote,
The fourth law of love leadership – vulnerability is power – says that admitting weaknesses and owning up to mistakes have counterintuitive benefits (2009).
Being authentic with others allows for true connection to occur. Bryan also stated,
When you get real with people, when you show vulnerability, you connect with them and you move them on a human level. That gives you real power
(2009).
When one is open to fully experiencing life, one is vulnerable, but one also allows for the fullest receptivity of what is possible. Rabbi Niles Elliot Goldstein wrote,
It is vulnerability that allows us to become more open human beings, that helps us to create the space through which new forces can find their way inside us in ways that enrich and empower our minds, bodies and souls (2009).
Vulnerability is not a weakness. It is something that all humans experience, and if allowed, embraced, and celebrated, vulnerability can be cultivated as a strength. It is through our vulnerability that we are most authentic, most alive, and most potent. Brown wrote,
…vulnerability is life’s greatest dare. It’s life asking, “Are you all in? Can you value your own vulnerability as much as you value it in others? Answering yes to these questions is not weakness: It’s courage beyond measure (2012).
I don’t do vulnerability
Fear of being hurt causes some people to shut down, to disengage, and to put up walls and barriers in an attempt to minimize the chances of feeling vulnerable, of being open to pain and wounding. The unfortunate side effect of this is that those people also reduce their ability to feel joy, happiness, and fulfillment. Through her research Brown found that,
When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be (2012).
Vulnerability is part of life. Pain and suffering are as much a part of living as joy and pleasure are. We all experience vulnerability, and the more we allow ourselves to embrace it, the more freedom we have to feel and experience all that life has to offer.
Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection (Brown, 2012).
The real choice is not whether or not to be vulnerable, but how to respond to that facet of being human. As L’Engle wrote, to be alive is to be vulnerable.
When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable (1980).
Vulnerability is letting it all hang out
Purging, oversharing, and disclosing deep personal information indiscriminately might be what some people think of when vulnerability comes to mind. Those might come from a place of woundedness or attention seeking, but they are not examples of cultivating vulnerability.
Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them (Brown, 2012).
Sharing intimately and honestly with people you are close to, who you can trust, within that container of safety and boundaries, can foster deep and authentic relationships with others. As Bryant wrote,
When you open up, people open up to you. Vulnerability is the door to your heart… (2009).
He also stated,
Sharing your story with people in ways that exposes your vulnerability connects you deeply with others and enables you to form authentic relationships (Bryant, 2009).
True vulnerability requires discernment – knowing with whom and when to share your stories.
Because sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we’ve developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability is increased connection, trust, and engagement (Brown, 2012).
We can go it alone
Our culture values independence, and that concept of “going it alone” is deeply ingrained in many of us. However, we are hard-wired for connection. As Brown stated,
Across the course of my research, participants were very clear about their need for support, encouragement, and sometimes professional help as they reengaged with vulnerability and their emotional lives (2012).
Especially when cultivating vulnerability we need to be reassured, we need people in our lives we trust and can rely on, we need assistance sometimes. In The Gifts of Imperfection Brown wrote,
Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help (2010).
We all need help sometimes, and to be truly vulnerable requires connecting with others.
Cultivating Vulnerability
There are many reasons to choose to cultivate vulnerability. The more fully one embraces, celebrates, and chooses to live vulnerably, the more fully one will experience life in all of its riches. Creating vulnerable, authentic relationships with yourself and with others can lead to a fulfilling, meaningful life. Vulnerability can benefit you in all aspects of your life.
Stan Dale talked about how important it is to be vulnerable if you are looking to connect with others and have more love in your life.
Unless you are open and vulnerable, they don’t know who or where to find you. It is impossible to pass through a locked door. You have to make yourself known, and you have to open the door. It is up to you to let them know that you are alive and willing to live and love (1992).
If you think of intimacy as “into me you see,” then you realize the power of being vulnerable in creating intimate connections with others.
In Love Leadership, Byrant stated,
People meet you where you are. If you’re open, then tend to be open. If you’re vulnerable, they tend to be vulnerable (2009).
Brown also supports this concept of vulnerability leading to vulnerability.
Vulnerability begets vulnerability; courage is contagious. (2012).
Stepping courageously forward, risking and sharing of yourself authentically and vulnerably can have a ripple effect, leading those around you to also more fully step into all of who they are, and to creating more vulnerability in their lives.
One of the biggest benefits of cultivating vulnerability is to more fully experience your own potency.
When you are totally potent, others who would intimidate and victimize you will fall by the wayside. Let go of being afraid. Fear is their only weapon. When you truly give up fear, people will respond to you with love (Dale, 1992).
Living from this place of possibility and authenticity is so powerful that you will be able to more easily let go of fear, and will be able to relate to people with more awareness and presence moment by moment. As Rabbi Niles Elliot Goldstein stated,
The spiritual warrior must be willing to take risks, especially the risk of vulnerability. It is then, when we have opened ourselves up, that we will start to feel the sudden irruption of our own hidden capacity for power. It is through that fresh void that – like the rush of water through a hole in a dam – confidence will triumph over fear, and hope will vanquish despair (2009).
Another aspect of vulnerability is the block of “caring what others think about me”. If that is held as highly important then we tend to put on masks to be who they want us to be rather than being exactly who we are. Learning to not care what others think allows us to drop the facade (of protection) between us and others.
Cultivating vulnerability takes time and practice, and it’s worth it. As Brown stated,
Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do (2010).
Remember that change takes time and often comes with feeling uncomfortable at first. Go at a pace that feels right for you.