I had been running a sprint for way too long and was definitely close to burnout. A couple of difficult circumstances forced me to really look at my core and question if I was able to live in alignment with my values if I stayed in my job. Heightened awareness and much reflection led me to the decision to start my own consulting and coaching business so that I could set a new pace and ensure my work efforts were in better alignment with my core. It was a huge risk and a bit scary primarily due to the huge financial sacrifice, but I believe it was and still is the best decision I could have made. I knew the first year plus would be challenging building a business but I had hoped the investment would pay off later when I would have flexibility and time with a growing family. It did, but not without adding new pressures and stresses to the mix, particularly due to being out of my comfort zone. As a result, I grew more as a person. I was introduced to new opportunities that helped me explore my “core” in a deeper way. And in my coaching practice, I noticed that I was attracting clients, particularly women in leadership, with similar challenges and a similar need to align their actions with who they truly were, to live more authentically. There was a clear pattern emerging – was I attracting these clients so they would also help me grow on my journey?
I have had so many serendipitous moments these past few years, including one when I was pregnant with my first child where I ended up discussing these very struggles with a woman sitting next to me at a local salon. She happened to be the New York Times Best-Selling author of the book, What Happy Working Mothers Know, which reveals that “the key to being your best is to take care of your happiness the same way you take care of your health – conscious daily choices. The shift from a mentality of scarcity to one of abundance is to create happiness for yourself and those around you, even when you’re at your busiest.” She shared a copy of the book with me, full of sound principles and helpful tools that I was able to pass along to others.
Motherhood made my balancing act even more complex, balancing the demands of my business with the demands of my family, balancing my own needs with those of my husband and those of my daughter. New responsibilities came and priorities shifted; however, the expectations I held for myself did not; in fact, my standards only got higher as I also wanted to be the best mom possible. ‘Perceived’ expectations and/or judgments projected by others also came into play a whole new aspect of parenthood I had not anticipated. I learned that I needed to re-frame my perspective and practice self-acceptance providing the ability to let go of things that can’t be controlled – judgments, expectations, etc.
Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections- Unknown
The energy available from not judging and letting go of expectations provided more time to focus on what is meaningful and important resulting in more positive energy and a higher level of fulfillment and joy, which intuitively I knew was necessary to “be” the best mom possible. Acceptance also comes into play relative to embracing the idea of balance being an ongoing process or journey. Accepting that we are constantly shifting as we travel through various phases of life, accepting that we are not able to juggle everything is imperative. We must be selective and peel off those things that are not aligned with our core.
Being responsible for another human being changed my perspective in another way as well. I was inspired to be the best me I could be since I was now going to be setting an example for my little girl. I knew that simplifying my life would bring me in better balance and reduce stress, allowing me to live with a higher level of integrity. As I strive for simplicity, I actually began to learn the lesson “less is more”. Some of the lesson came out of necessity. I cut back on clients to be with my daughter the majority of the time, which left us less money to work with. But it is funny how it works because it made me appreciate the little things even more, increasing my spirit of gratitude and generosity. We live in a culture where “more” is valued and even envied, a desire for more possessions, more accomplishments, and even more friends on Facebook. But the “more” I grew to desire were things like more rest, more exercise, more laughter, more quality time with family, and more living in the moment; basically, more of the things that I value most.
I had been a people pleaser who loved to be involved and thrived on interaction with others: a recipe for disaster for someone trying to simplify. But through my increased awareness, my strengthening values, and much prayer, I started to say “no” a little bit more. I even learned to accept help and eventually ask for help. Not to mention, I felt God at work as my need for quiet time and rest outweighed my need for social interaction. Wow, altogether life changing!
Then came motherhood the second time around which not only brought the typical issue of balancing the needs of two children at different stages with different personalities but it took the need for balance to a whole new level becoming a parent of a son with special needs. The immediate needs were quite scary as we spent long weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) dealing with medical issues and more doctors’ appointments in the first year than I had experienced my entire life. Then came developmental and other related issues that needed to be investigated and addressed, all while trying to support my husband through major medical issues, meet the many needs of my other little one, and take care of myself, not to mention moving into a new house. Thank goodness I had practice accepting and asking for help! I relied on God in a whole new way but also experienced his love and presence like never before. He had certainly been working in my life all along, but He spoke more loudly than ever because I obviously wasn’t truly getting it before. I was making progress working on various aspects of life, but it wasn’t until I focused on my spiritual compass that I experienced such profound change. My wake-up call has been the best gift I had ever received, a blessing beyond comprehension.
There are countless other learning through this most recent experience, but one of the best, as it relates to this article, is embracing the concept (not just theoretically) of “being” vs. “doing” as I was able to finally just stop and enjoy. By hearing my son’s laugh, anyone would understand why I was able to make this shift more naturally. I believe Deepak Chopra captures it best when he says “We are human beings, not human doings”. It might be simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. This dichotomy is tough to balance as we need to “do” in order to complete necessary tasks throughout our daily lives and of course, we need to “do” work to make a living and support our family. However, we need to ensure time is set aside to just “be”, to be able to be in the here and now and live in the moment, and in some cases, even deliberately do nothing in our effort to just be. Balancing this dichotomy is critical, especially in this world of being “on” 24/7. It’s necessary to consciously schedule “off” time, defending and protecting the need for down time and the desire to be.
There is a societal attitude that we will have and be more by doing more. The goal of doing may be to eventually find peace but inevitably, it won’t be found without first emphasizing being. If these are balanced with our core in mind, more energy and rejuvenation can be created. Once focused on being, doing what is important follows. It’s not about doing everything, it’s about doing the right things. Doing becomes effortless when we are in touch with who we are and aligning our actions with our values and focusing on doing the right things rather than simply doing more or many things.
I’ve learned that you can’t have everything and do everything at the same time. Be thankful for what you have, you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. — Oprah Winfrey