- Sowing and Reaping – Actions have consequences. Coaching Questions [CQ] If someone in your life is sowing anger, selfishness, and abuse toward you, what kind of boundaries could you set that minimizes whatever payoff they are receiving? What boundaries might raise the probability of their feeling the consequences for their actions?
- The Law of Responsibility – We are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other. This law means that each person refuses to rescue or enable another’s immature behavior. [CQ] How can you coach yourself to recognize when bailing someone out is more likely to be harmful than helpful?
- The Law of Power – We have power over some things, we don’t have power over others (including changing people). It is human nature to try to change and fix others so that we can be more comfortable. We can’t change or fix anyone – but we do have the power to change our own life. [CQ] Do you ever find yourself thinking if so-and- so would just (fill in the blank), I would be content? If so, how can you shift this perspective? How would you define a healthy sense of contentment – not satisfaction with the status quo – but a sense of peace with the direction and progress you’re choosing? How would you describe the process by which you gain power over your emotions?
- The Law of Respect – If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs. If someone in your life is volatile, you should not dictate to him/her all the reasons that they can’t be angry. A person should have the freedom to protest the things they don’t like. But at the same time, we can honor our own boundary by telling them, “Your raging at me is not acceptable to me. If you continue to rage, I will have to remove myself from you.” [CQ] Have you thought about how natural it is to respond to an offense by saying, “You can’t do that!”? How could you respond in a way that respects others’ rights and still sets a protective boundary for you? Some situations are more complex. Are you experiencing one you would like to discuss?
- The Law of Motivation – We must be free to say “no” before we can wholeheartedly say “yes.” One can not actually love another if he feels he doesn’t have a choice not to. Pay attention to your motives. [CQ] Have you heard the saying that a bird isn’t really your until you let it go and it returns? How do you see that applying to situations where people ask you for something and you feel obligated to say yes even though you think it may not be the best response? How can you help someone understand that refusing a request is not expressing a lack of care or respect?
- The Law of Evaluation – We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others. [CQ] Are your intended boundaries likely to cause pain that leads to injury? Or will they cause pain that leads to growth? How can you become more aware of your own motivation as you evaluate boundaries?
- The Law of Proactivity – We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs. Proactive people keep their freedom and they disagree and confront issues but are able to do so without getting caught up in an emotional storm. This law has to do with taking action based on deliberate, thought-out values versus emotional reactions. [CQ] How do you handle misunderstandings early – before they lead to high emotions? How can you develop the ability to discuss values, wants, and needs dispassionately?
- The Law of Envy – We will never get what we want if we focus our boundaries onto what others have. Envy is miserable because we’re dissatisfied with our state yet powerless to change it. The envious person doesn’t set limits because he is not looking at himself long enough to figure out what choices he has. [CQ] What do you think gives you significant in life? Do you tend to look inside or outside for evidence of significance? How do you tend yourself with others? Do you base the comparisons on possessions? Abilities? Relationships? Appearance? Potential? Internal Values? How does your sense of significance affect the presence of envy in your life?
- The Law of Activity – We need to take the initiative to solve our problems rather than being passive. In a dysfunctional relationship, sometimes one person is active and the other is passive. When this occurs, the active person will dominate the passive one. The passive person may be too intimidated by the active one to say no. This law has to do with making the first move. [CQ] On a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being passive and 10 being extremely active, where would you put yourself when conflict is brewing? How do you think fear prevents people from expressing their needs in a healthy way?
- The Law of Exposure – We need to communicate our boundaries. A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working. We need to make clear what we do or do not want, and what we will or will not tolerate. We need to also make clear that every boundary violation has a consequence. A boundary without a consequence is nagging.
[CQ] Someone has said that hope is not a strategy. How do you think that relates to communicating boundaries? How can you state boundaries in a way that makes them mutually beneficial, especially when you fear being seen as selfish?
References
Bolnick, B, “In Arms Coaching”, (online) available at www.inarmscoaching.com.
Burney, R, “Joy2MeU”, (online) available at htttp://joy2meu.com/index.html
Cloud, H, 1992, Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Cole, E, (online) available at http://www.edcole.org/index.php?fuseaction=coleisms.viewAllColeisms
Covey, F, available at
Covey, S, 1989, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Simon and Schuster, New York, NY
Hummel, C, 1979, Tyranny of the Urgent, 3rd edition, Navpress, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Robbins, A, “101 Best Anthony Robbins quotes on Life, Fears, Goals and Success”,available athttp://www.strategicbusinessteam.com
Scott, S, 1998, Laser-Accurate Priority Planning. Simon & Schuster, New York, New York
Swenson, R, MD, 1992, Margin, Navpress. Colorado Springs, Colorado
Walters, G, 2011, Out of the FOG, Kessinger, Whitefish, Montana