Values-related boundaries imply acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for the given values a person holds. People who choose integrity as a core value will likely have boundaries that prevent them from cheating, plagiarism, lying, stealing, and hypocrisy. Because integrity is a high value for them, their boundaries regarding it tend to be more thoughtfully defined and adhered to than the more intuitive, subconscious boundaries of the general public.
Another kind of boundary is intended to protect.
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. (online) available at .
Healthy boundaries are never intended for selfish manipulation.
Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation – although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulation is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome. …Setting a boundary is not making a threat – it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. Burney, R, “Joy2MeU”, (online) available at http://joy2meu.com/index.html
Many boundaries deal with relationships. A man who wants to protect his marriage may create personal boundaries to prevent temptation. Others might view his boundaries as unnecessary limitations; he views them as prudent protections of the growing value and freedom that characterize a long-term partnership.
Boundaries are maintained through disciplined flexibility. Flexibility allows boundaries to change within certain guidelines – particularly when crises create reasonable exceptions.
The vast majority of boundaries are in fact a negotiation rather than a rigid line in the sand. Burney, R, “Joy2MeU”, (online) available at htttp://joy2meu.com/index.html
Boundaries and margin
Boundaries provide margin. Think of the margin at the edge of a printed page. Try to imagine the page without it. It would be confusing – very difficult to know where a line was intended to end. The margin gives structure and clarity as well as allowing space to record reflections and conclusions.
Consider this description by Dr. Richard Swenson of marginless living versus maintaining margin.
Marginless is not having time to finish the book you’re reading on stress; margin is having the time to read it twice.
Marginless is fatigue; margin is energy.
Marginless is red ink; margin is black ink.
Marginless is hurry; margin is calm.
Marginless is reality; margin is remedy.
Marginless is anxiety; margin is security.
Marginless is the disease of our time. Margin is its cure.
We must have some room to breathe – freedom to think and permission to heal. Our relationships are being starved to death by velocity. No one has the time to listen, let alone love. Our children lay wounded on the ground, run over by our high-speed good intentions. Swenson, R, MD, 1992, Margin, Navpress, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Margin is healthy space and time for our entire being. Boundaries keep us protected from over-work, over-eating, and unhealthy relationships. Covey, S, 1989, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Simon and Schuster, New York, New York
Coaching Questions
- How would you assess the amount of sleep you get?
- What would happen in your financial life if you suddenly lost your job?
- How frequently do you find yourself feeling emotionally short of breath and longing for some downtime to catch up?
- How would you describe this concept of maintaining margin in your life? Do you think it’s a luxury, a waste of time, an impossible dream, a necessity, a reality in your present life…?
Authors, John Townsend and Henry Cloud have created ten laws of boundaries in their book Boundaries. The following brief summaries of their ten laws come from Walters, Gary 2011, Out of the FOG, Kessinger, Whitefish, Montana