A common feeling from the interviews I conducted was the need to reinvent yourself when you have no career/job to define who you are:
Re-inventing myself again. The kids and husband settle fast with school and work routines, friends and colleagues. Both times I have moved I gave up a job and a career to move and support the family.
Another response was very similar,
For me as a dependent (trailing spouse) it is all about..uh…what? There is no security in friends or surroundings, no one waiting for you, no job to go to. You have to reinvent yourself, time and again.
Once a spouse does manage to settle in to their new country (which according to my interviews can vary from 6 months to 2 years), it is often the case that the husbands “Professional clock” rings, and he is moved to another country, where the whole situation will happen again.
Relationships
Behind that friendly façade of competence and sociability there often lurks one very scared, emotionally exhausted, and in many cases angry resentful accompanying wife. – Robin Pascoe
One of the issues not mentioned in Company briefings, is the toll that moving to a new country can have on relationships. If a relationship is shaky before a move, it is less likely to survive on assignment. Even the most solid of relationships can take a battering overseas. Expat spouses usually have very few options to deal with their partner’s assignment abroad. They can either stay behind to continue life, as they know it or they can “trail” along. Both scenarios have their pros and cons.
In each case, expat assignments can make or break a relationship or marriage. As I mentioned earlier, in many cases, traveling spouses cannot pursue their own career while abroad and experience some restrictions on their personal freedom. Thus, spouses often face an identity crisis when they realize that they are losing their independence and status. Culture shock as well as the language barrier can make it hard for them to manage their lives the way they used to and even accomplish simple tasks.
As most spouses of assignees statistically still tend to be women, local and cultural traditions may have a strong effect on their personal lives as well. All this pressure on expats and their spouses is like a magnifying glass on a marriage. Underlying issues and disagreements will come to the forefront, and one will soon find out if the relationship can pass this crucial test.
Being an accompanying partner can also be an isolating experience, particularly in the early days of a move. You are unable to rely on your friends and family at home because they are distant, they don’t understand what you are going through or you don’t want to confide in them because you feel guilty about complaining about your new “glamorous and charmed life” overseas. Making it worse, you haven’t formed any meaningful friendships in your new locations yet. The only person you feel comfortable confiding in is your partner. But it’s early days for him too – he’s under significant stress as he acclimatizes to his new job and may be so consumed with his own issues that he doesn’t have the capacity to handle yours too. You may resent that he’s not emotionally available but he may be feeling responsible and even a bit guilty for putting you in a situation where you may not be happy. Simmering resentment and guilt – not a good combination.
Case study
Six months into our Vietnam posting, life had improved dramatically. We were living in a wonderful house, the children had all made new friends and I had a great network of like- minded people to support me. I felt I had learnt a lot from my first six months in HCMC and was very conscious of keeping an eye out for newcomers. They were easily recognizable by the glazed look in their eyes and the sagging shoulders. One such lady I met, Carla, became a good friend and a trial “coaching” client. Without either of us becoming aware of it, my role became one of support person, and confidant. Carla hated Vietnam with a passion. Her husband had relocated their successful business to Vietnam to help cut down on productivity costs and take advantage of the booming Vietnam economy. He had picked the house before Carla arrived (which she hated on sight), he picked the furniture (a disaster), and traveled constantly so Carla was left on her own, with two daughters, for long periods of a time. When we first met, she was miserable. Over the course of our friendship I tried to include her in outings, get her involved in charity work and do something about her uncared for home. In an expat world, your home is your salvation; it is an escape from the crazy world outside that sometimes you want to hide from. I learnt early on that it is important to surround yourself with your favorite furnishings, pictures and comforts from home. As one expat spouse commented:
Make your house your home…feeling like it is a rental property you are in temporarily will stop you feeling settled
Slowly Carla involved herself more in the community and made her house comfortable. With support and guidance she found the confidence to not only survive, but thrive in a difficult environment. The effect of Carla being happy and positive was that the children also began to enjoy the experience and stopped being negative and anti social, traits that Carla had unknowingly transferred to them.
Robin Pascoe is a well-known traveling spouse who is internationally recognized for her books, articles and presentations on the challenges of global living and adjustment. In an interview on the Expat Women website, Robin noted that in over 20 year of working on behalf of expats, despite thousands of words, policies, research and surveys, expat spouses are no further ahead in having their needs and challenges really understood and taken seriously by the powers that be (including often, their own spouses).
Robin says; I still hear the same conversations I did 20 years ago
However Robin admits that the advent of the technology age has made the expats life easier.
I think what has changed dramatically for spouses have been the technologies. Phones, computers, etc make them feel less isolated from their families, cultures, pop culture, books, resources etc.
On the positive side
There is no doubt that being an expat spouse can be challenging. However, there is also a very exciting side to the lifestyle. If managed with proper support, then it can lead to a great opportunities and personal growth. When asked what would make the transition to a new country easier, the unanimous verdict from all my interview subjects was, having someone to talk to, to lean on and to give you guidance. It also helps to have a positive attitude and be open to new possibilities. One of the ladies commented;