Characteristics of the People Pleasers
People Pleasers may define themselves as being: accommodating, understanding, nice, a giver, cooperative or selfless. They might say things like: “It’s hard for me to say no”, “It’s easier to just go along”, “People are always taking advantage of/using me” or “I never get what I want” (Jay Early, 2009). They may struggle with feelings of anger, anxiety, depression and frustration due to their own actions in their personal and professional relationships. They have a hard time asking for what they want and an even harder time saying no to the demands of others, leaving them feeling used and as if their feelings are neglected. They often set up these dynamics in their relationships unconsciously, then insist that they are unlucky in love or are “too nice”. They might appear to be a pushover and more concerned with the needs of others than their own, however inside they may struggle with anger and resentment which if left unresolved can lead to deeply dissatisfying life.
This person may come to coaching wondering why they always end up in certain situations and believe they are picking all the wrong partners or friends and ending up with the worst bosses. The pattern may be beginning to unveil itself to them, however they might be unaware of their own contribution to it and some of the accompanying underlying beliefs. Their sense of self worth is often tied to how useful they are to others leading to beliefs such as “If I don’t meet the needs of my parent/partner/boss/friend I am a bad person” or “If I don’t do what my parent/partner/boss/friend wants then they will not like/need/want me and I will be abandoned or alone.” Their fear of rejection may drive them to meet the demands of others even at their own expense. They might even view putting their needs first as selfish or inconsiderate and often find themselves in relationships with individuals who reinforce these beliefs (Leon F. Seltzer, 2008).
A People Pleaser might inadvertently set up a caretaker pattern in their relationship in order to preserve it and create a sense of security of which they will later resent. This behavior feeds the belief that if my parent/partner/boss/friend needs me and is reliant on me, they will not leave or abandon me. However, when the other individual makes use of these services the people pleaser may then feel resentful and taken advantage of and ultimately if the other individual becomes self sufficient the People Pleaser may feel useless within the relationship and seek to leave it. In order to maintain this dynamic the People Pleaser may actually seek out individuals who are weak in some form or another to feed their own need to be needed only to repeat the pattern. Because they might realize that they have in fact set up this dynamic it is often difficult to speak up about their feelings as the dynamic is manifesting itself within the situation or relationship (Harriet B Braiker, 2001). Additionally, they often fear that by speaking their truth they might offend the other person and lose their love or support. Their fear of rejection keeps them quiet yet unhappy either remaining in a frustrating relationship or jumping from relationship to relationship or job to job, believing “it’s them not me”.
A people pleaser struggles with an almost compulsive need to give to or “fix” others and ignores their inability to control themselves and their own feelings. In fact they often avoid acknowledging or experiencing their feelings and throw themselves into the drama of others, becoming the ultimate caretaker and helper.
They might find themselves in helping professions or in “fixer upper” relationships, where they are constantly required to put their needs aside as they tend to the more important needs of another. They may seek out individuals with far worse situations than their own in order to convince themselves that their plight is not that bad or could be worse and therefore they should not focus on themselves but on the needs of those who are worse off than they are. They can easily justify and intellectualize their behavior to themselves and others, making it difficult to see themselves as the source of their unhappiness. And while this may seem irrational they are often creating and feeding into situations of dependency and reliance, making it all about them. In fact their need to please is more about them than it is the other individual: their need to be needed, their drama of constantly being used, their need to be liked or popular, their need to control the people around them in order to feel secure, and their need to be a victim. This tendency to seek out individuals with limitations or to even construct co-dependency in a relationship is essential to the maintenance of their own life drama.