Research Paper: Coach Presence: or One Day when I Become a Confident Coach…

Research Paper By Halina Matsarskaya
(Leadership Presence Coach, UNITED STATES)

The Body Never Lies. ​ – Martha Graham, American dancer, Choreographer

Good Old Confidence

Stellar Coaching Profile

A couple of years ago, at the dawn of exploring my vocation, came this blissful moment when I had just uncovered coaching for myself. Yet instantaneously, I felt confident enough to become a coach with whatever professional experience I owned at that moment, even though it didn’t have much to do with the coaching discipline. In my pocket, I held a decade in the corporate world, a couple of first-level leadership roles in Finance and Human Resources realms, backed up by an MBA degree in Leadership and Organizational Behavior(in progress). Having taken a few coaching related classes in the past and frequently served as a shoulder to cry on to whom people were naturally drawn to for all kinds of personal and professional advice, I saw no particular reason for why I couldn’t call myself say a Leadership Coach and readily plunge into a new successful career!

In the meantime, as my knowledge about the coaching field gradually expanded, I realized a proper ICF accredited coaching program would not hurt and might ensure my already “stunning” profile look seven more impressive. Sure enough, the intent was just to check the box, yet, thanks partly to my natural perseverance and partly to the pure luck, I managed to find this incredible program – International Coach Academy (ICA). But boy, was I wrong about nearly everything except that coaching, besides being my true passion, is an exceptionally powerful tool! A remarkable outcome even a single coaching session can yield astonished me.

Where did Confidence Go?

But wait. What’s happened to my audacity and bold attitude after just two years into the program? With the certificate soon to be in my pocket, am I now more confident as a coach? Not at all. On the contrary, now that I am approaching the long-expected graduation moment, an impostor slash learner syndrome has overtaken me. Albert Einstein’s circle of knowledge paradox showed up: “As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.” It dawned on me – the more I studied, the less confident I felt to coach. Besides, the coaching school’s learning environment felt so cozy and safe.

How come I had deluded myself into a belief that I could flourish as a coach without all that comprehensive knowledge I gained since then! Luckily, I could “see the light”, so my new belief went like this: One day, but not until I hold a Master Certified Coach (MCC) credential, or at least a Professional Certified Coach (PCC), will I be able to claim my confidence in what I do.

Still, I was confused: what do I do till I arrive at that mystery moment? Can I somehow “learn” confidence today when I seem to need it most?

Back to School or Searching for Confidence

Traditional business schools and MBA programs rigorously teach the notion of Confidence to future leaders via lectures and reading materials. Had this sufficed, then I would certainly not be questioning my confidence now. A diligent A-student focusing predominantly on Leadership disciplines, I do know the definition of Confidence like the back of my hand. In the contemporary business world, Confidence hinges upon the notion of Executive or Leadership Presence[1]. Quite often, these two concepts would be used interchangeably.

Meanwhile, in our journey of grasping confidence or presence, we will further notice there is a slight distinction in how presence is perceived and presented by the business society versus the community of spiritual teachers, authors, influencers, and coaches. This variance, albeit hardly tangible, profoundly impacts students’ ability to not only embrace the virtue of presence cognitively but also embrace the new behaviour at the body level, so that true internal presence transforms in the second nature.

Let’s take a more in-depth look at the perception of confidence in the business world, the place were leaders often so desperately chase it. With a myriad of ways to describe confidence, as well as presence, I find the definition offered in the book “Executive Presence: The Missing Link Between Merit and Success” by Sylvia Ann Hewlett most appealing. According to Hewlett, executive presence rests on three pillars:

The author’s idea that nowadays calm, confident, and assertive leaders are in favour (e.g., Former U.S. President Barack Obama), as opposed to the archaic approach portraying a leader as either tough and ruthless (think Joseph Stalin) or even charismatic (like Steve Jobs), appeals to me. And I totally get it. On the one hand, the above concept seems perfectly fine depicting an ideal image of a top-notch, confident leader, or in my case a confident coach, which I would love to project on my clients during the coaching session or overall as a business owner. Still, why is that despite the complete grasp of the concept I am not quite there yet?

Perhaps, it is because any theoretical model in its core feels slightly artificial and foreign when we try to comprehend it solely with our minds. Whereas we certainly can’t deny the role the mind plays in learning, humanity (especially the modern one with the smartphone in their hands 24/7 believing they got all the answers) often remains ignorant about how complex the rest of our body as a living organism is. In addition, could it be that any theory aimed at presenting such a broad notion as presence merely touches the surface of something more fundamental, even primal? Something that is located at the heart level or even deeper, at another vast nervous centre – yes, the guts.

When Mind Meets Guts

Before they suddenly decided that it’s about time to adopt a new more confident behaviour, adult human beings had been learning certain behavioural patterns for quite a long period, which boils down to the fact that the neurons in the nervous system built firm networks of usual convenient paths when responding to certain triggers. This phenomenon sometimes is referred to as “following your gut.” To aggravate the ordeal of overcoming the learned patterns, in the moments when we would welcome our confidence most (in the scenario of a beginner-coach we talk about the first months of practice or a discovery session with a potential client), we are farther away from feeling confident than ever… The amygdala, the fear centre of the brain, sends a signal of danger, preventing the prefrontal cortex, the analytical part of the brain, from doing its job. Overlooking the coaching agreement part, dwelling on unnecessary thoughts or conclusions and thus not releasing judgment in a timely manner, forgetting the tools we planned to use, or vainly scrabbling for that powerful question only to never find one would exemplify the case when fresh coach’s mind is trapped. Apprehensive and nervous, we go into the “fight or flight’ mode while fidgeting and rambling non-stop or freeze in silence begging for all this to be over.

Moving on. With all that in mind, the question becomes whether one is actually able to learn confidence from textbooks? I believe the answer is no. Whereas one can understand the general idea of how a confident person is supposed to act, and even teach it to others, it does not guarantee one truly feels confident or present inside, on the body cells level, and as such cannot physically project confidence to others albeit for a brief period of time. Hence, it is next to impossible to embrace confidence or presence as our second nature by purely memorizing the definition…

Practice Makes Perfect

At this point, one could argue, “Well, why not just start practising?” Indeed, as Tomas Leonard skillfully outlined his own strategy: “I would go out of my way to find and coach 100 individuals over the next two years. That’s IT. That’s all I would do. They could pay me or not. Some clients would last a single session, others the full 2 years. But I would know that if I coached 100 people that the following would likely happen: …I would learn SO much from these 100 people that I would develop confidence in my abilities” [3].

Without a shadow of a doubt, such an approach will help build the much-needed courage muscle. Simply through practice and repetition, and then even more practice, we gradually stretch the boundaries of our comfort zone and gain confidence in what we do. To enhance the positive effect, we can also keep on learning a bit more, reading a bit more, attending more classes, programs, seminars, and so on and so forth. Oh, this comforting “I am still learning” mode…Conveniently frees us from the need to take responsibility.

Despite the perfect sense both vigorous practice and perpetual expanding of one’s knowledge base make, the question we posed in the first place remains open: what if I need my confidence this very moment when I am about to embark on my coaching journey? When I am yet in anticipation of the first few of my future one hundred clients?

Fake It Till You Make It

As per Aristotle, to be virtuous, one must act as a virtuous person would act. As an option, could we fake our confidence? We could even back it up with a bunch of most supportive positive affirmations, such as “I am always confident, calm, and relaxed when coaching a new client.”Though some claim such strategy works for them, as we discussed earlier, one can only fake it for a short time. Moreover, it requires a solid acting talent for a body to project pure confidence while the brain is jam-packed with misery, fear, or agitation. My personal experience proved this. Many times, after presenting in class at my MBA program or during the Toast Masters’ meeting, I would later receive positive feedback from my colleagues and even professors about my radiant presence and confidence they had observed. I believe the skill comes from my childhood experience dancing on stage. I call it acting or playing a role when I am “confident” but only to the point until someone or something unforeseen interferes my ideal, immaculately planned scenario. Say I learned my slides inside-out and then masterfully delivered the material. Nonetheless, I didn’t expect that tough question coming after, which undermined so polished confidence, did I?

Perform Presence vs Be Presence

What happened in reality, was that by faking it I “performed presence”, but I was not present. Hence, doubt, fear, and apprehension will not cease to exist until I finally make it to the true presence. As for positive affirmations, they tend to evaporate from memory in the presence of an unknown challenge for the reasons discussed earlier: the prefrontal cortex, responsible for recalling the affirmations, is hijacked. 

In coaching, there is no our own agenda or scenario, nothing to rehearse or plan ahead, but merely a present moment shared with the client. Thus, no performance will work when as coaches we need to “Be Presence.”

Overall, all the strategies outlined above, seem to push solutions from the outside as if trying to pull something over our bodies or squeeze it in our minds. But what if we don’t need any external tools, or to fake anything, or even to wait till we are at MCC level before we experience true confidence? What if confidence is unconditionally present in us?

Internal Confidence – New Age.

Contemporary philosophers and scientists spend hours in a rigorous attempt to unwrap the very core from which presence and confidence sprout. Various terms are used when referring to this core matter, yet, all of them approach confidence from the inside out.

Being

My favourite spiritual influencer Eckhart Tolle, the author of “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth,” explores certain duality existing in the perception of confidence. On the one hand, Tolle suggests, confidence may be perceived as something external, implying it could be reached only by means of secondary sources or through comparison with others. Such perception manifests itself through the statement “I feel confident WHEN…” For instance, “I feel confident when my boss gives me praise,” or “I feel confident when I can splurge on luxury things more than my neighbour does.”Such pseudo confidence feeling is unsustainable due to its short life span [4].

Coaching Application. In relation to coaching scenario, “I feel confident when the session unfolds in the desired way, when my client behaves in a predictable manner, or when I am savvy in handling the particular conversation.” Or as the title of this research paper suggests: “…One day WHEN I become a confident coach.”

On the other hand, there is always internal confidence which emerges from simply being – or in other words from awareness, consciousness, or presence. Tolle sheds the light, “True self-confidence comes through sensing the presence within” [4]. This is the inner space of consciousness where an unconditional “I am confident, period” statement resides. Such confidence arises through “active stillness”[13] – a powerful moment when stillness transforms into action. Tolle further explains how the most creative ideas are born from stillness, rather than from rigorous analysis or overthinking [13]. Remember Newton napping under the apple tree when the law of universal gravitation descended on him? Or Archimedes and his Eureka! popping up when he was taking a bath. Indeed, one must apply analytical thinking to contemplate ideas; yet, revolutionary discoveries or simply the best possible outcomes are cultivated from silent mindful being, or presence. The mind needs stillness to connect the dots.

Coaching Application. The internal confidence is accessible when one is fully present at the moment, being and experiencing it to the full extent. In the case of coaching, such quiet being would release a coach from any expectations or made-up stories about how the situation is supposed to evolve. And most importantly, it will leave no other choice but to give up the need to control or dominate, and instead, trust the coaching process, ourselves, and our client. Live the moment.

Another spiritual author and influencer, Michael Singer, in his book “The Untethered Soul,” dives into the idea of overcoming discomfort by consciously staying present with it, deeply immersing oneself in the uneasiness. He compares the perceived discomfort with the imaginary walls erected by our mind. Although the pain grows upon approaching the walls, by being present with it, we go through the walls or beyond the discomfort expanding our tolerance boundaries for adverse life circumstances [5].

Coaching Application. When coaching, going beyond the discomfort zone is when we consciously allow the discomfort to hang in the air whereas we remain tranquil in our mind and body.

Such a philosophical approach to internal confidence is incredibly powerful, and one might at some point be able to reach this“enlightenment” [5,13]or “awakening” [5,13]through the deliberate spiritual practice. Yet, in the latest decades, the ideas of presence and mindfulness have sprung from spirituality to the contemporary scientific treaties.

Presence encompasses two interconnected conditions: physically grounded and mentally centred. So far, we have talked more about mind presence. Now, let’s shift our focus to body presence.

Body Presence

In her book “Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges”, American social psychologist, author, speaker, and former Harvard Associate Professor, Amy Cuddy, famous for her “Power Posing” TED Talk, suggests that presence be the key to inner power [6].

Per Cuddy’s discovery, true intrinsic power and confidence outweigh the one given to us by society or expertise. Hence, the more personally powerful we are, the closer we are to our genuine self and vice versa.To enhance one’s internal power, she further emphasizes the importance of approaching life from one’s unique traits and real values [6].

The most significant finding was buried in the part of the book devoted to confidence or power that germinates on a physical body level. With her extended study, Cuddy proves that we feel more powerful if, when facing the ordeal, we open up, expand our body, rather than adopt a defensive posture. Cuddy further explores the exceptional impact of practising the power pose before the challenge presents itself, as such pose launches corresponding hormones which in turn accelerate inner power [6].

The similar idea found its reflection as Rule Number 1 “Stand Up Straight with Your Shoulders Back” in the book called “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos,” by Jordan Peterson, a psychology professor of the University of Toronto. He explained how in lobster dominance hierarchy those species closer to the top hold a more upright posture due to the hormonal mixture that powerful status produced in their bodies. We will not get bogged down in too many details here, but the idea is clear – to boost confidence, “stand up straight with your shoulders back” [7].

Coaching Application. I believe, this is a solid start for the beginning coaches looking for a magic kick from intrinsic power and coaching presence. Already we see, the genuine physical body presence is hard to mock – people feel the sincere presence on a subconscious level.

Vulnerable but Authentic

Researcher Dr.Brené Brown, known for her TED talks about Vulnerability and Shame, in her study on individuals who firmly believed they were worthy, found that they shared one attitude– courage to be vulnerable. This implies they were courageous enough to let go of who they were supposed to be and tell the story of who they truly were, imperfect and vulnerable [8].

In turn, vulnerability is a prerequisite for authenticity. An HBR article “Discovering Your Authentic Leadership” portrays one’s life as a house where each room represents different life areas – work, family, friends, hobbies, etc., – divided by walls. The idea is that if a leader is comfortable with“knocking down the walls between the rooms and be the same person in each of them” [9] this is what pure authenticity looks like.

Coaching Application. When as coaches we are willing to show up for who we are, the need to pretend we know something we don’t or defend our choices dissolves; and so does the unnecessary tension in us releasing energy that then organically connects body and mind. In this state, an authentic self emerges, and with it – the best questions or observations. When we are able to eagerly admit “I don’t know,” yet show empathy and enthusiasm to help our clients find their own answers, this is when trust and connection are built.

Flow

The idea of presence has been also explored through the concept of “Flow” [10].  Being in flow, when performing either an intellectual or physical activity, not only results in the ultimate outcome but also inspires and cultivates the energy, bringing bliss and happiness during the whole process. The inventor of this concept is Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian-American psychologist. I go deeper into the Flow concept in my Power Tool “Flow vs Effort”. Here is a brief summary of the idea.

Flow is a time period when we feel unconditionally happy and completely engaged with the process while applying our best knowledge. The action is so enjoyable that the time perception fades: we neglect hunger and other needs before we are exhausted and can’t perform any longer – then flow exhausts its presence until we regain your mental and physical resources. The sensation captivates our mind, body, and spirit – that is flow. The chart below could be helpful for visual learners to further grasp the idea.

Source: Adapted from Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience (p.74). New York: HarperCollins [10].

The chart shows that if a person is overqualified for a certain activity, soon he or she will feel bored. Conversely, if the required skills are missing – a person becomes upset, irritated or even anxious.

Coaching Application. Whereas living life in the flow mode is the ultimate goal, countless professionals, or even amateurs, should they enjoy what they do, may experience this nourishing sensation most of the times. Meanwhile, coaches have an edge over many other professionals, as the entire coaching process is built in such a way that it predisposes the coach to stay in the flow. When we coach, we observe and let flow, rather than dwell on and judge.

Mindful Awareness

Finally, the Father of Emotional Intelligence paradigm, Daniel Goleman, introduces focus and awareness as the state of mind where presence soars. He decomposes awareness into three dimensions: Awareness of Self (being mindful, grounded, self-management), Awareness of Other (empathy, active listening, connecting), and awareness of Context (clear vision on a situation or the whole system) [11].

Being present is in our essence. Given to us by mother nature, presence is an organic mode which children operate in all the time. Yet, due to underlying beliefs and automatic negative thoughts contaminating mind, as well as poor behaviours harboured over a prolonged period of time, it takes a conscious effort for an average adult person to switch on their presence.

Coaching Application. Although still in its infancy in western society, meditation has a magnificent effect on mind and body. Goleman and many other scientists have found compelling scientific proof for this miracle. Through mindfulness and meditation, which many of us coaches already consciously practice, we can reach the primary source of internal confidence, the very cradle of creativity or, as some call it, pure potentiality.

Through Coaching Presence to Confidence.

According to the International Coach Federation (ICF), the coaching competency referred to as Coaching Presence is: Ability to be fully conscious and create spontaneous relationship with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible and confident [12]. Surprisingly or not, all the concepts delineated in part 2 are aligned with the definition of coaching presence as a competency [12]:

Meanwhile, a closer look at the rest of the ICF core coaching competencies reveals that presence, in its own essence or in its various appearances, underpins most of the core competencies, if not all:

ICF competencies [12]:	Required presence components:
Establishing Trust and Intimacy with the Client	Vulnerability, Authenticity, Connection Body Presence and Internal Power Mindfulness and Awareness
Active Listening	Being an Active Stillness Focus and Flow Mindfulness and Awareness
Powerful Questioning	Being an Active Stillness Body Presence and Internal Power Focus and Flow Mindfulness and Awareness
Direct Communication	Being an Active Stillness Vulnerability, Authenticity, Connection Body Presence and Internal Power Focus and Flow Mindfulness and Awareness
Creating Awareness	Being an Active Stillness Vulnerability, Authenticity, Connection Body Presence and Internal Power Focus and Flow Mindfulness and Awareness
Designing Actions; Planning and Goal Setting; Managing Progress and Accountability	Vulnerability, Authenticity, Connection Body Presence and Internal Power Focus and Flow Mindfulness and Awareness

Unquestionably, in addition to Presence, coaching competencies encompass countless other skills and techniques. Yet, it is my sincere belief that Presence is a backbone of the coaching process. Whereas there are multiple activities or jobs which one can perform on autopilot – while listening to the music, talking to a colleague, or even multitasking -one cannot coach if not fully present for the client, with both body and mind. Clearly, there are other activities and professions which would require complete presence, just to name a few: surgeons, actors, teachers, artists.  Yet, our goal in this research to help beginning coaches to find their own presence and confidence during the coaching process. Thus, simply knowing they can access it while coaching is a turning point.

At last, the complete picture begins to crystallize. First, for us coaches, reaching the present state appears to be far easier than it is for many other professionals. Not only we are the minority of highly self-aware folks, perpetual hunters for knowledge, but we are also the ones who walk the talk by practising mindfulness and meditation -the outlet for presence -and by living coaching lifestyles. Hence, simply by doing what we do best, being there for our clients, we will find our presence and the confidence will follow suit. Simply put, through coaching we generate our internal confidence!

In its own nature, coaching process implies pure presence. Moreover, the coaching process is designed to manifest presence. Coach doesn’t try to predict the way in which the next moment must progress, but rather welcomes the unknown and eagerly accepts whatever follows. Coaching awakens our confidence. We reach confidence not by pondering how confident we are, carefully lining up our agenda, or attempting to predict the situation. Instead, we redirect our focus out, toward our client, and with sincere curiosity and empathy immerse ourselves into the flow of the coaching process, allowing the events to evolve organically. It’s by far the most powerful way to gain confidence!

A few words on curiosity, vital aptitude in coaching. Remaining genuinely curious through shifting focus to what is going on outside of the monkey mind grounds us and returns back to present. Such a strategy often takes place at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) sessions where patients struggling with social anxiety ultimately search for a confidence boost.

As for vulnerability, it promotes authentic coaching even further, unveiling passion and broad coaching potential. Worse comes to worst, a tiny bit of nervousness not only can be transformed into excitement but also proves we care and brings us in the client’s eyes down to earth where trust and connection are born. It is no coincidence that curiosity and vulnerability go hand in hand with presence; they all work in unison to orchestrate confidence.

Reflecting on these questions will help generate internal power and confidence while supporting a powerful coaching session:

To summarize, coaching is only feasible in a state of presence. Presence is at the core of any coaching practice: it is the heart and soul of coaching. Confidence is born out of presence. If we do it right – get into the moment, become fully present -then, the moment we jump into coaching, the confidence will show up! When present and mindful, we will know the best question every single moment; both awareness and confidence will surface from within with each step. The powerful coaching process is a pure manifestation of confidence.

If the coach is there for the client, the confidence is there for the coach.

References:

1. Adapted from Mindtools.com. Developing Executive Presence. Retrieved from:https://www.mindtools.com/community/pages/article/developing-executive-presence.php
2. Hewlett, S.A. (2014).Executive Presence: The Missing Link Between Merit and Success. HarperCollins Publishers. ISBN 978-0-06-2246899
3. Leonard, T.(2001). Retrieved from: https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/thomas-leonard
4. Tolle, E. True Self Confidence. From the video: In Touch with the Deeper Dimension: A Meditation with Eckhart Tolle. Retrieved from: https://www.eckharttollenow.com/new-home-video/default.aspx?shortcode=ccx9l2
5. Singer, M.A. (2007). The Untethered Soul. The Journey Beyond Yourself.New Harbinger Publications, Inc. ISBN 978-1-57224-913-4
6. Cuddy, A. (2015). Presence. Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Little, Brown and Company. Hachette Book Group, Inc.LCCN 2015952382
7. Peterson, J.B.(2018). 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Random House Canada, a Division of Penguin Random House Canada Ltd. ISBN 978-0-345-81602-3
8. Brown, B. ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en&utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
9. George, B., Sims, P., McLean, A.N. (2007). Discovering Your Authentic Leadership. Harvard Business Review, p.7. R0702H
10. Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York: HarperCollins.
11. Daniel Goleman: “Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence” Talks at Google talks. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9yRmpcXKjY
    Goleman, D. I squared. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTfYv3IEOqM&t=420s
12. International Coach Federationhttps://coachfederation.org/ Retrieved from: https://coachfederation.org/core-competencies
13. Tolle, E. (2005). A New Earth. Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. Penguin Group (USA), Inc. ISBN 0-525-94802-3

Picture credits:

1. com
2. Picture credit: Halina Matsarskaya, author