Guilt and risk
Life is nothing if not risk-taking. One cannot understand or reach ones potential without taking risk. Events that await us in the future, events that may have the potential to shape our lives, remain untested if one does not participate in them. This involves risk.
The most damaging impact of guilt is manifested in the reluctance to take those risks. Simply put, if we do not take risks then we minimise the chances of repeating history – that of causing pain or harm to another person – the original cause of the guilt. Of course, this pertains more to events that are similar to the source event. For example, if the source was a relationship that ended badly, we can become introverted and not allow ourselves intimacy with others. So even if we meet someone who is attractive to us, we will shun them actively. Thus we deny ourselves the opportunity of relationship happiness.
Guilt and repentance
It is generally believed that repentance is key to overcoming guilt. Most religions and philosophies around the world extol the virtues of repentance as the path to forgiveness. In turn, it is believed that without forgiveness there can be no absolution. However, the person seeking repentance and the forgiver need not be the same persons (or entity, as in the case of religious belief). Repentance in itself is not a definite solution to guilt. It is entirely possible to have repented a past action and yet carry the guilt associated with it. Consequently, as explained above, guilt may remain deeply embedded with its associated risk-averseness, despite having repented.
Atonement is an extension of repentance and, like the latter, does not necessarily guarantee freedom from guilt. Repentance and atonement may not constitute acceptance.
Anticipatory guilt
A rational person may assume that if one felt guilt for an act to be committed in the future, then that act would be prevented by self-policing moral structures. However, from simplistic examples like eating ice cream when on a diet to committing adultery life is full of instances of premeditated actions that gave rise to guilt prior to it. Yet, the guilt in such instances seldom acts as a restraining force.
Interestingly, in such cases not only is there anticipatory guilt but also the certainty that there will be further guilt, remorse and regret after the action. The human mind is indeed clever enough to somehow make the future regret seem diminished in the face of immediate ingratiation.
An extreme example is that of Myrrha –
but more and more horrified by herself / more and more sick with guilt, / she let the old nurse / lead her toward the bed where the King waited. (the King being her father) – as marvelously told by Ted Hughes. [5]
Useful guilt
While it is true that guilt acts as an inhibitor of actions and risk-taking, issue can be taken with the Nayeris in their contention that it is entirely useless. We have already discussed reciprocal altruism [1]. Additionally, it is a powerful motivator not to repeat acknowledged mistakes or actions from the past. For example if the guilt was triggered by the consequence of an act of spontaneous anger, then it is unlikely that such an act will be repeated knowingly.
However, this positive association of future acts with guilt is not something to be nurtured. If the goal is to rid oneself of inhibiting guilt, then other structures would have to be found or created to allow for the ongoing beneficial learning but without perpetuating the guilt.
Lack of guilt
People lacking any sense of guilt or remorse for harm they may have caused others are known as psychopaths. Typically they would rationalize their behaviour, blame someone else or deny it altogether.
A person with such a psychopathy has a tendency to be harmful to his or herself and to others. They have little ability to plan ahead for the future. [1]
A person without the capability to feel guilt or remorse would be able to rationalise their actions as the fault of others and have no need to find themselves culpable.
This is seen by psychologists as part of a lack of moral reasoning (in comparison with the majority of humans), an inability to evaluate situations in a moral framework, and an inability to develop emotional bonds with other people due in part to a low emotional intelligence. [1]
Flaubert’s Emma Bovary is perhaps the most famous such character in the literary realm. Her spiraling descent into corruption was entirely devoid of any guilt or remorse. On the contrary, she rationalized her actions almost clinically, always the victim. Even on her deathbed
in a clear voice she asked for her mirror, and she leaned over it awhile, big tears trickling from her eyes. [6]
Guilt and acceptance
Some of the dictionary definitions of acceptance are:
- The act of assenting or believing [3]
- The act of accepting or state of being accepted or acceptable [4]
- Synonyms include – acknowledgement; agreement; belief; approval, admission, recognition; affirmation. [4]
It is my belief that acceptance is the route to freedom from guilt. Acceptance is at several levels – the source event and action; human fallibility and frailty; ourselves; and life and the living of it.
While repentance (accompanied by atonement or attempt thereof) is a pre-condition, we must accept that:
Whether we make peace with ourselves or not, Arundhati Roy is quite right in differentiating between acceptance and change, the latter being the preferred follow-up to the former, the means and the end. The sequencing effectively is self-awareness, source detection, perspective gain, acceptance, perspective change and finally, actual change.
And that is where the coach comes in.
Coaching guilt
Coaching can play a key part in ridding oneself of guilt. Of course, this pre-supposes the standard coaching requisites, ie, client commitment, focus and at least a certain degree of self-awareness. Further, it is unlikely that the client will be ready to confront his/her guilt if there has been no repentance (and atonement, if relevant)
It should also be pointed out that the distinction made between coaching and therapy would have to be adjusted to enable guilt coaching. We are taught
One of the most obvious differences between the two approaches is that therapy tends to focus on feelings and experiences related to past events, whereas coaching is oriented towards goal setting and encourages the client to move forward.
Further,
coaching does not rely on past issues for achieving growth…. and if you are working in the past, then you are involved in therapy. [7]
Without delving deep into the past or into the source event, it is still necessary that the client acknowledge the source of the guilt. I suggest that this may be borderline therapy by strict definition but allowable in coaching as it
is a methodology that draws on a range of more traditional professions…. [7]
Having said that, getting rid of debilitating guilt is all about forward looking and goal setting for the future, hence, to my mind, absolutely eligible for coaching.
Coaching Process – ACCEPT
The coach’s task is to enable the client to recognize the burden of guilt and, as stated above, accept the source event and consequences as historic facts. As a process, the coach would employ the following:
The ACCEPT Coaching Model
Coaching Tools
There are several tools that the coach can use in helping the client on the journey to purging guilt. Inter alia, these can be:
Sources
- Wikipedia
- goodtherapy.org
- dictionary.com [Random House]
- Collins English Dictionary
- Ted Hughes, Tales From Ovid
- Gustav Flaubert, Madame Bovary
- International Coach Academy