Session Two: Is it mine or yours?
Personal accountability: Identifying the owner of reactions
Before the session begins have a brief discussion about the highlights of the previous session on self awareness and use that as a segue to this session on personal accountability.
There is often confusion about the origin of feelings and whether they belong to the person who is having the feeling or the person who is projecting the feeling back to them.
We have all heard people say,
You make me feel like I can do anything or You make me feel like an idiot. or You make me so sad. or You make me feel terrible about myself.
Who owns that feeling? What is it’s source?
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are altered expressions of our needs. If someone says, ‘You never understand me.’ They are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled.
If a wife says,
You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me. she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.3
In believing that others can make us feel terrible about ourselves, we abdicate responsibility for our own emotional well being. And by assigning ownership of those feelings to someone else, we are not in a position to make the choice to feel better. Realizing and understanding that we take things in based on our self beliefs gives us freedom to choose how we respond to the words and actions of others.
When we recognize that we are responsible for our own feelings we can then take the next step to understand that we choose what happens next. Reacting immediately is emotionally based and may be disruptive to the relationship/communication and it may not sereve the long term goals or desires of the relationship. When we take a moment to gather ourselves we are able to respond in a reasoned way that supports the needs of the conversation/relationship and the longer term personal goals/desires.
Difficulties find us in life and one of the few things we have control over is how we respond.
Before the talking begins have a few meditative moments and ask people to identify their intention for this time together.
Group Conversation. Focus the coaching on these questions/topics:
Ask the people in the group to think of a time in the last week when someone “made them feel” something. Investigating these feelings based on the insights gained This is a big topic, particularly when it is a new concept. The exercises will help the participants experience the difference in the approaches.
As the participants about the choices we have when someone says something. The only thing we have real control over is the choices we make and how we respond to the choices others make. Discuss the importance of empathy and compassion as a part of responding. We never know what is going on in someone else’s life. Ask them how they want others to respond to them when they make a mistake.
Exercises:
- Give an example of a time when you felt hurt after having had a conversation with someone. What did you want from that exchange? What could you have done differently to create a different outcome?
- Ask someone in the group to volunteer to model that conversation playing out differently. Ask for a second volunteer to represent the other side of the conversation. (If no one volunteers, the coach/facilitator can volunteer and ask for feedback from the group). *It would be ideal to recreate an exchange that took place between two of the participants. Have a conversation about it afterwards asking the participants for their insights.
- Work on the personal power statement. How has it changed since the last meeting?
- Recap the themes and highlights of the session.
Awareness Practice: Ideas to incorporate the practices discussed in Sessions One and Two:
1. Journal or think about steps you can take to be in control of our emotional; to be free of being in a state of reacting to others.
2. Discuss the personal power statements. How are they evolving? How they can be updated.
Session Three: Is it my turn to talk now?
Cultivating Awareness of Others.
Before the session begins have a brief discussion about the highlights of the previous sessions on Self Awareness and Personal Accountability then use that as a segue to this session on Cultivating Awareness of Others.
Judge a man by his questions, not by his answers. ~Voltaire
We’ve all experienced a conversation with someone who is thinking about their response while the other person is talking. People sometimes talk at someone, rather than having a conversation with them.
Communicating is an exchange – talking and listening; there is a visceral reaction when we know that someone listened to us. It creates a calmness, a feeling of “being heard”, of “being understood” and listening is a skill that can be learned.
Mirroring is a powerful exercise in improving communication. Introduce the concept of active listening/mirroring; listening to another person talk then repeat what you heard.
If you want others to listen and understand you better, think about what makes you want to listen. High on your list may be compliments, words of encouragement, expressions of support, appreciation, and love, unambiguous comments and questions, or invitations to do things we like. It’s easy to give orders, make demands, criticize for the sake of getting things done, but ow often do you offer an appreciative comment, compliment, or praise?4
Silence is powerful. When you think someone is finished talking take an extra minute before speaking. Taking the time to listen without interrupting can open the door to the most candor, revelatory, expressions of insight.
Before the talking begins have a few meditative moments and ask people to identify their intention for this time together.
Group Conversation. Focus the coaching on these questions/topics:
Ask the participants to discuss their experiences of truly listening and being listened to.
- What is the best way to make themselves understood?
- Discuss the role of empathy, compassion, and appreciation in communication.
- What is the best way to make ourselves understood?
Exercises:
- Practice Listening and Mirroring with the group. Ask someone in the group about their work or family. Listen: Consciously remove your opinions and judgments and focus your attention to whatthey are saying. Mirror: Paraphrasing or in your own words, tell the the person what you heard.
- Discuss the personal power statements. How are they evolving? How they can be updated.
- Recap the themes and highlights of the session.
Awareness Practice: Ideas to incorporate the practices discussed in this and previous Sessions:
- Practice listening, particularly to the regular daily conversations, (What time will you be home? What do you want for dinner? What do we need from the grocery store?). Pay attention to how the other person responds. Is there a subtle shift on their end?
- Journal about what you can do to better communicate your needs/desires so that you are better understood.
- Work on your personal power statement. Look at the beautiful and powerful parts of yourself and change it in any way that works for you
Session Four: The balance of Giving and Receiving Working together
Thank you & You’re welcome: Giving and Receiving
Before the session begins have a brief discussion about the highlights of the previous sessions on Self Awareness, Personal Accountability, and Cultivating Awareness of Others then use that as a segue to this session on Giving and Receiving.
The social value of giving has been recognized throughout human history. For thousands of years, some native cultures have engaged in the potlatch, a complex ceremony that celebrates extreme giving. Although cultural interpretations vary, often the status of a given family in a clan or village was dictated not by who had the most possessions, but instead by who gave away the most. The more lavish and bankrupting the potlatch, the more prestige gained by the host family.5
Within different cultures and religions giving is encouraged, lauded, even prized. The positive physical and psychological impact of giving is profound; it has been written about at length from the scholarly to the spiritual perspectives. We know that that “good” in giving extends beyond the recipients’ needs to the way the person giving feels. The virtues of giving are infused in spiritual and intellectual teachings that we have heard, in one form or another, throughout our lives.
It is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35, King James Bible
It is in giving that we receive. St. Francis of Assisi
The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving. Albert Einstein
It is better to give than receive- especially advice. Mark Twain
Whether we give spontaneously or after thought and planning, giving is unencumbered. We generally feel good in the process and after the gift has been given but better yet if the recipient was happy or grateful for the gift.