Efforts to squash negative emotions usually have short-term effectiveness. For some, this means moving into more severe tactics like drug and alcohol abuse, emotional eating, or a variety of other possible addictions to try and numb the discomfort. Besides the obvious health concerns this poses, it also means that we are numbing our pleasant emotions as well. We cannot selectively numb our emotions like selecting ripe and non-bruised fruit at the grocery store. If you’re numbing one, you’re numbing them all. Once again, we end up with the opposite of what we were after in the first place.7
Coaching Application
The first step to helping our clients experience the full spectrum of their emotions is to be comfortable with negative emotions ourselves. It will be hard to allow our client to sit with their emotions if it makes us want to change the subject. Jumping too quickly into a positive re-frame or labeling the client’s emotions as “good” or “bad” can definitely make the client believe that they need to be constantly happy, no matter what happens. It is a good practice for us to have our own coach to help us stay in touch with stories and judgments that might sneak into client sessions. With practice and awareness, we can help our clients reach a healthy level of positivity and also address the negative stuff that comes up.
Building a Positive Mindset
The following practices are meant to build the foundation for a positive outlook. Please note that the sample questions are simply guidelines, it’s important to dance with the client in the moment and to verbalize questions in a way that suits your style.
Help clients practice looking for “the good”
Many of us have spent our whole lives believing that some guy named Murphy was going to come and ruin everything for us. We are taught to look for mistakes, mishaps, and how we can fail. Unlearning this way of viewing the world will take practice.
Promote mindfulness
The practice of mindfulness brings our awareness into the present moment and puts us into the role of the observer of our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When you are practicing mindfulness you do so without judgement, without concern for the past or the future. It’s amazing how useful this is in creating a positive attitude.
Practicing gratitude
Looking for reasons to be thankful is different, maybe even more advanced, than looking for “the good”. It puts us in the mindset of recognizing how awesome our life actually is.
Approaching Negative Emotion
So how do we facilitate a process for our clients to explore their negative emotions while also encouraging a positive outlook and movement into the 3:1 positivity ratio? Below, I have outlined a process that I have found to be quite effective
1. Identification of Emotion
When the client first starts to feel negative emotions, they need to be given a voice. Allow the client to vent, observe the process without judgement, and listen closely to what is and is not being said.
2. Wisdom from the Emotion
As we know, emotions give us information about our world and beliefs. Use inquiry to support the client in digging deeper to find its wisdom.
3. The Reframe
How will the client get back to their positive outlook and get ready to move forward? This step is about re-framing and preparing.
4. Initiate Action
Now it’s time to get back in the game. Be wary of resistance that is hidden behind limiting beliefs or fears.
5. Celebrate
The negative emotions were used to create action and self-awareness within the client. That’s something to celebrate, yes?
We coaches have a very powerful opportunity to be driving forces in the positivity movement but we need to approach it holistically. By becoming aware of our own relationship with positivity and negative emotions, we will be better suited to help the client become genuinely positive human beings.
References
Positivity: Groundbreaking Research Reveals How to Embrace the Hidden Strength of Positive Emotions, Overcome Negativity, and Thrive, Barbara Frederickson
YOUR EMOTIONS AND You, Ilona Boniwell
What Positive Psychologists Won't Tell You About Negative Emotions, Robert Biswas-Diener
Emotions, Survival, and Disconnection by John Montgomery, Ph D in Psychology Today
TEDtalk: The Dark Side of Happiness - Jane Gruber
Let it Be: Accepting Negative Emotional Experiences Predicts Decreased Negative Affect and Depressive Symptoms, Amanda J. Shallcross, Allison S. Troy, Matthew Boland, Iris B. Mauss
The Gifts of Imperfection- Brene Brown, Ph. D., L.M.S.W.