This exercise of creating a list of “rights” was enlightening; it also worked as a great source of positive energy – I could hear the change in my client’s tone of voice when sharing the list. Moreover, Ana decided to print the list and use it as a structure to keep in mind whenever she feels she might go back to old reactions. As long as she assumes her decisions and she doesn’t give power over to her feelings to other people, she will keep a good self-esteem and behave assertively.
Though she developed certain structures to support her in practicing assertive behavior, Ana found it challenging to use them when stressed or involved in a conflict. I asked her what an assertive and mature person would do in such situation and we exercised few role plays where she had to construct new answers and come up with a strategy to manage the conflict.
She came up with 2 great points:
What about the difficulty of saying no when asked to do something that she doesn’t really want to do? Again we used role play and visualization to explore different scenarios – the outcome: she created this step by step process flow:
4.1. if “yes” – I simply give the answer and discuss the next steps
4.2. if compromise is a solution – negotiate terms
4.3. if “no” is my decision: I give the answer in an assertive manner, by addressing both the emotional and logical levels – e.g.: “I understand that this is important for you / I imagine how you feel, as I experienced that myself / I know where you come from…”. My strategy is to address emotional part first by showing empathy, and only after I will provide the logical reasons that prevent me from accepting the request (without excusing myself too much). Optionally, if the requestor is open to such input, I can offer alternatives to help them find a solution (I will do that with a sincere desire to help, not because I want to compensate the guilt of saying no). I will keep in mind it is my right to accept or deny!”
Creating action
We also used the visualization technique to project her in the future, when she is completely happy with her new behavior. How would she feel? What would she think? Is there anything still to prevent her from being assertive?
Questions:
Reflection to increase awareness
Ana kept a journal of her actions, challenges, successes and reflections in between our sessions. Step by step, she transitioned from reacting (like accepting a request immediately and then feeling sorry) towards constructing a conscious response (“I understand your request, give me some time to think it over and I will come back with a response” was the first step further).
Some of the key takeaways from the reflection process:
The case study presented above showcases how some of the CBT principles can be applied in a non-therapeutic way, within a coaching context – here are some of principles that were used to support the client improve assertiveness skills:
References
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/50-common-cognitive-distortions
http://www.citycbtcoaching.com/
“Improving individual performance through cognitive behavioral therapy”, Irina Holdevici, (Editura Lider, 2008; ISBN: 978-973-629-181-4)
To conclude, I appreciate this article as it offers a brief and simple explanation of what coaching is and what it is not. This is a well written “myth buster” paper I would recommend to anyone who is new to coaching.