WHAT IS SELF-LOVE?
Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics1, expresses true self-love as a pursuit of virtuous life filled with noble acts. Aristotle contrasts this concept of self-love against the reproachable “lover of self” that is depicted by
wanting a greater share of wealth, accolade and pleasure.
A person who truly lives in a manner of self-love is more likely to live by standards that would benefit himself and his neighbors. In my own personal journey, I have come to find that living virtuously towards one’s self could be likened to living fully aligned to one’s values and beliefs….taking the time to understand one’s self and living from that place of truth. It includes, but is definitely not limited t positive self-talk and self-encouragement.
It is bigger than “act it until you feel it”.
To live a life of self-love is to get up close and personal to who you are. This involves making a decision to love you and be your own best friend. Living a life of self-love obliges you to put in place any and all steps that would enable you to live more closely aligned to your true self every moment of every day.
Picture with me if you will, love like a tank. Self-love could be likened to measuring how full the tank is. Living aligned to the ‘true’ you could be a full and over-flowing tank. When your love tank is full, you are living a life that honors who you are and fully honors the person(s) you are in relationship with. This would mean that conflicts are faced and resolved with everyone coming out as a winner. You mercifully permit yourself to live in accordance with who you are and you also permit those around you to live in accordance with who they are.
Taking the time to get to know yourself is a genuine investment of your time and energy, particularly if you want to offer the best that you possess to the world in your personal and professional relationships. So, having considered the impact of having a full “love tank” on inter-personal relationships, let us consider the absence of self-love (an empty love tank), restricted selflove (half full love tank) and techniques for overcoming both scenarios.
EMPTY LOVE TANK
It is probable that you have never learned how to love yourself and this could be for a number of reasons. Have you ever learned to see yourself in a positive light? Could it be that those consistent or overwhelming feelings of inferiority, anger, guilt, helplessness, resentment and unhappiness are an indication that you are not loving yourself enough?
There may be a number of reasons your love tank is running on empty. I would like to focus on one aspect: have you identified what really brings you joy?
To find what brings you joy, it would be essential to take this a step further and explore who you are. Without knowing who you are, can you accurately articulate those things that bring you joy? So here are a few steps to finding your joy and eventually truly loving yourself.
Please note that it is advisable to do this first with the right support, with a coach for example.
Find your values
Consider how your family, friends and colleagues describe you. What do they typically say? Are you adventurous, kind, resilient, adaptable, risk-taking? The words that people use to describe you, when reviewed from a positive perspective and if filled with energy and lightness; these things about you that are so effortless that you do not pay very much attention to – these may be indicators of your values. You could use your values as the foundation or cornerstones upon and within which you build your magnificent life. Let us pause for a moment and consider the positive energy that comes with knowing that there is something truly magnificent about you. How does that feel?
Find your emotions
Give voice to the negative emotions you have been feeling. Speak these emotions out loud and honor them. Running and hiding from how you are really feeling is destructive to you and by extension, to the people you are in relationship with. When that is done, identify the positive emotions you want. For example, happy for sad; content for resentful, peace for anger.Choose to practise the emotions you have chosen in a safe place, again with your coach.
Get responsible
Now that you have spent some time focusing on your thoughts and feelings, it is time to come face to face with your behavior. Are you willing to mercifully accept you choose to behave in whichever way you do? Agreed, your behavior stems from some belief either consciously held or unconsciously learned, yet, nobody ‘makes’ you behave in any particular way.
There is no condemnation, no right or wrong, simply facts as they stand right in this moment.
It is worth pointing out that your behavior up until this point does not define who you will be tomorrow or in your future. It is your choice that defines you. In this journey towards healthy loving relationships (personal and professional), it will be a matter of choice. Who do you want to be in this moment? What choices could you make that would enable you to be this person in this moment?
Get active
Create a space where there is no right or wrong. I call this space “the no judgement space”. Some may refer to it as the coaching space. In this space, review the values you have discovered; and the emotions you have honored; and the behaviors you have taken responsibility for. Can you see an alignment between what is true about you (your values), what you have felt about yourself (emotions), and how well you have related with yourself (your behaviors)? If you see a misalignment, the “no judgement” space becomes even more critical for the last thing that is needed is you piling on more guilt upon yourself for being out of alignment.
Be comforted by this truth – becoming aware is half the battle won. When you have clarity about what is really going on, you can choose to take steps that address the issue.