It is an interesting fact that from birth to four, babies’ brains operate in the delta state with brain waves running below four cycles per second and with zero number of repetitions to require new behavior. In adults, that would be equivalent to a very deep sleep state. From the age of four to the age of seven, children operate in theta state, with brain waves running between four and seven cycles per second. In an adult brain, that would be a state of light sleep and the state of fear elicited during a fight-or-flight response. In this state, we only need one or two experiences of learning to affect behavior. From the ages seven to fourteen, the brain is in the alpha state of seven to fourteen cycles per second and learning occurs after about 21 repetitions. After age 14, the brain operates in the beta state, which is 14 – 21 cycles per second. This state is equivalent to our normal waking and alert state of consciousness, and it can take many thousands of repetitions to learn a new behavior. Collectively, what this means is until the age of 14 the brain is highly malleable and suggestible to information and ideas. In other words, children are highly receptive to absorbing the messages they receive. Then, through a process called introjection, a child’s growing psyche internalizes the messages and instructions they have received, and it becomes their own thoughts, their own inner voice and their own inner citric. Instead of being wary of other’s disapproval, they become wary of their own.
Parenting expert Peggy O’Mara says,
Be careful what you say to your child because it becomes their inner voice.
This is absolutely true. Even the most well-meaning parents pass on their own definitions of success, love, creativity and self-expression. Even the most conscious parents have their own expectations and imperatives that are passed along to their children. We all want and need connection and acceptance. There is no family system; there is no system, that doesn’t have a “right” or “wrong” way of doing things. Thus the inner critic is born.
The biggest obstacle to change is the voice that tells you it’s impossible
Geneen Roth
The good, the bad, and the ugly
Like Jiminy Cricket in the story Pinocchio, the inner critic has value as a moral compass, but it can also have a darker side.
We live our lives following instructions from people in our history that we wouldn’t ask for street directions today. Geneen Roth
The inner critic was founded with the intention of creating a sense of safety and security, and it certainly does this. Over time, however, it has the ability to keep us from expressing who we really are. The instructions we got when we were 4, 7 or 11 are not likely the instructions we require at 20, 30 or 45. Ironically, the connection and acceptance the inner critic was founded on actually keeps us from truly finding it. Critical thoughts like, “What’s wrong with you?” or “You’re not good enough,” have the capacity to paralyze us in our tracks. Intense feelings of shame keep us hidden and alone with the message, “I am so flawed I cannot, should not, or do not deserve connection with others, myself or life”. Shame and its ragtag posse of criticism, blame and denial make us want to withdraw or isolate and can trigger avoidance or necessitate coping behaviors like codependency. The inner critic’s intention is to keep us in the status quo – the familiar- even if that is familiar pain. It can often keep us from moving forward, from making changes, from really connecting with others, from speaking up, from receiving help and from embracing authenticity.