One evening Kishore returned home after a tough day at work and found Radha feeling very tired and sick. She grudgingly and angrily asked Kishore to help her with the laundry and dishes. This irritated and angered him and he refused to do anything to help her. They ended up having a heated argument leading to venomous exchange of dialogues. It turned so bad that Radha packed her stuff and marched out to her parents’ home. Anger spewed venom at both of them and ruined a beautiful relationship. Radha narrated the entire incident to her parents. She was fuming and hurting.They listened quietly and carefully showing empathy and love. Her father called Kishore and listened intently to his side of the story. Kishore too was very hurt and the parents understood how anger had engulfed their loving relationship.Radha’s mother encouraged her to see a Life Coach.Radha’s coach provided a confidential space and established her current mentaland emotional being through the tools of Powerful Questions, Values Finder,Strengths Finder, Empathetic Listening and Silence. Thereafter he started careful probing and exploring about Radha’s relationship with her husband. The coach encouraged and created self-awareness in Radha. During the coaching sessions the coach used the tool of Perceptual Positioning. He moved Radha through the following steps:
- Radha describe what happened and why it happened?
- Radha take another chair and visualize yourself as Kishore. Kishore describe what happened and why it happened?
- Get up from this chair and take another chair. Now just observe the whole situation through an observer’s eyes. Tell me what happened and why it happened?
Radha was made to view the situation through her own perspective, through Kishore’s perspective, and then through the eyes of an observer. The Perceptual Positioning helped her to understand how anger had negatively overpowered her mental and emotional intelligence. Radha found a complete shift in her mental and emotional perspective. She felt relaxed and at peace with Kishore and herself. She realized that forgiveness was a boon and nurturing angst would be a bane ruining her relationship with Kishore.
Radha went back home to Kishore and apologized for her angry outbursts. Kishore hugged her and apologized for his behavior too. Both felt blessed at choosing forgiveness over anger. The couple realized that pointing fingers and placing blame through angry outbursts nearly ruined their marriage. The above case study tells us how forgiveness is all powerful and anger is all disempowering. Choosing forgiveness over anger is the key to success, happiness and peace.
Forgiveness = Freedom + Empowerment + Happiness
Anger = Loss of Freedom + Disempowerment + Unhappiness
Self-Application:
Forgiving others, and ourselves, does not mean that we approve of whatever has happened. Forgiveness is self-focused and has nothing to do with others. When we forgive someone, we free ourselves from the burden of anger. When we decide to forgive we generate new possibilities in our life. Self-forgiveness makes one feel worthy of love, happiness and joy. It discourages self-criticism and encourages feelings of worthiness. It causes realization that there is nothing right or wrong in feeling vulnerable. One must hold a positive vision for self. This gives options to move on in life. It is all about choices. Choose to forgive yourself and then move forward and let go of your past. Live in the present moment and enjoy the journey of life itself. Forgiveness is an antidote for anger and a key to solving several problems of life such as hurt feelings, guilt, depression, marriage, child rearing, and divorce.
When we accept forgiveness we become calm, restful and selfless. A new awakening happens and we realize the beauty of forgiveness. We feel enthusiastic, energetic, supportive, motivated and committed towards ourselves and others. By choosing forgiveness we let go of anger. We get the remote of power to change the very path of our life. There is no need for anger as you have the power now to act in peace with yourself and with the universe.
Reflections:
- What are certain events and situations that make you feel irritated and angry?
- How will it make you feel if you chose forgiveness over anger?
- What are the reasons you can attribute to irritating you into fits of rage?
- Why do you think we need to forgive our self and others?
Coaching Application:
It is highly imperative for the coach to be aware of his or her emotional state before entering a coaching relationship. A coach should never enter a coaching relationship while nurturing angst and hurt for self or others who might be the cause of it all.
There are many techniques that a coach can use to help a client choose forgiveness over anger.
Reflections:
- As a coach, how will you choose forgiveness over anger in a coaching relationship?
- What are some questions you could ask your client to shift their perspective from anger and hatred to forgiveness and love?
References:
Novaco, R. W. Anger control: The development and evaluation of an
experimental treatment. Lexington,Mass.: Lexington Books, D. C. Heath, 1975.
G DeFoore: Anger Among Angels: Shedding Light on the Darkness of the
Human Soul, Health Communications, Inc., 2000.
Dr. David Hawkins: “Power vs. Force – The Hidden Determinants of Human
Behavior” (Hawkins, 2002).