Self Application:
The first step to making this kind of deeper decision is to drop the focus on making a decision. Sometimes the thing we think we have to decide is not even that relevant once we start to really reflect on our situation. For example, we might find ourselves obsessing over the right way to find a partner, but upon further reflection, realise that we have not yet properly answered the question of what type of partner we want, or if it is in fact something else we want, that we think we will get through a partner, such as greater social connection or adventure. We can spend a lot of energy and feel very tense, trying to answer the question of “what should I do?” rather than allowing the decision to naturally arise out of the clarity of comprehensive reflection.
The first step is to stop, take stock, and ask three questions:
1) What is happening right now?
2) What do I feel about it?
3) What do I want?
The degree to which we can be honest in our answer to these three questions determines the level of our clarity, and hence our ability to make a decision with true certainty. In some cases, there will be benefit in expanding on these, by exploring beliefs and reasons, as in why we feel what we are feeling, why we want what we want, and our answers may change as we probe deeper and ask the questions again on the basis of deeper reflection. Sometimes the straightforward addressing of the three questions is adequate.
Our clarity will be enhanced by the strength of our ability to self-observe and our sensitivity to our own sensations. This kind of ability is greatly enhanced by self-reflective processes such as meditation, and simply learning to spend time with our feelings without judgement. With practise, we will be able to recognise the truth of our answer to ‘what do I want?’ by the sensation the answer produces in our body. When we have found a true response, we will feel relaxed, resolute, powerful, engaged and calm.
Through this process we must allow ourselves to be as vulnerable as we can, and we can accept (and ultimately even enjoy) the feeling of vulnerability by understanding and remembering its necessity. The more vulnerable we can be, the more connected we can get with what we truly want, and therefore the more we are able to find deeper happiness and fulfilment.
Often, when we answer these three questions well, the answer to the next question is straightforward:
4) What do I need to do to get what I want?
Of course depending on the complexity of the issue and decision, this may require a fair amount of teasing out and support. This is where planning, structures, goal setting then all come into play.
Coaching Application:
Clients will often come to us looking for support in answering the fourth question. As coaches, in supporting the client toward their greatest fulfilment, it is our responsibility to check that the first three questions have been answered well and if not, then to support the client in finding clear and complete answers to these questions first. Only then supporting them with the fourth question through such things as action plans, structures and accountability. Gaining a broad scope on the answer to these questions may involve such things as allowing the client to tell their story, encouraging self-reflective practises such as journalling and meditation, using assessments and tools for determining strengths, values and passions. Another method for gaining better clarity into the first three questions might be the use of the ‘5 whys’ and finding the goal behind the goal. This involves simply asking why they have chosen the reason for taking their current course of action, and then whatever they give as the reason for that, asking the reason for that and so on until some deeper desire or goal is identified.
Reflection:
- Take a moment to consider something you are currently trying to make a decision about. Find a quiet place alone, close your eyes, and slowly, gently ask yourself the three questions, spending time with each until you have a full answer. What did you learn from the process?
- Consider some of the decisions you have made that you find hard to commit to and follow through on consistently. Have you given adequate consideration to the three questions mentioned in self application?
- How do you support your clients in place of uncertainty and vulnerability? How do you enable them to relax into that place and get a complete and true appraisal of their situation?
- How would you encourage deeper and broader reflection in a client who is rushing at achieving a goal that does not seem to be aligned with their values?
- How do you identify a truth response in your clients? What are the indicators to you that your client has gotten greater clarity with regard to their situation? What are the indicators that they are better positioned to get what they really want?