A Coaching Power Tool By Jen Harris, Bias Coach, UNITED KINGDOM
Shame vs. Guilt: ICA Flipit Methodology
In this article, I will utilise the ICA Flipit methodology to explore an alternative perspective to the universally held feeling of guilt. The FlipIt process is a 4-step process for resetting our lens and adopting a fresh way of ‘seeing the world’. Within the steps, your current perspective is brought to the surface before you are invited to flip this to an alternative, more empowering, perspective. Here I will explore the feeling of guilt and suggest an alternative perspective.
As I expand my coaching experience and work with more wonderful humans, I notice a devilish recurring theme: the feeling of guilt.
When I began this article, I held a curious hostility towards guilt; viewing this as a destructive emotion seeming only to bind someone to negative thought patterns, holding them back from their goals and dreams. I saw guilt as an emotion to be ‘flipped’.
Although I hold firm that the lens of guilt benefits from being replaced, as I develop my own awareness and education, I also welcome the beauty in emotion. Like all human emotions which have an intricate purpose behind them, guilt in this aspect is no different.
What Is Guilt?
Guilt can be defined as “the unhappy feelings caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something wrong” (Oxford Dictionary, 2023)[1]. Whilst this is arguably a simplistic definition from the Oxford Dictionary, it touches upon the essence of concern for coach and client; How is that feeling serving your objective(s)?
When we as humans commit what we deem a breach of our moral standards, guilt rises to the surface. Guilt can show its face in limitless forms; the guilt of not exercising, of not being there for someone, of quitting, of not living up to (real or imagined) expectations. Experiencing these burdensome thoughts can make us feel locked in a box. As if we are looking out at the free whilst we are chained to the misery of the guilt, blaming ourselves for the cause of the suffering.
What Is the Purpose of Guilt?
If we have done something that has factually caused detriment to ourselves and/or others (legitimate guilt), guilt can serve as a warning that we are misaligned and need to readjust for different choices next time. It can lead to targeted action that can identify and correct specific social offences (Cynthia E. Cryder, 2012)[2] and can inspire positive change in motivation and behaviour, even in the context of racial prejudice (David M. Amodio, 2016)[3].
Guilt in this case then becomes an important self-regulatory emotion that allows reflection and inspires empathy and responsibility (Tangney, 2002)[4], which in turn leads to positive action.
What about when you are not at fault; the unwarranted guilt? This is the feeling of guilt that arises when you have not actually done anything wrong. You might be taking on guilt for something that is outside of your control and/or outside of your intentions. This can still act as an opportunity and guide for growth with the same negative impacts if left unexplored but with very different origins.
Ultimately, whether legitimate or unwarranted, when we hold on to guilt unnecessarily, exhausting an event and putting ourselves in the stocks to be punished, the burden of guilt becomes tiresome and draining. It can hold us back from our goals and deny us opportunities to move forward, by avoiding situations, people, and advancement. This drain can even cause out-of-character behaviour, potentially causing further damage to our social connections; the very thing the guilt could be centred on in the first place.
In short, when we cling to guilt and do not accept this as an opportunity for growth, we can rob the victim (ourselves or others) of recognition, and hold ourselves back from exploring improved decisions, outcomes, and behaviour next time.
Are We Looking at Shame vs. Guilt?
There is a tenuous difference between guilt and shame. As explained by Jane Tangney, PhD, shame is linked to the sense of self; “I am a bad person”, guilt on the other hand is about a situation; “I did a bad thing” (Tangney, 2002)4. This origin leads to differences in behaviour; guilt around a behaviour but not shame about themselves, means people are able to admit, express, apologise and try to repair, whilst shame triggers worthlessness and powerlessness, it fosters blame, and removes the desire to make things better. As Jane goes on to discuss in her book, aptly named; “Shame and Guilt”, she explains that both emotions have a profound impact on our behaviour and our thoughts towards ourselves (although shame has been linked to more disruptive interpersonal behaviours, such as blaming others, and harbouring bitter, resentful feelings that express themselves in hostility and lack of empathy).
It is important to note that cultural differences in the way shame and guilt are perceived and the subsequent impact they have on social behaviour should always be considered (Jessica L. Tracy, 2007)[5]. This is to say, that each person’s view of guilt and shame will be different, and each client is treated as an individual with their own unique history and worldview.
Coaching Guilt
Within my coaching practice, it is essential I look for these patterns to discern guilt in an action, and shame on oneself.
My duty is to hold space for my clients to establish the presence and impact of such ‘moral emotions’. As unearthing feelings of shame and guilt helps to dispel the hold, this is the gift we can open in the coaching relationship.
I will endeavour to support my clients, understand what the emotion is trying to tell them (what you are trying to tell yourself), excavate any valuable lessons, and let go of the rest.
An ICA FlipIt Application
My proposition is that to release oneself from guilt is to forgive. Synonymous with acceptance. Perhaps a lapse in moral standing was the true lived experience, and perhaps not, but in either case, we can flip the negative perspective to one of strength. We can channel forgiveness to break free from the negative spiral and be proud that we care, appreciate a moment for growth, and forgive the error.
Applying this to the 4-step FlipItprocess would result in the following:
- Step one | Identify an issue or challenge.
- Step two: Feel it | Work out the feeling(s) surrounding the issue.
- Step three: Frame it | Choose one of the ICA Power Tools cards to identify your current perspective. In relation to this article, the card I propose to include; Guilt.
- Step four: Flip it | “Flip” your Power Tools card to reveal the corresponding ‘positive’ perspective. In this step, the “Forgiveness” card would be shown. What does the issue look like if we apply the essence of forgiveness rather than the essence of guilt?
Guilt Presence
The presence of guilt has an admirable purpose; fundamentally to act as a warning for change. How we view and interact with this emotion can have long-lasting negative impacts and prevent us from living our deepest aspirations. To flip the script from guilt to forgiveness is to enable you to observe the lesson(s) and continue to advance.
You are the author of your reality. You have the power to choose your lens, decide if you live in the guilt, shed this, and bathe in forgiveness.
References
[1] https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/guilt_1?q=guilt
[2] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4886498/
[3] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01933.x?journalCode=pssa
[4] Shame and Guilt, Jane Tangney, 2002
[5] https://books.google.nl/books