Self-Love vs. Self-Destruction

A Coaching Power Tool By Alana Moor, Mindset Coach, CANADA

Self-Love vs. Self-Destruction From the Environment

Oftentimes, we are waiting for a certain outside influence or circumstance to create the perfect environment for us to take action towards changes we want to make. The belief is that the correct environment will be the catalyst for choosing to change. The reality is, no one is coming and wherever you go, there you are. The change comes from action within ourselves, not from the environment in which we find ourselves.

For most of society, self-destruction has become a habit and a comfortable coping mechanism during times of stress. This is because it is believed that we should be ready to cope with the worst-case scenario rather than a miraculous outcome.

Self-destruction is defined as “behavior that causes serious harm to oneself.”

It limits our beliefs in ourselves and others. We lose the ability to reach our full potential. But what is our full potential? Have we even taken the time to truly understand the power we have over the outcome of our lives? Or do we continue to choose self-destruction as an outlet for coping with life? This continued behavior often becomes a habit, making it seem like the easier decision and we end up feeling stuck.

In an article written by https://www.healthline.com, self-destruction is defined as a more subconscious behavior that most of us don’t even realize we are doing.

Examples of this are:

• Being self-derogatory, insisting you’re not smart, capable, or attractive enough
• Changing yourself to please others
• Clinging to someone who is not interested in you
• Engaging in alienating or aggressive behavior that pushes people away
• Maladaptive behaviors, such as chronic avoidance, procrastination, and passive-aggressiveness
• Wallowing in self-pity

This is an incredibly limiting way to live. The more we invest in these behaviors, the more closed off we become. During a coaching session, a coach can ask direct and powerful questions to help the client better understand why they continue to participate in this way of thinking. They are then able to dive even deeper to help the client begin to unpack where these beliefs stem from.

A coach may ask;

1. How is self-destruction serving you?
2. How has it impacted your life thus far?
3. What would you shift in your life if self-destruction no longer existed?
4. What does self-destruction mean to you?
5. What do you tell yourself every time you choose self-destruction?
6. What comes up for you when you think about moving away from this limiting belief?
7. What are the consequences of self-destruction in your life?
8. Who else in your life lives in self-destructive behavior?
9. Where might this belief and behavior have started?
10. When was the first moment you can recall acting on self-destructive responses?
11. What would happen if you began to demonstrate self-love to yourself?
12. How would your life improve if you introduced more self-love?
13. What does self-destruction mean to you?
14. What does self-love mean to you?
15. What could you gain with more self-love?
16. Where are three areas of your life where you could make more of a personal effort?

Self-Love Is a Tricky Concept

In an article written by https://www.healthymepa.com, it talks about the three ways in which we self-love

• Physical—refers to how you see yourself
• Mental—refers to how you think of yourself (self-acceptance)
• Psychological—refers to how you treat yourself (self-respect)

For self-love to manifest, you must make yourself a priority. Developing self-love takes time, so you must practice it daily. Here are four benefits of self-love:

Acquire life satisfaction
Develop a healthy lifestyle 
Learn to deal with adversity
Develop healthy self-esteem

Self-love is defined as “Regard for one’s well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).” We have been conditioned to believe that self-love is often a selfish behavior. This definition states the opposite.  So why is something so desired and so obviously beneficial such a difficult decision?

The human race has created an environment where self-destruction has become the “easier” option and self-love seems unattainable and difficult to achieve. It almost feels normal to conclude that negativity is the achievable outcome of various life situations. That being said, both love and destruction are action words. It takes effort, dedication, and sacrifice to achieve either.

Why do we choose self-destruction over self-love and what structures can we begin to put in place to shift that perspective?

We are responsible for our destiny. The energy and effort that we put behind each life situation determine the eb and flow of our present and future. We have that choice. And often we forget that we are responsible for the perspective that we place behind each situation.

A coach has now noticed a limiting belief and the client has explored and come to an understanding around it. The coach now has the opportunity to invite the client to understand the shift that may need to happen to switch this limiting belief into an empowering one. This allows the client to come to their realizations and possibly decide that the two are equally powerful and one provides more benefit in achieving the goals they have set for that coaching session.

Some questions a coach may ask:

1. What is holding you back from self-love?
2. What would happen if you began to demonstrate self-love to yourself?
3. How would your life improve if you introduced more self-love?
4. What does self-love mean to you?
5. What could you gain with more self-love?
6. What does self-love look like?
7. Who in your life demonstrated strong self-love?
8. Where might self-love take you?
9. What is the first step in choosing self-love?
10. Where are three areas of your life where you could use more self-love?
11. What could you put in place to help you choose self-love?

Create a Strategy for Self-Love vs. Self-Destruction

Once a coach and the client have established where the client would like to go, they can create a plan of action. The goal is to turn the action of self-love into a habit rather than a one-time decision.

Both self-love and self-destruction take energy and effort to achieve. We have practiced one more than the other thus making it feel “easier” to attain. By asking our clients powerful questions we can help them move into a more consistent habit of choosing and practicing self-love in times of stress.