Rejection vs. Connection

A Coaching Power Tool By Ufuk Mahmutyazicioglu, Life Coach, SWITZERLAND

Facilitating Growth Mindset Rejection vs. Connection

Vulnerability is the birth place of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. Brenè Brown

We all have a sense of ourselves and we tend to be attached to that sense that gives us security and belonging. Think of a boat anchored in the sea. Our values, beliefs, and biases are similar to the anchor that is keeping safe the boat in the sea. They give us a position to identify ourselves. Our vision of the world and self is created by where we position ourselves. Marcia Reynolds writes in her book coach the person, not the problem’ our brains are like a box and the frame of the box thickened with the years to protect our stories. She says our frames keep us safe and stuck. According to her, the frame is our identity and reality. She says we all have a frame, I believe we need and search for that frame or that position to fix us, to differentiate us from others, to feel in a safe place… In time we forget about how we arrived at that position and what we are capable of. If we can pull the rope and move on or not…

The most significant awareness of my coaching journey has been discovering this possibility. I am the boat, not the anchor or where the boat is right now. I can re-create my identity for a more satisfying life. I can work on my values, character, biases, and beliefs…

What was standing in front of me for not seeing that possibility? Is it possible that I even did not want to see that?

In my not completely satisfied life I was ok with the security of knowing where I was standing. Not knowing is scary for many of us even if the shift can be very small.

Now I know, that fixing myself to a certain position strictly was not helping me to be happier. I had created principles to follow and most of the people or situations going out of these principles were not accepted completely by me. I had high standards and expectations from myself and others. I was judging myself seriously if I could not reach my standards.

My relationship with my values was very strong and I was very proud of myself. I was justifying my failures with my very high values that are not fitting the world where I live. So I could say myself I am a special person the problem is that I was born in a society that has not completed its evolution. In my profound probably I knew that something was not really right.

Rejection vs. Connection Definition

I named this perspective rejection.  In the Oxford dictionary, Rejection has defined: as the act of not accepting, believing, or considering something 

Rejection was a kind of defense mechanism that was protecting me from the delusion of myself. My position in life and my work were not satisfying me and I was finding excuses to protect myself. I needed to prove to myself that I was on the right side. I was denying my past, my life, and my reality. I was trying to save my self-esteem.

What helped me to go further?

The magic word is CONNECTION

The magic tool to discover CONNECTION is COACHING.

Thanks to coaching first I started to connect to myself.

What Is the Meaning of Connection to Me?

In coaching, while you listen to your story, again and again, you start to look at your whole being from the outside. You discover and identify your emotions, reactions, and your convictions. You begin to accept first your human being, your vulnerability. You start to feel compassion. Feeling compassion, and accepting your vulnerability like all other beings in the world creates a relationship of harmony between inside and outside which I call Connection. You perceive yourself as a part of a whole.

Being part of a whole is empowering. When the intention is not searching for what separates you from the others but searching for what connects you to the whole, you find yourself in positive thinking.

Connecting with your inside and outside permits you to tolerate your and others’ mistakes more easily, to have compassion, to desire to recreate/rebirth your self-esteem and love, to be open to learning, to grow, and move forward.

How many of us are not satisfied with our lives or with some situations? How many of us instead of searching for a new way of being and moving towards the unknown in order to be happier prefer to be fixed in a position and start to reject reality?

This power tool may help those who like me have difficulty confronting their reality, adapting themselves to their environment, accepting themselves and others, and searching for a demon where their expectations are not satisfied.  May help people to see their vulnerability and accept it.

Discover Rejection vs. Connection

I will use my coaching model which I called Spiral Growth of Intent to explain how it is possible to discover and shift your perspective from Rejection to Connection.

First, the requisite for the process is having an intention. The intention of the person is to collaborate, to know more, to understand more about his/her situation, and to apply what he/ she has learned and created to real life.

It is a non-ending learning process that starts a new cycle of learning with a new discovery and repeats by making you grow in your journey… Trust in the process is fundamental and self-love will grow in time more and more…

Discover:

Searching for the words, behaviors, beliefs, values, and emotions, and listening to the stories will make clear relationships between each of those elements. In the end, you will discover the perspective which is showing up.

How Does the Perspective of  Rejection Show up Itself?

With;

• A fake and fragile sense of worthiness.
• The necessity of continuously proving that you are right.
• Poles like black and white, always or never, all or nothing, right or wrong
• Exclusion
• Fear of change
• Nonrealistic high standards and expectations
• Rules and principles
• Judgments
• Fear of judgment
• Poorcompassion
• The limited angle of view
• Fear of unknown
• Rigidity

Identify:

Once you discovered the series of behaviors, beliefs, values, and emotions related to each other give the perspective a name starting to identify it more profoundly. You will define in this step the influence and the roots of your existing perspective, where you want to go, and how you will do it.

Some possible questions to use at this step;

• What are the positive and negative parts of living from this perspective?
• Which social and individual needs are lying behind rejection?
• Which emotions would you like to feel instead?
• How do you desire to show up?
• Which name you could give to a perspective on these new elements?
• How do you need to support yourself?
• What could be possible in a world where failure or success does not define you?
• What could change in your life if you did not choose to reject it?
• What can obstacle you to go further?
• What can help/support you to go further?

Create:

Create a new vision of self with all the elements you identified in the previous step.

Creating a new vision of self will help you to apply what you learned in real life…

How Would You Like to See Yourself From the Perspective of Connection?

I wanted to see myself;

The perspective of Rejection vs. Connection

a fake and fragile sense of worthiness	With a real sense of worthiness
the necessity of continuous proving that you are right	Accepting that I can make mistakes
the poles like black and whites, always or never, all or nothing, right or wrong	Like a rainbow where I can taste and see all colors of human beings and permit myself to dress in all of those colors. Living the fun and humor
exclusion	Inclusive
fear of change	Curious to discover
Nonrealistic high standards and expectations	In case my standards and expectations are not in alignment with my ability and context being compassionate with myself and accepting myself
rules and principles	Deciding here and now what is necessary
judgments	Aware and released
Fear of judgment	Self-loving
Poorcompassion	Compassionate with myself and others
The limited angle of view	Open minded
Fear of unknown	Being in here and now by concentrating on the step I make
Rigidity	Flexible

Each subject on this table (like rigidity, or fear of change.. )  can be a topic of a single session. My model is usable both for the process and for the session.

Apply:

Apply your vision and your learnings to every single situation of your life. It means choosing how you would like to show up here and now again and again…By doing this probably you will discover new topics to work on each time you are in action. The process will continue as much as you continue to grow.

The Perspective of Rejection vs. Connection

While I am writing this power tool I comprehend more profoundly behind the perspective of rejection there is a lack of self-love and self-esteem. I realize the relationship between someone’s mindset and self-love. How we are interpreting situations influences how we feel about ourselves.

Practicing coaching naturally guides us towards a growth mindset. Coaching is a real tool to experience connection. Having a perspective of connection can support us to be open to change and to be desireful to affront our reality, being able to deal with our emotions.

I am infinitely grateful for my coaching journey.