Joe a shy quiet man held poor self esteem. His coach explored the underlying reasons. While there were many reasons, here is an example of one of them. Joe believed that his communication was very poor and robbed him of his confidence when he was with people. Sam his good friend was great at making conversations and holding attention either in the workplace or outside. Joe wanted to be like Sam. The image of his Ideal self in this area was based on Sam, who drew people to him with ease. Joe made various attempts to copy Sam’s style but his discomfort showed and his poor attempts at humor turned people away, making him feel worse.
Joe’s coach helped him to see that his self loathing had blocked him from seeing his strengths and valuing what he had rather than focusing on what he did not have. He was a sensitive, empathetic human being and above all he was a great listener (a strength that had given him the tag of being the problem solver at work because he got all the details and facts right!). Joe’s came to understand that listening skills were a very important part of communication and he needed to build on this strength.
At the next social gathering Joe put into practice a tip on good conversation skills by asking an acquaintance a simple question ‘tell me about yourself” and listened sincerely and empathetically. He ended having a one hour conversation in which he Ideal Self vs Real Self listened more than he spoke and made a friend! Joe had discovered that people love to talk about themselves and feel valued when listened to. He used his strengths and made people feel good. Needless to say Joe was no longer turning people away! He was authentic and hence comfortable and his belief in his own self grew.
When you strive to reach your ‘Ideal’ state you are constantly reaching out for something, but when you develop yourself you expand and grow.
Self Application
Valuing your Real self
Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you’re worthy of the trip
Check in right now to see how you feel about yourself. On a scale of 1-10 (with one being the lowest and ten being the highest) how much do you:
What do your scores tell you? Are there any surprises? Would you like to move up on the scale. If yes then think through what need to do. Perhaps you need to show more compassion by forgiving yourself for your mistakes or you may need to sit quietly and deeply listen to what your heart is saying to you.
People who do not hold any value or worth for their real selves tends to dismiss their inner wisdom and inner voice. Sadly people lacking self worth can be critical of themselves, in-spite of their talents, skills and achievements. Accepting ourselves with compassion and self love, embracing our strengths, weaknesses, failures and even our quirks and oddities give us a strong foundation for further development and growth.
Think of your ‘’Self’ as a good friend. A good friend supports you and encourages you. Laugh with it, play with it, lighten up and have fun.
Letting go of the image of the ‘Ideal’ self
Some of us may hold on to an image of what our Idealised self should be: rich,smart, successful, beautiful, thin, having a great job etc. We think we will be happy when we become these things. If we don’t achieve any of these we are not yet happy!
Check in and see if you are holding an idealized image of yourself in any area. Think of how long you have been pursuing it? How do you feel when you think of this image? What emotions does it trigger?
If the feelings are not positive, then it’s time to take a good look at this picture. Ask yourself what is this picture based on? Is it a belief, expectations, or anything else? Ask yourself how realistic is it? Which part of it is achievable and within your control. Who would you be without your belief? Who would you be if you free yourself from the loops of other people’s expectations?
Letting go is a painful process. It takes a great deal of courage to let go of an identity which is based on other people’s expectations. But carrying others expectation is like carrying a heavy suitcase. It slows you down and in the end you tire out. If you throw the suitcase away, you walk lighter, free and tall.
Coaching Application
Clients who start sentences with I wish I was, I wish I could be or I just don’t seem………… are indicating their dissatisfaction with their self. If a client is holding on to an Ideal self image then a coach can help them to understand where this need is coming from and secondly what is the impact on the client. Shifting the client’s perspective to what serves them, plays an important role for the coach.
Explore fears – Very often we fear that if we do not be or become what our family and other people desire of us, we will disappoint them and thereby loose our value. Coaches help clients to explore their fears and reframe perspectives by relabeling their thoughts and revaluing themselves.
Underlying Beliefs – For some clients beliefs about who they should be in order to be successful push them to become who they are not, thus leading to conflict. Exploring the beliefs, their impact and helping the client to understand who he or she is without the beliefs, will help a client to let go of what is not serving them. A simple but powerful question is: Who are you beyond your physical self and external identity?
Constructive change: When a client expresses a desire to change a particular aspect of their self, a coach can help them to do this constructively by focusing on and utilizing their strengths.
Acknowledging and valuing the real self: Coaches can support the client, to explore who they truly are and what feels authentic for them.
A values and life purpose exercise helps a client to understand their selves better and identify what is important in their journey. In addition identifying their strengths and talents increases the clients self value.