Recognize Shame

The first step in moving from shame to worthiness is being able to identify and recognize shame when you’re feeling it. Take some time to think about the answers to these questions:

It’s helpful to be aware of your shame triggers, or things that are most likely to elicit feelings of shame. Unwanted identities are common shame triggers. To get at shame triggers, figure out how you want to be perceived around a specific identity. For example, with regard to motherhood, one might want to be perceived as calm, knowledgeable, and educated, and not perceived as overwhelmed, stressed out, and unable to balance career and mothering. When we write these down and look at them, we understand the perceptions that make us vulnerable to shame. We can’t avoid shame, but if we know where we’re vulnerable, we can more easily recognize it and deal with it. To discover unwanted identities and shame triggers, figure out how you want to be perceived and how you don’t want to be perceived.

Ideal and Unwanted Identities

Select one of the twelve shame categories listed above. Then think of and list two to three ideal identifies and two to three unwanted identities. This exercise is based a worksheet created by Brene Brown (2010).

Ideal Identities:

Unwanted Identities

Then ask these questions:

These desired and undesired identities give us little room to be human, to be our imperfect selves. Ask yourself,

If people reduce me to this list, what important and wonderful things will they miss about me?

Your unwanted identities dictate your behavior every day. It’s worth it to figure them out and get real about them. Often, you’ll see that the perceptions you want to have and want to avoid are totally unrealistic. Understanding your unwanted identities also helps you see that if another person reduces you to this bad list of things, they will miss the truth of who you are. Looking at the motherhood example, if someone reduces you to

stressed out, overwhelmed, and unable to get your act together,

they’ll miss the fact that you are working diligently, care deeply about your kids, and so forth.

Four Steps to Worthiness

Once you’re aware that you’ve been triggered and are feeling shame, follow the four steps below to regain connection and inner balance.

1. Experience the effects shame has on your body.

2. Remind yourself that it is valuable to get in touch with your feelings and needs. Do not do anything to avoid or numb the shame.
3. Remember that you need support and that you will benefit from sharing how you feel with another human being.
4. Get in touch with someone you know can listen and tell him or her what you are ashamed of.

Self-Compassion

Having compassion for oneself is crucial to the process of moving from shame to worthiness. Thankfully, self-compassion can be learned and practiced. Kristin Neff, Ph.D., (2011) suggests that there are three elements of self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness: the capacity to be warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Self-judgment is the opposite – the tendency to ignore personal emotional pain and to beat ourselves up with self-criticism.
2. Common humanity: the capacity to recognize that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. Isolation is the opposite – the pervasive sense that you are the only person who suffers or makes mistakes.
3. Mindfulness: the capacity to take a balanced approach to negative emotions, so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated, to observe negative emotions with openness and clarity. Over-identification is the opposite of mindfulness and suggests that we are caught up and swept away by our own negative reactions.

A Personal Shame Story

Shame can arise in unexpected moments, and often it’s something small that triggers it. The first year my son participated in Cub Scouts, around the winter holidays the pack had a cake auction to raise money for a local charity. I let my six year-old son decorate the cake, and I was proud of him and thought he did a good job – covering it with sprinkles and pine tree shaped marshmallow Peeps. When we got to the event and placed our cake on the table I was dismayed to realize most of the other parents had baked elaborate gourmet desserts, and obviously had decorated them themselves. Immediately I was flooded with a sense of being not good enough – shame. I felt my body flush with heat, I felt nauseous, and I was overcome with a sensation of wanting to hide. Thankfully I realized what was happening and was able to take a deep breath and remember to be compassionate with myself. I was aware that my ideal identity around being a good, competent mother had been triggered, and that I was afraid of others seeing me as a failure. Thankfully a good friend was nearby, and I was able to pull her aside and share. She listened empathetically and then appreciated me for letting Sebastian decorate the cake, reminding me that by doing so I was actually being a great mother. That experience taught me a lot about how easy it is to be triggered into shame, and how it’s possible, when remaining conscious and self-compassionate, to move through the shame back to a place of worthiness.

Shame to Worthiness

The more you practice moving from shame to worthiness, the easier it gets. And the more readily you can recognize and move through a shame attack, the more often you will live from a place of authenticity and worthiness.

Coaches can help clients recognize when they’re in shame and can support them in learning to identify and move through shame. Walking clients through the process of figuring out their shame triggers is beneficial, as well as coaching them around their ideal and unwanted identities. Helping clients become more authentic and cultivate worthiness will help them more readily move through shame when it arises. Assisting clients to hone their self-compassion is another valuable contribution.

When a Client is Triggered

Sometimes a client will be triggered into shame during a session, and unless that client is skilled at moving through shame consciously, he/she will most likely react in one of the common ways: withdrawing, blaming themselves, blaming others, or rebelling. Liv Larsson (2010) identifies how to respond to someone depending on which way he/she is reacting to shame.

When Someone Chooses to Withdraw

If someone withdraws or seems to give up on what they need, you can show them that you are interested in staying connected. Checking to see if you have done something that has influenced him or her to withdraw can help you to be received as someone who can be trusted. When we connect with these people it can look as if they do not appreciate it at first. But I have often heard people say what prompted them to break a destructive pattern was that someone else was willing to reach out for them although they had chosen to withdraw.

When Someone Blames Him or Herself

If someone blames him or herself, you can address the self-criticism with honesty and empathy. You can listen for the feelings that are behind the judgments and help the person find out what the need are. If you choose to treat them with honesty you can express the feelings and needs that are stimulated within you, when you heard their self-criticism. If you express appreciation, make sure that the aim is not to try to get them away from how they judge themselves or to calm them down. They can be temporarily calmed by this kind of praise but it works more like a bandage that just hides a wound, rather as a real healing. There is usually no deeper change if someone only hears the assurance that they are ok. The next day, they are often back in the same place. Usually it is empathy they need, not a pep talk or being taken care of. The self-blaming thoughts carry information about life-serving needs.

When Someone Chooses to Rebel

It is valuable here to start any dialogue by paying attention to things that this person actually has accomplished. If you have the ability to express appreciation and for the positive intention you can see behind what they do, it will probably lower their guard a bit. However, do not express appreciation in the form of praise. Instead express what needs of yours were met by something they have done and how it makes you feel. It might be that your needs are met by their effort to do something but not necessarily the outcome of it. Criticizing them does not create contact, but will rather lead to a stronger reaction from them, as they want to prove that they do not need you approval. Connection with someone who chooses to rebel needs to be built up slowly, step by step. This person will want to end the dialogue if she or he experiences it as an attempt to restrain their – often highly valued freedom. Behind this reaction is their fear of being confronted with the shame they have tried to run away from for so long.

When Someone Chooses to Attack and Blame Others

Remind yourself that no one who is connected with his or her own feelings and needs will bully anyone else. A person with high self-esteem does not need to attack someone else in order to feel okay. You can respond to the criticism with empathy, and help them get in touch with what they need and find new ways of acting. We can show that it is possible to communicate in other ways. We can show that – instead of hearing judgments – we can listen for the needs they are so desperately trying to meet, with this (tragic) strategy. When they trust that we really want to understand them, they are usually more open to hear what we have to say.

1. In your own words, how do you define shame and worthiness?
2. How do you sense shame in your body?
3. What are some of your shame triggers?
4. What are some tools you can use to help a client move through shame?
5. What are some powerful questions you could ask a client to support him/her in feeling self-compassion?
6. What are some powerful questions you could ask a client to help him/her move from shame toward worthiness?

Bradshaw, J. (1988). Healing the shame that binds you. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City, MN: Hazelden. Companion worksheet, accessed online 10/12/13:

http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/ITIWJMreadingguide.pdf

The Guilt and Shame Proneness (GASP) scale, accessed online 10/1/13:

https://student-3k.tepper.cmu.edu/gsiadoc/WP/2011-E10.pdf

Larsson, L. (2010). Anger guilt and shame: Reclaiming power and choice. Sweden.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers. Accessed online 10/31/13:

http://self-compassion.org/

Rosenberg, N. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Warren, N.C. (1997). Finding contentment: When momentary happiness just isn’t enough. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.