If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, then change how you think about it. – Maya Angelou –
The Power of “AM I…?” Questions
“Am I?” questions are opportunities to re-look and re-define ourselves.
It opens doors for further inspection, questioning, exploration, clarification and confirmation.
“Am I?” questions challenge us to dig deep and really listen to what we are saying about ourselves, and ask us if we’re really sure of what we’re declaring.
On one hand, “Am I?” questions can open up feelings of uncertainty, fear, insecurity and doubt.
“Am I really who I say I am? Do I really believe this is true of myself?”
On the other hand, it can serve as a window for possibility, positive change and new thinking.
“Is there another view on this? Is there a different truth, or another possibility that challenges to what I thought was fact?”
“Am I?” opens doors to alternative perspectives that we may not have thought and allows us to be more self-aware and look at ourselves honestly and holistically.
Compared to “I am” statements which assume definitive answers and conclusion, the beauty of “Am I?” questions is the gift of choice. By asking ourselves “Am I?”, we create space to question ourselves, voting to consciously agree or disagree with these beliefs about our identity; to affirm or re-define our perception.
“Am I a failure?” “Am I good enough?” “Am I meant to be here?” “Am I making the right decision?”
These kinds of questions often rise up in situations where we are faced with challenges, uncertainties, or situations that don’t go the way as planned or expected.
However the final answers are left to us: we can decide who will answer to that, what that answer will be, and whether we listen or accept that answer – and make it our truth.
I am not a product of my circumstances; I am a product of my decisions.– Stephen Covey –
Case study:
Belinda is a hardworking accounts manager for a well-known advertising agency. Nicknamed ‘Bubbly Bel’ because of her positive, vivacious energy and outgoing personality, she was extremely well-liked in the company, although her colleagues joked about her ‘workaholism’ ; always being the first to arrive and last to leave, she was dedicated to her job and was often working weekends; not because she had to but because she wanted to. So when the global financial crisis hit and the agency notified the employees they had to cut down on staff numbers, she never thought it would have been her.
So when she got the news that she had been made redundant, she was initially quite shocked and upset by the news; however her naturally ambitious and hardworking mentality took charge, and immediately seeing the situation as an opportunity to excel and progress in her career, she quickly got into job-hunting mode and applying for several agencies. Unfortunately for Belinda, the national economy was at an all time low; jobs were scarce and competition was fierce; and as the months went by without any success, Belinda’s confidence started to quickly spiral downwards. She made it to a handful of interviews but never got a call back. Eight months later, she was still without a job. Unable to afford her rent anymore, she moved back home with her parents, and feeling disheartened about her ‘failure to get a job’, she decided to get a coach to help her with her motivation.
In the initial chat with Belinda, it appeared that her feelings of self-doubt and ‘failure’ were solely based on her current situation of not being able to find work. As we explored deeper, Belinda realized that she had placed her whole identity and self-worth in her job; a choice she had made in her teenage years from being embarrassed about her family’s low-income status compared to her peers, and her dad’s alcoholic problems. For many years, she had built up her whole life and identity around work – a life she was proud of because she worked hard and was successful from it, and she didn’t have to answer any personal questions about her family history anymore.
Her coach asked further probing questions about what was coming up from this job situation and she realized there was a connection between her feelings of embarrassment and ‘failure’ with her job situation and to her family situation – being unable to make things worked in her career triggered similar feelings of being unable to make things work in her family. As we went even deeper, Belinda discovered she has always struggled with perfectionism ideals and prided herself on being self-reliable and independent, another core value she identified herself with. Which is why she felt like a failure when she didn’t have control of the situation and no matter how hard she tried, she didn’t get what she wanted and she believed it was nobody’s fault but hers.
Now that Belinda identified and understood the core issues that revolved around her identity; the coach was able to work with her on rebuilding the foundation of her self-identity, based on what she wanted to change and believe about herself, on the things that are important to her. Acknowledging the issues she had with her family from the past, she consciously decided that family is important to her, and she wanted to forgive and let go of the resentment she had from the past. With her coach keeping her accountable, she made a commitment to write a letter to her family to ask them to forgive her for not keeping a good relationship with them all these years, to tell them how important they were to her and how she wanted to take things forward in mending and growing their relationship.
The coach used visualization techniques and vision boards to help Belinda create a beautiful and colourful poster of empowering words and pictures that detailed her core values, dreams and the people and things that she wanted to base her worth and identity on. The coach then used the ten “I am” and “I am not” statement exercises with Belinda to help her be clear about her core values and key situations that might trigger or shake her self-worth. Reframing her perspectives, she wrote down strong statements such as “I am a success no matter what life throws at me” “I am loved” “I am not a failure because of my employment status” “I am not my job” “I am significant with or without a job” “I am important to my family and they are important to me”, she could read these aloud to her coach and as she did this she felt a heavy weight lift from her heart and a big smile on her face. She also acknowledged her tri.
The more she affirmed these beliefs with her coach and to herself, the more confidence and trust she felt increase and the connection between her identity and her ability to find work and her self-identity started to fade. and she felt empowered knowing that no matter what would happen in her external circumstances, that she is strong, powerful, full of love and worth and indestructible.
Now that she knew her core values and the strength of her identity was not dependent on her job, her attitude to life and her future also changed. She loved herself more, became more vocally vulnerable and open about her past to others and how it strengthens her and makes her the person she is today. She still carried on job-hunting but with a gentle confidence and from the powerful knowledge that her worth, security and success is not attached to her career but her identity was based on the positive values, strengths and knowledge she has decided for herself, and she would not be affected by passing circumstances and things that were out of her control.
The realization of her true identity and who “Bubbly Belinda” is was a transformational change in her life, which affected not only Belinda but also those around her. Not long after, she had several offers from multinational companies, but rather than the smug confidence and self-centered pride she would normally bask in, she looked at the job offers that lay before her with a thankful heart; more aware of her transformational mindset shift about her identity; grateful for the situation that had happened 12 months ago and the journey she had gone through that had led her to this pivotal growth and learning in her life.
Self Application:
Divide a page into two columns. In the first column, write down ten “I am….” statements.
In the second column, write down ten “I am not…” statements.
Use words associated with values or attributes. Try not to just state the obvious or facts, such as gender or roles, ie. ‘I am a woman’ ‘I am a father’ ‘I am an accountant’. Think about adjectives to put in front of those roles. ‘What kind of woman are you? What kind of father are you? What kind of accountant are you?” See what comes up.
(Note: In this Power Tool we are focusing on the “I am/am not” – not “I have/have not” “I can/can not”. We are focusing on identity and not our ability to gain or do something. Our ability is dependent on how we identify ourselves, which is why it’s important to know who we believe we are.)
When finished, read through the sentences you have just written. What feelings or things come to mind? Circle the ones that make you smile – statements you are proud of and can confidently say this is true. Quietly acknowledge those qualities, talents or attributes you have. It’s important to recognize, appreciate and celebrate your strengths and personality traits that make you unique and special.
Now take a look at the ones that you have not circled. What comes up when you read these? What prompted you to write this about yourself? What incidents, memories, experiences or examples come up when you read this statement? It’s important to understand why and where you have developed these beliefs about yourself to be able to change them.
| Examples of Empowering“I am” statements | Example of Neutral“I am“ statements | Examples of Disempowering“I am” statements |
| I am proud of who I am. | I am an emotional person. | I am not talented enough. |
| I am great at soccer. | I am dependent on my family. | I am too weak. |
| I am a generous and caring friend. | I am a vulnerable person. | I am what they say I am. |
| I am big and beautiful. | I am different to others. | I am not good enough. |
| I am more than enough. | I am shy and an introvert. | I am a failure. |
Take the un-circled statements and turn them into “Am I…?” questions.
Example 1:
If you have written: “I am not in the best physical shape” – ask yourself the following:
“Am I in my best physical shape? If not, why not? How can I be in the best shape? What do I need to do in order to get in my physical best shape? What will I commit to to make this happen?”
Example 2:
“I am unworthy of love.” Turn it around: “Am I really unworthy of love?”
Explore the root causes of your belief: “Why am I unworthy of love? Who says so? Why am I choosing to believe it?
Address your intention/desire: “Do I want to be worthy of love?”
Ask what is missing and what action steps you can take to achieve that: “What will make me believe that? What can I do to be worthy of love? What needs to happen?”
It is important to understand our core beliefs about our identity as this is the root cause for all reacting emotions, actions, attitudes and decisions; and if we can find these core beliefs then we are in a position to be able to change them if they are stopping us from moving forward in our lives.