A Coaching Power Tool By Carrie Cullen, Leadership Coach, UNITED STATES
What Is the Difference Between Negative vs. Neutral?
If a thought or belief does not serve you, let it go! There is no written law that says that because you once believed something, you have to continue to believe it forever. – Louise Hay
On my coaching journey (and even well before it!), I have been inspired by evidence about the power of our minds; especially, the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza, Carol Dweck, Rick Hanson, and even more esoteric works like Abraham Hicks and Louise Hay. The idea that we can harness the power of our mind for our own creation is both exciting and empowering!
In my own life as well as in coaching, I have observed firsthand that this is true. The quality of one’s thoughts, beliefs, and self-talk determines the quality of one’s life. Anyone who has worried themself sick understands this concept deeply. Our minds have the power to do incredible things. The Placebo Effect is an amazing example of this.
Our thoughts direct our outlook, feelings, actions, and finally, our outcomes. If we want to change our life, we must change our thoughts first. If we do not change our thoughts, but simply change our actions, the change won’t be sustainable. In order to have a real, lasting, sustainable transformation, we must begin in our minds before any actions take place.
Getting a hold of negative thinking is critical for having a happy, healthy mindset and life. Unchecked negative thinking can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and other mental health challenges. Being stuck in negative thought patterns keeps us stuck in our lives. Negative thoughts can cause us to make decisions that don’t serve us or move us forward in life.
You are continuously keeping your life the same because you are keeping your attention (thoughts) and your energy (feelings) the same.― Dr. Joe Dispenza
However, if we can neutralize the negativity, and choose to think of new thoughts, our whole life can change and we can get unstuck. We can break through old patterns, and habits and become whole new people if we really desire to.
So your thoughts drive your feelings, and your feelings drive your thoughts, and eventually this loop hardwires your brain into the same patterns, which conditions your body into the past. And because emotions are a record of past experiences, if you can’t think greater than how you feel, this thinking-feeling loop keeps you anchored to your past and creates a constant state of being. This is how the body becomes the mind—or in time, how your thoughts run you and your feelings own you.― Dr. Joe Dispenza
Power Tool: Negative vs. Neutral
This concept of managing our thoughts is the basis for my Power Tool: Negative vs. Neutral:
Negative vs. Neutral is a multi-step process that will work for ANY situation we want to transform in our lives.
- Step 1: You MUST be able to observe that you are having thoughts (and/or self-chatter) in your mind about the situation. In addition, you must understand that these thoughts are driving specific feelings.
- Step 2: Identify the thoughts. Specifically…..what are ALL the thoughts you are having about a certain circumstance? Write them down if you can. Make a list of every thought that comes up for you regarding the situation.
- Step 3: Review the thoughts. Which ones are serving you? Which ones are not serving you? What feelings are associated with each of these thoughts? Do you feel it anywhere in your body? Can you name the feelings?
- Step 4: Look at all the thoughts and try on the ones that feel more neutral than negative. Do they feel authentic and believable to you? If so, we are going to practice with them.
- Step 5: Think again about the situation, repeat the new thoughts in your head or even out loud and see what feelings arise for you. Keep a few that feel authentic, and believable, but also that you feel are most neutral vs. the original negative thoughts.
- Step 6: When a negative thought about the situation arises, you catch yourself and flip it to a neutral thought. Practice!!!
The ultimate long-term goal would be to see an entirely new perspective on something and be able to get to a positive thought about it. And, ultimately a whole different perspective on the situation. However, sometimes we are too far away from thinking positively to be able to do that at the moment. It’s important that we practice new thoughts that still feel believable and authentic to us. If we reach for positive thoughts, but we don’t actually believe them, or we don’t feel them to be authentic and truthful, then we could be entering the territory of ‘toxic positivity,’ which can actually be harmful to our mental health.
The “positive vibes only” mantra can be particularly grating during times of intense personal distress. When people are coping with situations such as financial troubles, job loss, illness, or the loss of a loved one, being told that they need to look on the bright side can seem downright cruel.
Some even consider toxic positivity a form of gaslighting. This is because it creates a false narrative of reality, often causing you to question what you think and feel. – verywellmind.com
So, we must be careful when managing our minds. Switching from negative to neutral in our thoughts about a situation essentially helps to build a bridge to eventual positivity by building ladder thoughts along the way.
Here are some examples of practicing negative to neutral thoughts:
|
Negative Thought |
Neutral Thought |
|
Ugh – I suck at this and I’ll never learn how to be a coach |
I’m learning, and it’s going to take time. |
|
I always have bad luck |
I’ve had some bad luck in the past, but that’s in the past and doesn’t determine mine now. |
|
I’m a bad mom; I can’t keep my patience when my kids are driving me nuts |
Even Though I didn’t respond the way I wanted to, I’m willing to believe I can change. |
|
Ugh, I’m so broke. I’ll never have enough money |
I might be short of cash now, but this situation is temporary. |
As a coach, I am listening for negative thoughts, closed or fixed mindsets, limiting beliefs and extreme words like can’t/always/never. Once I hear those, I’ll bring them to the forefront by asking the client questions such as:
- What’s the impact of this thought on your day-to-day life?
- What feelings are associated with this thought?
- How is this mindset or thought serving you?
- How is this mindset or thought not serving you?
- What’s factually true about this thought?
- What results are you bringing about by this thought?
- What are you making the situation mean?
Next, we are looking to shift from negative to neutral. To do this, I’ll ask the client questions such as:
- How else might you think about this situation?
- What else might be true about this situation?
- What thought can you reach for that feels neutral, but still believable to you?
- How might you take the pressure off of this thought?
- What other thoughts do you have about this situation that might be serving you?
- What else could the situation mean?
This is a tool that I have been using in my practice. And I remind my clients that they can do the work on their own as well as mindset management takes practice. The more they can catch the thoughts and neutralize them, the more quickly they can eventually build positive thoughts, feelings, and then actions. So far, it has gotten very good feedback from clients who say that they feel more empowered and in control when they are able to manage their minds a bit better. Though, they all acknowledge that catching the thought in the moment is sometimes the trickiest part since these thoughts have sometimes been there for so long that they are so completely automatic.
Picture your brain forming new connections as you meet the challenge and learn. Keep on going. – Dr. Carol Dweck
Practicing negative vs. neutral thoughts is literally building new neural pathways in the brain. I share this with my clients so they understand why it will take practice, and so that they don’t get frustrated with the process. Sometimes, people believe that old adage “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” However, science shows this is not the case. And, I like to remind my clients of this. I also share with them that this is the very basis of neuroplasticity and all the science surrounding neuroplasticity. We aren’t just dealing with esoteric ideas; this concept is rooted in science and data.
An influx of new research explores how our brains do continue to change and how our very thoughts impact those changes. This natural tendency of our brains to rewire is called neuroplasticity, which can be influenced by both external and internal factors.― Tina Hallis
References
Hay, Louise. You Can Heal Your Life. 1984, Full Circle
Dr. Dispenza, Joe. You Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter. 2014, Hay House Publishing
Dr. Dispenza, Joe. Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing the Uncommon. 2017, Hay House Publishing
Dr. Swart, Tara. The Source: the Secrets of the Universe, the Science of the Brain. Harper One, 2019
Dr. Carol Dweck. Mindset: the New Psychology of Success. 2006, Ballantine Books
Tina Hallis. Sharpen Your Positive Edge: Shifting Your Thoughts for More Positivity and Success. 2017, Happy Hill Publishing
Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. 2004, New World Library
www.verywellmind.com