A Coaching Power Tool By Warren Dix, Organizational and Personal Change Coach, NETHERLANDS
The Battle of Words, Need to vs. Get To
Navigating our way through limiting beliefs is a challenge at the best of times. Being aware of them is the start. But what about the words we use, how important are they? The contemporary version of the quote “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” attributed to Frank Outlaw[1] is so important to consider when we think about perspectives. A client was constantly using the phrase “I have to “or “I need to”. There was no realization that any perspective they had which was preceded with “need to” already made the change in perspective potentially unattainable. This became a multi-layered session in understanding the limitations of verbiage which created a fixed mindset and only then dealt with the next layer the actual belief held or perspective. Referencing the quote again, it starts with what you think.
Different Insights or Viewpoints
A fellow ICA Alumni also wrote about a similar perspective of want vs willing and want is not dissimilar. In that power tool, want or want was the negative perspective as opposed to the preferable alternative namely willing[2]. This begs the question of why there is a disconnect, and the simple answer is different perspectives are what make us unique. Different teachings and subsequent learnings are how we grow. As such I do not view it as a disconnect, merely differing perspectives.
Different perspectives are what makes us unique, but what do we actually need to or get to?
Need to vs. Get To
Need to in Context
Need has been studied and has many versions associated with the psychology of man. However, in the context of this power tool, we will discuss the need associated with the assumption of lack of choice. A broad statement when you consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs which is depicted in a pyramid from the bottom up assesses the following needs: physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem and self-actualization. However, even at the base levels of our needs as humans, we still have choices. Often, we have the view that we need to do something because we do not have a choice. This is not true as there are not many instances where we do not have a choice. A significant choice for some would be, am I prepared to follow my dream and passion but earn considerably less than I do now? Another choice would be to be drafted for military conscription or not. If you are a conscientious objector, you could leave the country in question. Whether we want to accept the consequences of our choices is an entirely different matter. The choices do not seem fair, but we do not need to do the one thing only. How we live our lives and what we get out of our lives is set by the tone of our choices.
When we use the language of limited choice, we automatically shut down a growth mindset and we are sucked into a limited mindset. Operating from a limited mindset perspective limits us automatically to fewer choices and less opportunity for growth. We then find ourselves meandering down the path of disillusionment and unfulfillment. This negative perspective is pervasive in our language, which consequently leads to how we act. Something I personally still have difficulty changing, knowing full well that just changing the verbiage will commence a chain reaction of positive outcomes.
What About Get To?
Get to enable us to see that we have a choice regardless of the situation. It is a forward-thinking available option. The concept of get or get to which has been substantiated in the book Mindset by Carol S Dweck through many studies is succinctly presented by her to Stanford[3]. The alternative of I get to as opposed to I need to open up doors beyond our capability to contemplate. The minute we switch to a growth mindset, there are no limitations. Personally, I need to move beyond thinking of what I get to be selfish or self-centred; I get to do this for myself and those around me. Get to means you choose! You choose to follow a path that provides you with fulfilment, contentment, and happiness. Whatever you choose because of what you get, you will find yourself where you get to be. How do you know that get to will drive the right behaviour and not end up in some hedonistic mess? You base your choices on your norms, values and principles. However, get to in itself is not adequate to enable change, get to requires being coupled with decision-making to facilitate a perspective change. If we move from having no choice to having a choice, from a need to, get to, we have by default made a choice, and making choices are decisions. If we have made a decision, we need to identify and implement the relevant strategies to achieve what we want. We have made that choice.
Application in the Coaching Journey
Recognition
Coaches need to be able to identify the underlying behaviour to facilitate a change in perspective. Recognising the usage of the word need to and subsequently the frequency of usage is the first clue to a pattern. This is the first layer. As this is potentially a multilayered pattern, the coach could then be vigilant for a pattern in what is attached to the phraseneed to. Often it appears to be a random connection but threading the different contexts of how and when the client uses need to could lead to categorising the underlying limiting belief or perspective.
It might be useful to point out that this pattern recognition is not limited just to this perspective, it is a fundamental element used in coaching. This perspective might be a reminder for new coaches to keep an eye out for patterns.
Relevance
Once identified, the coach has the choice to address the first layer of limiting belief or dig deeper. However, the persistent and pervasive use of the need to could be powerful in itself to bring to the consciousness of the client. Such deep-seated use of fixed mindset nomenclature could take longer than a single session to facilitate transformation. Continuous observation and reminders to the client to consider alternatives would be a method to allow the client to seek the underlying (second layer) belief that might need to be resolved before the need to use is addressed.
Easier Said Than Done, Possible Nonetheless
Awareness and repetition are core tenets for a client to overcome this perspective change. Awareness: in that, the client is aware of the limiting belief perspective being used and learning to change the language through repetition. Essentially, learning to change their habits. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg talks about a 3 step process to change habits which was enhanced by James Clear in his book Atomic Habits. The 4 steps identified by Clear are cue, craving, response and reward. Gaining insight into and leveraging the 4 steps to change one’s habits leads to creating new neural pathways. Needless to say, easier said than done.HoweverClear provides easy-to-follow instructions on how to achieve success. What is crucial to understand is that habits are developed in small incremental steps over a protracted period of time and any expectation to boil the ocean would result in failure. The first chapter is in fact painstakingly dedicated to demonstrating that small consistent gains lead to significant changes with time, think of 1 % improvement incremental changes. Hence, the awareness (of the cue and the craving) will facilitate the desired repetition or formation of habit. Clear also very specifically talks about having to vs get to.“You get to wake up early for work. You get to make another sales call for your business. You get to cook dinner for your family. By simply changing one word, you shift the way you view each event. You transition from seeing these behaviours as burdens and turn them into opportunities”.
The earth has always rotated and will always rotate. Our short existence on this planet will be irrelevant in the bigger scheme of the universe. Jordan B Peterson captures a worthwhile sentiment to consider in his book Beyond Order 12 More Rules for Life as rule 5; “Do not do what you hate”.
The choices we make are choices we live with. Life is too short to be dictated by the need to think and change the mindset to get to.
References
[1]https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/01/10/watch-your-thoughts/
[2]https://ica.archive.coachcampus.com/c/graduate-portfolios/power-tool-james-levin
[3]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiiEeMN7vbQ&t=435s