Coaching application
When our clients focus on what they consider to be negative parts of themselves they detach from their strengths and power. Focusing on these parts brings along self blame and loss of self compassion; this shuts down the capacity to learn and can create self doubt and paralysis in moving forward.
Bringing your client to a place where they can accept themselves wholly allows them to feel love and respect for themselves and to recognise and harness their strengths. This brings an energy with the capacity to move the client forward flexibly and responsively to the life that they choose for themselves.
Exercises for coaches and clients
- Take a few moments to tune into what your mind is telling you about yourself and how you are feeling about yourself. Notice which parts of yourself you are accepting and which parts you are rejecting. Imagine that someone you love deeply is telling you about the parts they are rejecting in themselves, the parts that they are rejecting are the same as the parts that you are rejecting in yourself. Imagine how you would feel to hear this wonderful friend feel so badly about her or himself. What would you say to your friend to let your friend know that the rejection of these parts of her or himself is damaging and destructive towards their whole being. Let your friend know how much you value them as a whole being, not just the parts that they feel are worthy. Now use the words that you used with your friend to yourself with love and sincerity.
- Notice the parts of yourself that you consistently reject and struggle with. Make a list of all the things you wish you didn’t do or would like to do differently. For each of the things on your wish list identify how this part of yourself has helped and / or sustained you at some point in your life. Consciously acknowledge the positive role that this part has played in your life and thank it for its power and help at that appropriate time.
Connecting With Others
When we are connecting to ourselves we are able to connect to others, meeting them in a space of love and trust and appreciation. We meet others knowing that they too bring a unique presence to the world.
We are able to approach them with a spirit of curiosity and inquiry; eager to discover the gifts they are bringing to the world and to our lives, confident with the knowledge that we have gifts to offer too. When we meet others from a place of connection with ourselves we are able to compliment and contrast aspect of ourselves with others, knowing that we have much to bring to others (if they are willing to receive) and that we have much to learn from others about ourselves. We are able to connect with the whole other not just the parts that are attractive to us.
When we are connecting to ourselves and to others we are able to feel and share our joy.
Making a connection enhances and amplifies our power as individuals and as a pair or a group. We are able to allow each person to contribute their strengths and expertise and to allow each to learn and develop and grow. Recognising that different experiences and situations will call for different responses allows us to open up to different ways of being in the world. This brings about an understanding of and appreciation for these differences.
Compare
When we compare we examine two or more objects, ideas or people in order to note similarities and differences, to consider or describe as similar; to hold as equal or in a similar standing; to search for difference in quality or accomplishment; vie or rival.
Comparing ourselves with others
When we compare ourselves to others with judgement we are disconnected from ourselves. In disconnecting we withdraw our love and compassion for ourselves and instead diminish and demean ourselves by focusing on another without bringing all of ourselves along. Without self love and self compassion we meet the other feeling flawed, searching to find what they have that seems better than us and what we have that seems better than them.
Comparing others negatively against ourselves
In this flawed and damaged state we celebrate if our comparison identifies something that can allow us to feel better about ourselves. We move to feelings of superiority and arrogance in an effort to distance ourselves from experiencing our flaws. We tell ourselves that we are better and that we are right while they are wrong. We disconnect from the other, distancing ourselves and focusing only on the parts of the other that we find difficult. We feel scorn or anger and reject the whole person.
Comparing others positively against ourselves
When our comparison identifies that the other is better and has some quality or strength that we feel lacking in ourselves we disconnect from the other either by feeling envy and jealousy towards them or by idealising them so that we focus only on the aspects of them that we consider positive and worthy. In idealising we diminish and demean ourselves since we disconnect from our own unique contribution to the world. Either way we handover our power to the other since it is not possible to envy or idealise and retain our own power. In handing over our power we further diminish our connection to ourselves.
Thinking that others have the life that we would like negates our wonderful individuality and our own unique journey. It caricatures other’s lives to only the bits we are focusing on. We negate the other’s whole being and whole journey.
Self application
Find a quiet and safe place to reflect. Put yourself in a comfortable position. Take a couple of minutes to focus on your breath, following the flow in and out of your body. With each breath allow yourself to connect with and appreciate your whole being, allow yourself to experience all of you, loving and respecting yourself as a unique being and know that you have much to bring to the world and believe in your power to do this. Allow yourself to experience this deeply. Now think of someone that you feel uncomfortable around, who raises feelings of distain, anger, envy or rejection. From this place of love and acceptance of yourself consider and open yourself to what it is about this person that has allowed you to disconnect from loving yourself and has raised negative feelings within you. What are the messages that these feelings are bringing to you. What is the lack that you are feeling in yourself as a result of this person. Allow yourself to welcome the message. Identifying what we feel is lacking in our lives allows us to open ourselves to embracing and extending effort to learn and heal and grow.
Coaching application
Tune into the times when clients compare themselves to others with judgment and are negatively or positively rating their own lives against others. Spend time supporting the client connect to and appreciate all they bring to the world and helping them to take pride in their own unique journey. This will help them to shift their focus away from what they feel they lack or want in relation to others and move towards living their own life powerfully.
If the client is not able to connect with feelings of love and respect for themselves then this suggests that they may be out of balance. This can offer an indication as to where coaching will reap great benefits.