In real life, we often have no idea what another person may be going through. We may still think that the person’s driving style (their behavior) in that moment is not very safe, but when we jump to judgmental conclusions about that person’s character, we close ourselves off from the possibility that there is a reasonable explanation for what they are doing. In so doing, we trap ourselves in the dark prison of judgment.
Does this mean that we cannot set boundaries or choose the kinds of behavior that we are willing to tolerate in our lives? Absolutely not! When we focus on the behavior we are willing to accept from others, this is healthy boundary setting. When we begin to make judgments about the character or worth of the person displaying the kind of behavior we don’t like, this is when we begin to isolate ourselves from others. We can refuse to accept to be treated in a certain way while still remaining open with curiosity about why a person is behaving as they are.
This applies first and foremost to ourselves. It is easy to jump so quickly to self-talk that is much more critical, judgmental, and condemning than anything we would say to anyone else in our lives. How often have you called yourself stupid or lazy or a whole host of other nasty names? How often do you tell yourself that you “should” be something other than what you are? The next time you catch yourself judging yourself, take a moment to view yourself with curiosity. Explore gently and inquisitively the possible reasons why you may be behaving as you are. Are you trying to be someone you are not? Are you setting unreachable standards for your work? Are there extenuating circumstances that may be impacting you in this moment?
This open, flexible, inquisitive way of seeing the world around us will help us become not only the coaches we wish to be, but also the person, friend, relative, partner, or parent we wish to be in all parts of our lives. The way we treat others in our lives will always be a reflection of the way we treat ourselves.
Reflection
Coaching Application
We already know the value of suspending judgment of our clients in a coaching situation and we actively work at cultivating curiosity through our powerful questions. These skills are foundational to good coaching, and our modeling of non-judgmental curiosity will be helpful to clients who are working on making this shift.
When we are working with clients for whom judgment is playing a strongly limiting role in their interactions with people and situations, however, we will need to start with helping our clients become aware of this pattern. We can use our curiosity and powerful questions to help them explore the reasons why they may have adopted this pattern of relating and help them consider ways in which judgment may not be serving them as well as they think it does.
As their awareness increases, it is then possible to help them find the power of curiosity and begin to shift into greater use of that habit instead. We can encourage our clients to let go of words like “should,” “ought to,” and “have to” and explore ways to embrace phrases like “want to” “choose to” instead. We can show clients how to ask questions and be inquisitive about what lies below the surface of their lives and the lives of those around them.
As they learn from us the power of asking questions, our clients might find themselves becoming more and more curious about themselves and others and learn to love the openness and spaciousness that curiosity brings.