To most people, success means achieving a goal. In order to achieve a goal, a person usually has to work hard and believe in himself. Being successful at what you do can also be very motivating. People, who are successful in one project, tend to be more successful in other projects. This is because they get the feeling that their hard work pays off and that a goal is worth their time and effort. Success usually goes hand in hand with appreciation. If someone we know succeeds at what he or she does, we will most certainly congratulate them. This will make them feel good and motivate them even further.
To some people, success means being the best at what they do. This means, that the requirements are even higher in order to succeed: just taking part and achieving good results is not enough. This attitude is especially true for sportsmen and –women. In sports, you do not simply want to be good, you want to be the best and make first place or achieve a new world record. People who always want to be the best are usually more disappointed if they do not achieve their goals. Ref: http://www.windmillsprogramme.com
Of course, each and everyone one of us has our own definition of success.
Self-Application:
In the first case, you don’t feel like you are satisfied with what you have achieved and are unhappy. Deep down you know you can do better, but the voice inside your head says, “I can’t do that, it’s way too difficult, what if I fail? You are going through life constantly questioning your abilities and self worth and feel as though after all your hard work, you still have added very little value to what you have accomplished and your contribution to society is not going to have a lasting effect.
We have all experienced the feeling of frustration from working hard at trying to be successful, and never quite meeting our own expectation or those of others. As humans many things can cause this:
In the second case, you can embrace this negative mindset by identifying and becoming aware of what is causing you to feel this way (e.g.,) underlying beliefs, lack of vision, lack of appreciation and acknowledgement and end up with a positive state of mind, but instead of just “settling” for the way things are you can identify what you can do and achieve it by provoking change.
Awareness is the greatest agent for change. Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
The feeling of having achieved something, but not being successful is the start to an end result. By provoking actions that will result in change, and exploring options that will help move you forward shifting from Achievement to Success it is possible that a person will feel more fulfilled and happy with their SUCCESS.
Achievement + Success = Happiness
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. Dalai Lama
It is important for the coach to explore and recognize the source of frustration caused by the feeling of not moving forward from a place of Achievement to Success. Is it one of the fears listed above or is it something else? What are the triggers that support a perspective of one of I will never be Successful? A client can be held back from moving forward by one or more of these causes along with several others. However the capacity for change is inside the client and wants to emerge. It will continue to gnaw at him or her unless it is addressed.
What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
It is the coach’s role to assist the client in creating and developing their self-awareness around the cause of feeling they have achieved something, but have never really been successful. Once this self-awareness is achieved, it will help the client open his or her mind to consider other perspectives. With this change in perspective it becomes possible for the client to have a more empowered view.
This will aid the client in opening his or her mind to consider other perspectives creating a shift in his/her perspective.
- Think about a time when you had self-doubt and were unable to change that perspective.
- What stopped you from changing your perspective?
- Think of a time in your life when you were able to grow and change your perspective?
- How did that happen?
- What did those feelings of changing your perspective look like, were you happier?
6. How did you sustain this feeling?
Case Study:
Shifting from Achievement to Success, A Personal Example
No matter how old you are when a parent dies it is always a shock to the system. You essentially have lost your support system. As a young child it makes you feel vulnerable and confused. Your Parents are part of your identity. They shape who you are in your formative years. You feel as you have lost your sense of self and have no direction.
I was only 5 years old when my Mother died, so my memories are very few. For the most part I only know what family members have told me about her. I don’t remember her voice, the perfume she wore or know what kind of a person she was. What I know for sure I was loved.
My Father felt he was not equipped to raise a little girl so it was agreed that one of the extended family members would take me to raise. I remember feeling lost and abandoned. They tried, but they had families of their own. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.
Nobody really talked about the death of my Mother, only that she was ill. I had a lot of questions that went unanswered. Where did she go? Why did she leave me? What was going to happen to me? Somehow was it my fault? I remember feeling angry and hurt.
I have an older brother who understood a bit more, but all he would ever say is “ We’ll be alright”. We would stand behind the door and listen to our extended family deciding who would take us. Naturally as siblings we didn’t want to be separated.
As the years went by we were shuffled from one family to another. When my brother turned 16 he left. There I was abandoned again, feeling alone. Children have an amazing capacity for internalizing things. I blamed myself for years that only if I would have somehow been a better daughter my Mother would not have died and none of this would have happened.
* Part of a wide-ranging new survey, indicates that bereavement rooted in childhood often leaves emotional scars for decades, and that our society doesn’t fully understand the ramifications
Research also shows the early loss of a parent can make some people more resilient, responsible and independent, But there are risks there, too. Kids who get through by being stoic and behaving like adults often “pay a fierce price—namely their childhoods,” Ms. Hughes.” Founder of Comfort Zone,http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/about/lynnes-story
I often felt like a raft floating in the ocean, not knowing which direction I was going or where. Despite this at a very early age, I decided that I would make something out of myself. Something deep inside of me knew getting an education was my key to freedom. I would not have to depend on anyone but myself. I would not say I was an academic, but I knew education was something nobody could ever take away from me. I also knew if I had an education I could create my own history
I graduated from high school with honors, put myself through college and got my MBA. I landed my first “real” job with a large insurance company and I was fast tracked into the company’s Management Training Program.
I felt this was a huge achievement, but I was still full of self -doubt and confusion about who I was as a person. The negative self-talk would kick in. I became depressed and had low self-esteem; I was very unsure of myself and questioned every thing I did. I convinced myself I would never be really successful at anything and that I was fooling myself into thinking otherwise. Fear of failure increased and so did my frustration and sense of hopelessness. How could I have achieved so much yet still feel like I was not successful?
It was evident my expectations had not been met and I unconsciously shifted back to feeling I had achieved some of my goals, but I still had not achieved success and happiness. I was missing somebody to acknowledge my achievements and celebrate them.
In today’s world I would have access to many useful resources, one being a Life Coach.
A Life Coach creates trust and rapport with their clients. They always focus on the client and follow their agenda. A Life Coach acknowledges and celebrates each achievement providing recognition and positive feedback during the client’s journey. Through focusing on the client and following their agenda, a life coach is able to create a new awareness through active listening, powerful questioning, exploring underlying beliefs, exploring values and life purpose along with reframing the client’s perspective. By reframing a clients perspective in a given situation and designing actions along with goal setting a life coach can help a client shift their perspective in a given situation from one of being negative to one of being positive.
Coaching Application:
How can a coach help a client go from a state of feeling as though they have never really achieved something to one of feeling every achievement they have made is like a stepping stone to Success? By using basic coaching techniques such as building trust and rapport, always following the client’s agenda. Providing a safe confidential space for the exploration of the issues at hand. Acknowledgement and celebrating “Wins” active listening, being fully present, powerful questions, exploring underlying beliefs, core values and life purpose and reframing perspectives that will help create a shift from one state to another. All of these provide the foundation for using coaching tools that are specific to your clients needs.
Suspending judgment in the coaching relationship is critical to the success of the coach.
support the truth of any given situation by having clients check their own perspectives, only by recognizing their truth can the client begin to change their perspective. ICA Module, Truth vs. Doubt.
What are some of the techniques that could be used to change a client’s perspective? Reflecting on what is a more empowering perspective. Exploring any underlying beliefs,
core values, and asking powerful questions which are thought provoking along with visualization and reframing perspectives.
Ask the client to define Achievement and to be aware of their physical feelings surrounding it. (e.g.; stress, self doubt) When feeling this way where is the primary feeling (e.g.; head, stomach, heart. On a scale from 1-10 how are they feeling now?
Part of the coaching process is to turn the course of action into concrete steps; clearly verbalizing what will be done creates commitment and accountability. As a coach I would ask the client the following questions:
During this process the coach will continue to provide follow up and support. Changing perspectives and making a shift can be difficult for some. It is important to accomplish the client’s goal by taking small steps so they keep moving forward.
Reflections
What are some additional coaching techniques and tools you can use to help your client develop self-awareness? How can you aid your client in changing their perspective, specifically moving from a state of Achievement to Success? This quote says it all!
We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal and then leap in the dark to our success. ~ Henry David Thoreau
I would work with a client on understanding what their underlying beliefs are. Having an accurate understanding of our beliefs and motives can help us make better choices so we can get the most out of their life
As a coach we can help our client to define their beliefs and values with greater accuracy. We can work with them to identify their priorities, roles and values in life. We can also help them understand their motivators. Through powerful questions we can help them uncover the beliefs and thoughts that could be holding them back once they have a better understanding of their beliefs and motives, they can strive for what they really value, and overcome any obstacles that are stopping them from making a shift in perspective.
*When a client discovers an Underlying Belief they are able to make decisions from a more powerful position because they have a greater amount of knowledge. They have the power of choice. (ICA Module Underlying beliefs.)
Underlying beliefs can hold a client back from making a shift. These tend to be based on certain experiences, or on ideas and norms we’ve acquired from our culture, upbringing, or peer group.
We can have thousands of thoughts each day, and very many of these thoughts are repeated. That’s why, over time, we can start to believe our own version how the world is.
I would also support them in working with the *Values Game to help them through
Self-discovery in order to find out what their Values and Life Purpose really is and what they are passionate about. * ICA Module Values and Life Purpose
Another valuable tool in this client’s specific situation would be using the * “Strength Finder 2.0.” This book will help open a client’s eyes to self –awareness , self management, social awareness and relationship management. Once they discover what their strengths are this too can create a shift in their self-perception. It is very empowering, especially when working along side a life coach.
Of course, without question I would continue to support client
through this process during our sessions and by e-mail, telephone or Skype.
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. Booker T. Washington