Judgement vs. Empathy

A Coaching Power Tool By Raphael Weninger, Life Coach, AUSTRIA

Why We Sometimes Choose Judgement vs. Empathy

We all suffer from judgement, some more often than others. One particular instance stood out for me. A few years into my career I suffered from judgement, comparing myself to colleagues from the university that had seemingly similar pathways to my own but, within a relatively short period of time, were running their own successful businesses, and had taken leadership roles in start-ups or had been featured in well-known media outlets, while I was still trying to find my way. The question I asked myself: “What’s wrong with me that I can’t do the same?”

I started to doubt myself: Did I choose the right career? What if I change? Am I smart enough? What am I meant to do with my life? Thoughts start to spiral, a downward spiral that can get out of hand. I was anxious, sad, and unsettled. I should have taken Michael Neill’s (2018, p. xx) advice to heart: “Don’t believe everything you think.”

But the spiral kept me trapped, always hearing my harsh and critical voice and not being able to silence it. I mean I knew, cognitively, I should follow my own path, go at my own speed, don’t look at others. But I didn’t feel it with all of my being, I just knew it in my head, something was missing.

I brought this topic to coaching as I could not find a way out of the spiral, the thinking loop I had created.

With a coach bringing empathy, it created a safe space to explore my situation and dig deep. For the first time, I was able to express myself fully and not feel judged for how I felt.

This allowed me to peel back the layers, challenge my beliefs and reflect on what I really wanted for my future. It created the space for insights to happen and I managed to see my situation from another perspective.

It is your perspective that determines your experience in life, not your situation. – ICA (2020b)

So let’s jump right in.

The Difference Between Judgement vs. Empathy

Judgement

Judgement can take various forms such as blame, insults, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnosis, which can be directed towards ourselves or others.

If a co-worker is more concerned about work than I am, they are a “workaholic and unsociable” and when the person is more relaxed about work than I am, they are “lazy and a free rider”.

When we are judging, we are focused on classifying, labeling, and determining levels of wrongness instead of focusing on what our values and needs in that situation are. This leads to a disconnect from people around us as well as ourselves (Rosenberg, 2015).

Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there – Rumi

A special form of judgement is making comparisons of yourself to other people. According to social comparison theory (Festinger, 1954), we all have an innate tendency to compare ourselves to others to get an accurate benchmark of our capabilities. This comparison can happen in different domains such as work, financial abilities, or life success to determine our social and personal worth.

While comparison can provide us with motivation to improve, studies found that we tend to make upward comparisons – comparing ourselves to someone better-off – which often has the opposite effect, lowering self-esteem and leading to feelings of guilt, envy, and shame.

We tend to compare ourselves with people whose abilities we judge as being similar to our own and whom we have shared experiences with i.e. went to university together, and worked in the same company. We can feel especially depressed when we see that those people are doing better than us. This problem is further exacerbated through social media, where a distorted picture of reality is showing seemingly perfect lives, careers, skills, and homes (De Vries&Kühne, 2015).

An important point to mention is that social comparison’s helpful or harmful nature depends on stressors in our lives, self-esteem as well as if we are making upward or downward social comparisons (Wheeler, 1966).

So, what does it take to get out of this spiral of judgement and unhealthy comparisons?

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to see the world as another person sees it or to enter into another’s frame of reference. One attempts to set aside one’s own perception of things in order to think the way the other person thinks or feels the way they feel (Bumard, 1988).

Theresa Wiseman(1996) identified 4 qualities of empathy:

1. Perspective taking – this refers to seeing the world as others see it and walking in their shoes, putting aside your own perspective
2. Being non-judgemental – this means being open to what the client is feeling and avoiding comments that invalidate their experience or make them feel wrong such as, “it’s not that bad” or “I don’t know why you’re so upset”
3. Recognizing and understanding emotion–this refers to looking within yourself and remembering the experience of the feeling that the other person seems to be feeling. The coach acknowledges and names what they are feeling and asks if they have identified the client’s feelings correctly
4. Communicate the understanding–this is about communicating your understanding of where the client is at and validating their feelings and experience

Empathy is not only about what you say but also how you say it – the tonality, gestures, facial expressions, and voice volume. All these factors are important in showing the client that you understand their feelings and experience.

Example of Expressing Empathy:

• Person A: I have been a wreck planning the holidays. My wife’s family is not helping. They keep changing their minds on what they want to do during the holidays.
• Coach: So you are feeling nervous about how to make the holiday arrangements and would appreciate it if your in-laws could be more aware of the complications they create for you?

However, empathy can be mistaken for sympathy which involves ‘feeling sorry for the other person or imagining how we would feel if we were experiencing what is happening to them. In contrast, empathy is different in that we try to imagine what it is like being that person and experiencing things as they do, not as we would with our background and knowledge (Diller et al., 2021).

Our learned ways of connecting with others such as going into the problem-solving mode or wanting to relieve the pain of the other person can be counterproductive.

As coaches, we know that the solutions we offer are rarely as good as what clients come up with themselves, but there are other more subtle behaviors that can manipulate the relationship with the client.

Holley Humphrey(2022) summarised several behaviors that are recognized as keeping us from connecting more deeply with others:

• Advising: “I believe you should…” “How about you try to…?”
• One-upping: “That’s nothing, what happened to me is far worse.”
• Educating: “You could learn from this if you just…”
• Consoling: “You gave it your all, it wasn’t your fault.”
• Story-telling: “That reminds me of last year…”
• Shutting down: “Be happy, it could have been more difficult.”
• Sympathizing: “Oh, poor you…”
• Interrogating: “When did this start?”
• Explaining: “I would have messaged you but…”
• Correcting: “It sounds like that’s not how it happened.”

We tend to try and understand the problem intellectually, which in turn prevents us from being present in a way that empathy requires and thereby frustrating the other person.

Here, the coaching relationship can be severely impacted because if the client feels frustrated the trust between client and coach, that is needed to have a beneficial coaching relationship, is missing.

Rogers (1957) recognizes that being understood is one of the most basic human needs and it’s only when we are understood and accepted the way we are that we can change and grow.

A trustful relationship is a basis for the client to openly explore and share personal information, emotions, and concerns.

The Relationship Between Judgement vs. Empathy

Studies from coaching and psychotherapy show that the relationship between client and coach is a critical factor for the client to achieve their desired outcome.

For clients to overcome big obstacles and achieve their goals, looking at what is holding them back is crucial. Therefore, clients may have to look within themselves where they may not want to look and go to places they have never been before. They may explore their utmost fears and share things with the coach that they have never shared with anyone else before. To enable this vulnerability, a strong connection and high level of trust between client and coach are required.

Here empathy can help, as the more connected the client feels, the more they are willing to open up to the coach.

By feeling and expressing empathy a coach can support the client in defusing their judgement and negative emotions. We enable the client to feel, to be fully heard and accepted.

Here are some important steps for feeling and expressing empathy:

• Be Vulnerable

Since the client is being asked to peel back their emotional layers and reveal their deepest secrets, fears, and desires, an environment of trust is paramount. While empathy helps to build that trust, it is also important to be open and vulnerable on the coach’s part. Vulnerability can be displayed verbally (i.e. tone of voice, a story – if beneficial for the client and permission is obtained), non-verbally (i.e. body language, demeanor), or simply as a frame of mind. If the client is vulnerable it is good to reciprocate to deepen the trusting relationship or if the client is not ready to share yet, leading the way by being vulnerable first will encourage the client (ICA, 2020c).

• Trust in the Client and Yourself

As a coach, we trust the client to be resourceful and whole, which means they know what they need even if it is not clear to them yet. In turn, this also means that we as a coach need to be comfortable with not knowing, which will affect our presence and the space we can hold for the client. Therefore, it is important that we trust the client and are right there with them.

To bring this presence as a coach and not be “in your head”, thinking about your performance instead of being with the client, you also need to trust in yourself. Search for feedback from a mentor and the client as well as trust in the coaching process and your competencies. In the dance between client and coach, everything comes together and the doubt in the client’s mind is explored to uncover what they know and how to trust in what they know already (ICA, 2020a).

• Empty Your Mind and Listen Empathically

Listen with all of your focus, ready to learn something new about the client and willing to understand the client’s point of view, how they think and feel, and how they move through the world (Zeus and Skiffington, 2000). Let go of all preconceived ideas or judgements. When your focus starts to drift, be aware of it and bring your attention back to the conversation.

We also listen to the client’s observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Humphrey (2022) calls what is needed “empathic listening”, whereby the focus is on the intention of connecting with the speaker and clarifying their needs while remembering that criticism is someone’s poorly expressed feelings and unmet needs.

• Listen With Your Whole Being

When we only focus on the words we are hearing, we are missing the majority of what the client is communicating. Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your emotions. Pick up on the client’s tone of voice, emotions, energy shifts, facial expressions, and other non-verbal cues.

This gives an insight into what is going on in the client’s internal and external world and helps you be in tune with them (ICA, 2020a).

• Reflect Back and Clarify What You Have Understood

We stay with empathy and allow the client the opportunity to express themselves fully. It can be helpful to reflect back or paraphrase what you have understood from what the client has shared about themselves, rather than their story. This enables the client to listen to their own words and use this as feedback. Reflecting back also allows the client to go more in-depth and agree or disagree with the reflections they are hearing. This helps the client to peel back the layers and go to the core of their beliefs (ICA, 2020b).

The empathy we show the client enables them to gain new awareness regarding their situation and can open up possibilities for new insights, which are a stepping stone for a change.

References

Bumard, P. (1988). Empathy is the key to understanding. The Professional Nurse 3(10).pp. 388-391
De Vries, D. A., &Kühne, R. (2015). Facebook and self-perception: Individual susceptibility to negative social comparison on Facebook. Personality and Individual Differences, 86, 217-221.
Diller, S. J., et al. (2021). How to show empathy as a coach: The effects of coaches’ imagine-self versus imagine-other empathy on the client’s self-change and coaching outcome. Current Psychology, 1-19.
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations. 7 (2): 117–140.
Humphrey, H. (2022). Empathy Magic – Empathic Listening. Accessed 15 May 2022.
ICA (2020a). Module: Active Listening. International Coaching Academy.
ICA (2020b). Module: Reframing Perspectives. International Coaching Academy.
ICA (2020c). Module: Creating Trust. International Coaching Academy.
Neill, M. (2018). Creating the Impossible. Hay House Inc.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A language of life: Life-changing tools for healthy relationships. PuddleDancer Press.
Wheeler, L. (1966). Motivation as a determinant of upward comparison. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 1, 27-31.
Wiseman, T. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of advanced nursing. 23(6).pp. 1162-1167.
Zeus, P., &Skiffington, S. (2000). The complete guide to coaching at work. McGraw Hill Professional.