Self-Application
Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing. Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves
If we approach the unknown with curiosity, then the unknown blossoms before us.
This curiosity can be applied toward people to light the way toward more compassion, and toward our stance toward our lives, careers, and futures, to unblock our inner turmoil and unleash our innate creativity.
- Compassion: Whomever it is, if we turn a curious heart toward them, open to the story of their life, see them as a fellow human being, we could learn to love them with a compassion we never knew we had. And it all starts with curiosity.
- Creativity: Whatever we may fear in achieving our purpose in life – whether it be of failure, loss, rejection, of shame and ridicule by others as a result, or even success and the pressures of it – often we build up such a certainty of looming danger that we become paralyzed. Curiosity loosens us up and shows us that the future is in fact unknown, a blank canvas, for better or for worse – and allows us to separate the entangled morass of fears in our minds from the reality that life is unfolding, a co-creation between our own creativity and the forces beyond.
Compassion
If a mother looked at her child’s future with curiosity, rather than certainty about what her child should be, she might see a child who has a talent for dancing rather than a child with ADHD; she might let her child play and resolve her own battles, with guidance and comfort, which allows her child a chance to learn how to fend for herself and feel empowered while being supported, rather than stepping in to fight her child’s battles for her and never allowing her child to know how to do so herself, unknowingly reinforcing insecurity; she might believe in her child rather than the specifics of her child’s future, wonder with a light heart and an open mind how her child’s future will unfold, rather than worry over the specifics of her child’s career or partnering choices.
If we approached those who frustrate us with curiosity, rather than certainty about what kind of awful person they must be, we might be open to the possibility that we don’t know the full story, we might approach this person with an open heart and willingness to believe there is more than meets the eye. It could be our boss, sibling, parent, colleague, child’s teacher. What would happen if we stepped back and approached this person with a researcher’s curiosity. What do they like? What do they not like? What’s that person’s story?
There isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love once you’ve heard their story, said Mary Lou Kownacki.
With curiosity, we might not take what this person is saying or doing so personally. Whomever it is, if we turn a curious heart toward them, open to the story of their life, see them as a fellow human being, we could learn to love them with a compassion we never knew we had. Our curiosity changes the energy of the interactions, opening up the possibility of a transformed relationship – and thus changes the outcome.
On the flip side, if we approached those who awe us with curiosity, rather than certainty about how amazingly wonderful they or their lives must be, we might be open to the possibility that this person is a fellow human being, with flaws and pain we haven’t seen. With curiosity, we might not plunge headlong into worship of another human being, only to be sorely disappointed down the line – but rather, pace ourselves to discover another person one layer and dimension at a time. With curiosity, we might not compare ourselves with those who seem ‘better’ than us somehow, and thus feel worse about ourselves. Our curiosity might even open a doorway to connection with this person as a real human being – and thus change an otherwise imbalanced relationship.
If we approached our intimate partners and family members with curiosity, rather than certainty about how they must be since we believe we know them so well, we might give the seemingly impossible benefit of the doubt that there could be more to the story, that it’s not that he doesn’t care, but that his upbringing and life experience has given him a certain way of coping with the world that does not allow him to accept certain things or express his care in the ways you desire; or that there are times when you accept that you will never fully understand, but as your family, that you were willing to accept the way they are, perhaps with some distance, but with curiosity, staying open to the day that, even if it will be an intense journey, that the willingness to be open will carry you through to true connection. After all, both curiosity and acceptance of another person are some of the most loving gifts we can offer another person.
Creativity
If we approached our careers with curiosity, rather than a need for certainty about how quickly we need to feel successful or secure, or where we are at in relation to our peers, we might allow ourselves the space to explore our sense of purpose and meaning, our strengths, and what kinds of things we want out of life. With curiosity, we might be willing to step into the unknown, to let our intuitive sense of joy and purpose lead us to the next step in our careers that we will find meaningful, best contributes our talents to the world, and affords us the lives and relationships we want. With curiosity, we might give up living other people’s “right” life in order to begin building our “right” life.
If we approached our endeavors with curiosity, we would not fear failure nor success. Whatever we may fear – talking to strangers, dating, public speaking, taking a step toward that dream we’ve held onto dearly; or the pressures of success – often we build up such a certainty of looming danger, of failure, loss, rejection, of shame and ridicule by others as a result, that we become almost certain of it! We are paralyzed with fear, even before anything has happened.
With curiosity, we might step out of fear and take comfort in the realization that the future is unknown – so it is not certainly bad, and will likely be a curious combination of beauty and pain. With curiosity, we might not wallow in the pain of failure (though some bad feelings at first are normal!), but rather reconnect with our vision and know that whatever is worthwhile is still there to pursue, even if through a different route, even if it takes embarking on more learning, and is not an indictment of who we are as people – because who we are as people is evolving along with the journey. With curiosity, we may also not fear success, that we can’t handle the spotlight, the pressure, because with curiosity, we are looking forward to who we evolve into as a person, the one that life equips with hard lessons that will become useful when that success is reached.
Coaching Application
People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds. Carl Rogers
Approaching our clients with curiosity rather than certainty is fundamental to what we offer as coaches – the gift of a neutral, compassionate, and creative space that gives our clients the opportunity to explore in ways that they don’t get to do in other relationships.
It is precisely because it is difficult for clients to find that neutral space to explore and discover the right options for their own life. Most people walk around unaware of the colored lenses they wear. Some people in the client’s life may be ‘certain’ they know what is right for the client, or are in relationships with the client where they have an emotional stake in the client’s life decisions. Curiosity about the future, rather than ‘should’s’ or fear or other forms of certainty, is rare.
Yet curiosity is a daily and momentary practice, especially for coaches. When we see a client heading into what seems to us a dead end, because it is something that we have encountered in our own lives, can we be ‘certain’ about this and tell our clients so? What does it take for us to stay in ‘curiosity’, see our own fears and life experience, and set them aside, holding the space for the client to make her own choices and craft her own life? Can we be curious about our own well-intentioned impulses to protect the client? Can we stay curious about the outcomes of the client’s life?
Another scenario could be that, as coaches, we get wrapped up in the stories our clients tell, and we may form opinions about characters in that story, and find ourselves forming a ‘certainty’ around what the client should or shouldn’t do in response. We begin directing the client’s life instead of remaining open to hearing the client’s own assessment and holding the space as the client arrives at her own conclusions – even if different from what we would do. Can we remain curious about different possibilities in the client’s exploration? Our attitude of curiosity – the lightness, the openness – is in itself a gift to our clients, because in simply shifting the attitude, the perspective can shift, and the answer becomes clear. The client hears her own voice and has arrived at her own conclusions.
There are also times when what the client says or does simply rubs us the wrong way. This is also an opportunity to practice curiosity. When we can see our own feelings of discomfort, we can be curious about them, explore where they are coming from.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. Carl Jung.
According to Edward T. Hall’s iceberg model, our surface reactions actually stem from a much deeper set of experiences and values. As such, when a client triggers us negatively, we can become curious about what’s below the iceberg within ourselves, rather than move into either blame of the client or blame of ourselves. Through curiosity, we can explore and understand our own emotional reactions more, which is essential to our practice as a coach.
Staying curious as coaches can also apply to the ways we evaluate our own ‘performance’ as coaches. We may easily become ‘certain’ that we failed because the client did not come to a ready conclusion at the end of our coaching session, and we may even conclude that the client may never want to come back, and that would be evidence of our lousiness as a coach. Conversely, there could also be times when we become ‘certain’ at how awesome we are as coaches – although it is wonderful to affirm oneself and celebrate each step, there could be instances when we have internalized the positivity to an extreme and need to feel ‘certain’ about how great we are that we ignore opportunities to learn. We become so supreme and so ‘not taking things personally’, emanating such absolute confidence that the client may not even feel comfortable sharing feedback, which we don’t invite because we are focused on projecting ‘certainty’ and confidence, and this could harm trust in the coaching relationship. Either way, staying in curiosity about who we are and what we do as coaches will empower us to reflect on our ‘performance’ in a healthy, balanced way, taking note of both what we are good at and what we can improve – and not taking either too personally.
Cultivating Curiosity
So we want to cultivate curiosity, but how?
Mindfulness
It all starts with mindfulness, the practice of focusing our awareness on the present moment, while observing, acknowledging, and accepting our thoughts, bodily sensations, what’s around us. It is often accompanied by deep diaphragmatic breathing.
It is at the foundation of cultivating a curious mind that is open to unfolding – by being aware of what thoughts of ‘certainty’, what emotions are arising, what tensions are building in the body, and releasing these, to invite in that place of curiosity.
There is plenty of literature on mindfulness, so I will just include one article and video clip: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition
Mindfulness of Thoughts
1) Byron Katie’s 4 questions from “The Work” is important as well. When you are feeling strong negative emotions about your future, yourself, or another person, write the negative-inducing thought down, then ask yourself the 4 questions:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
Then turn the thought around and find three specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true for you.
2) David Burns’ “Feeling Good” also lists common cognitive distortions that keep us in ‘certainty’ about how awful things are:
- All or nothing thinking. Tendency to evaluate your personal qualities in extreme black white categories. Life is not completely one way or the other.
- Overgeneralization. Arbitrarily conclude that one thing that happened to you once will occur over and over. Pain of rejection is generated almost entirely from overgeneralization.
- Mental filter. Dwell on a negative detail exclusively.
- Disqualifying the positive. “they’re just being nice” “it was nothing really” “it was a fluke it doesn’t count”
- Jumping to conclusions. Arbitrarily jump to a negative conclusion that is not justified by facts of situation.
- Magnification and minimization– either blow things out of proportion or shrink them. Magnification of faults and minimization of strengths
- Emotional reasoning- take emotions as evidence of truth. Feel like crap, must be that I am.
- Should statements – coulda woulda should bring pressure and resentful
- Labeling and mislabeling – extreme form of overgeneralization “measure of man is by mistakes he’s made”
- Personalization – mother of guilt! Assume responsibility for a negative when no basis for i
It is helpful to question the thoughts in your mind that force you to be certain in a negative way – and once your attitude opens up, you are able to be back in curiosity about your future, yourself, other people, and see the ways it’s all unfolding.
3) We often approach a new endeavor with the attitude of “I/it must be perfect before I start” and therefore never take action – and yet taking action is a big step in moving toward our goals in the first place. How about going into it with curiosity about what it will become? Art, creativity, life – it’s all an experiment. It’s just research. Everything in life is a first draft. With experiments, research, first drafts, we expect things to be unexpected, we expect to be learning while doing, we expect to be taking note of what worked and what didn’t work, then tweaking. How would this stance of curiosity change the way you approach your new endeavor?
Mindfulness of Emotions
- Observe your emotions as waves. See when they are rising, climaxing, falling. Name your emotions. This will help us stay curious about our emotions, whether strongly negative or positive, rather than believing our emotions completely. When we are curious, we can step outside a bit to observe ourselves in an emotional state, and calm ourselves through it. Curiosity also helps us see ourselves more clearly – what triggers us, what happens when we’re triggered. The first step is curiosity.
- Renowned life coach Martha Beck spoke of “love more, care less”, discussing how sometimes in an effort to protect someone, we actually become too certain of what they should be doing. She gives the example of a domestic abuse victim whose family wants her to leave him straightaway. There are reasons why she cannot, but they refuse to listen; they are certain she is headed for doom if she stays in that relationship. Her family’s ‘certainty’ about her situation in fact blocks her ability to confide in them, which makes her feel even more disconnected and alone than ever. Instead, what if her family could become curious about how she actually feels? How would this in fact be even more loving than telling her what they think is ‘certainly’ right.
Enneagram
Studying your enneagram type’s patterns is very useful in cultivating curiosity. The enneagram provides a roadmap to understanding your dominant survival strategy and the most common ways you might cultivate too much ‘certainty’ such that they become roadblocks in your ability to stay open and curious to unfolding. We each have our particular set of thought patterns that sometimes serve us and sometimes obstruct us. The enneagram provides one of the most accurate roadmaps that will help us identify what’s blocking us and come back to curiosity.
Reflection
- What relationships in my life would benefit from more curiosity, less certainty?
- Think of a project that you’ve been playing around with in your mind, something you’ve wanted to start but have been waiting on, only toying with in your mind. What would happen if you told yourself “It’s just an experiment, a first draft, research – I’m curious what would happen”?
- How would your interactions with colleagues and the steps you take in your career benefit from more curiosity?
- What are some ways you can cultivate curiosity on a daily basis, from encounters with strangers in cafes or on the road, to your reactions to the unexpected?
- In what ways would cultivating a curious mindset in pondering your future be helpful?
- In what ways could you cultivate more curiosity about yourself?