Is this true …that my client is unhappy with me, which is why he cancelled our next session? I may be in a state of mind where I say to myself “yes, it must be true that he is unhappy with me and our sessions because I know him – he never cancels coaching sessions and is 100% committed to the process.
Can I absolutely know that this is true? No. And I don’t have any real evidence. I experienced a reaction from receiving the email, which triggered an emotion, a feeling of insecurity and fear that I have within me.
In this example, the truth is: The client cancelled subsequent coaching sessions. That’s it – end of story. Any actions taken in alignment with this truth (perhaps simply calling the client and asking what’s going on) will now come from a place of power.
The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think, to a large extent, creates the emotions that you feel. See the link between your thinking and your emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.
Eckhart Tolle
Take time during the course of a day to write down any thoughts that generate even the slightest feeling of anxiety, fear or negativity within you. Notice if this is a recurring thought. Apply the questioning process until you are sure you are working with a fact or if it is, indeed, a baseless story you’ve been telling yourself.
Depending on the information, you may want to ask yourself:
Use this as an opportunity to tell yourself a new and accurate story. Creating and using positive affirmations can be helpful in replacing old and inaccurate thoughts.
Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think, to a large extent, creates the emotions that you feel. See the link between your thinking and your emotions.
Eckhart Tolle
Reflection
Coaching Application
When we talk about “Facts” as it relates to coaching clients, we are delving into the content of accumulated thoughts and beliefs. If we are not alert and aware, we can easily and automatically accept data or information clients tell us as if it were factual.
As a coach, you are always engaged in the process of actively listening to information expressed from the clients’ perspective. They share with you what’s going on with co-workers, bosses, a spouse or partner, child or close friend. It’s extremely easy to get caught up, buy-into or become “seduced” by the “stories” clients tell you (especially when there is an element of drama) without ever challenging the validity or origin of the data.
Coaching is about raising awareness. Helping clients to identify even the smallest scripts from their internal dialogue, assumptions they make about situations or people or information they are simply repeating (having heard from someone else) and then assisting them by stepping back, taking time to question and challenge those “stories” that are told as “facts” is extremely impactful.
Listening for definite, all-encompassing statements or broad terminology can help to identify areas that need further validation:
Here are a few simple examples of this dialogue:
Client: I’m devastated. I am totally broke and have no money.
Coach: I am so sorry to hear this. You’re saying that you have no money at all. Is this true?