Another implication: Since many people believe empathy and sympathy are twin sisters, they also think if you do not wish to offer sympathy, then you have to sacrifice your empathy. You have to become numb.
All of these ideas… are incorrect and hence its important to have a clear understanding of each of these terms.
When you have a good understanding of the fact that empathy and sympathy are related phenomena but they go in separate boxes, you can learn to have empathy without always having sympathy, and you take your people skills to the next level. Sympathy and empathy are separate terms with some very important distinctions. Sympathy and empathy are both acts of feeling, but with sympathy you feel for the person; you’re sorry for them or pity them, but you don’t specifically understand what they’re feeling. It takes imagination, work, or possibly a similar experience to get to empathy. Empathy is feeling with the person.
Notice the distinction between feeling for and feeling with. To an extent you are placing yourself in that person’s place, have a good sense of what they feel, and understand their feelings to a degree. It may be impossible to be fully empathetic because each individual’s reactions, thoughts and feelings to any event are going to be unique. Yet the idea of empathy implies a much more active process. Instead of feeling sorry for, you’re sorry with and have clothed yourself in the mantle of someone else’s emotional reactions.
Self Application
There is not a single waking moment in our every day lives where we do not need to apply this learning.
There are innumerable such situations. Every day. Every waking moment.
Application in Coaching
Every coaching context is about clients stating a problem or a challenge they want resolved. Its at the coaching table because its troubling them so. Sometimes the feelings are of deep inadequacy about something they just cannot do, deep anger at being treated unfairly, a feeling of emptiness at a relationship going southwards. As a coach its extremely important for us to learn to differentiate.
It comes easy and sometimes instinctive to sympathize. This is where a coach can go horribly wrong and end up doing things that do not belong in the coaching realm – offer suggestions, offer help, offer tips, strategies etc. Also offer sound bites like
I can completely understand what you are going through
and so on without investing in getting the deep understanding.
It is not easy to Empathize, but it is not difficult either. It needs investing time, hard work, imagination and being genuinely interested in the other person. But this is where a coach can make the difference between being powerful and ordinary, between being effective and ineffective. Attempting to be empathetic means trying to understand the context in its entirety – situations, statements, feelings, emotions, the view of the world through his eyes.
Ask the following questions.
- What is your situation making you feel?
- How is it impacting you ? How is it impacting others?
- What is your view of why you are in this situation?
- What would the situation look like if this is addressed ? Is that something that you deeply desire?
- What is preventing you from addressing this? What’s holding you up and why?
Reflections
- In our attempt to Empathize without feeling sorry for the client, is it possible that we may get a little too clinical and synthetic as a coach and cloak ourselves in the façade of calling it objective?
- Sometimes its possible that you feel sorry for the person without understandng his context. Is that feeling helpful? If yes how does a coach express this feeling without offering suggestions or help? If no, how can a coach manage his own emotions and be effective in that session?
- Do people really want sympathy or empathy?
- In sympathizing, when you are only feeling for someone, does it make them feel lonely in their distress?
- Consider situations in daily life that you face every day that calls for you to share your feelings. Do you normally sympathize or empathize