A Coaching Power Tool By Peter Verbansky, Life Coach, UNITED STATES
Getting vs. Giving: From GETTING to GIVING Reframing a Client’s Perspective in a Utilitarian World
The FlipIt Framework provides an incredible arsenal of power tools to reframe a client’s perspective from a disempowering position to one that allows them to get unstuck and move forward. The four-step process for change first illuminates the problem, issue, or challenge, asks for reflection on how it feels to be in the problem, considers the current perspective that holds the client stuck or prevents them from moving forward, and then “flips it” to an opposing, more powerful and substitute perspective that enables a client to consider alternative approaches to solving the original challenge.[1]
Albert Einstein is well known for his quote about changing perspective:
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.[2]
The FlipIt process gently pushes clients out of a frame of mind that prevents solutions from springing forth, but it also powerfully challenges perceived truths a client may have inadvertently established or cemented regarding the problem in the first place. The simple question of “what if…” essentially breaks the pattern of learned acceptance, forcing a person to see the challenge from a brand new, empowering, and hopefully full of possibility point of view.
From Getting vs. Giving
As I reflect on almost three decades of managing people at various levels of an organization, individuals who have adopted a giver’s mindset have typically been promoted up the ranks, often climbing from positions as lowly as temporary contractors to the esteem of upper or senior management roles within surprisingly short timeframes. They found ways to do more without expectation in return, whether it was contributing at meetings, solving new problems, assisting by performing more than their role may require from them, or just doing what they’ve been hired to do without constant reminders nor accolades.
On the other hand, those who struggled, missing out on opportunities for advancement, or earning rates of pay that only disappointingly increased through cost-of-living adjustments, typically waited to be told to do something, always expected a pay change or better titles first and before doing more, and drew strict lines between what the job description commanded and what they did in return. For them, every opportunity was scrutinized to ensure that any additional giving they would be asked to do is compensated accordingly. No opportunity was ever considered to simply be something to do, try, or even just be used as a proving ground.
My corporate experience has taught me that the most powerful mindset to hold onto, whether we are looking to be hired, promoted, celebrated by peers, or believed by colleagues, is to change our focus from finding ways to get what we want and instead embrace and aggressively look for opportunities to give others what they want. The simple flip of turning “getting” to “giving” has not only helped me climb the ranks professionally over the years, but it enabled me to overcome my fear of speaking in public, to confidently negotiate and resolve conflicts both personal and professional, to strengthen relationships whether romantic, familial, or social, and to be the kind of individual who others are happy to hear from and have as part of their lives.
Socially, those who were always invited to get-togethers had a date to enjoy an evening out or have a choice of “plus ones”, or those who were greeted with smiles and warm embraces found ways to be desirable to others without being disingenuous or inauthentic. They found methods to give to others instead of desperately craving to get things for themselves out of the situation. Those who felt alone usually waited to be asked, to be approached, to be considered, to be heard, or to be understood. Salesmen exceeding goals were fun to be around, while those who barely earned reorders from existing customers radiated desperation and doubt.
In the end, no matter if it was occupational, personal, social, familial, or relational, the individuals who considered and acted in accordance with what they could give usually received what they wanted, while those who fixated first on what they would gain hobbled along and often missed the mark or fell short of success. This isn’t as much a “secret formula for success” as it is a simple truth about our utilitarian nature. As the old salesperson’s joke quips: “Everyone’s favorite radio station is WiiFM”[3], or “What’s in it for me FM”. It’s a natural tendency we all share, and successful people understand, embrace, and look for ways to satisfy this natural need in all of us. Those who fail, forget that what they want most out of any situation is exactly what others do as well.
Giving Leads to Getting
Many wants, wishes, desires, and even dreams for tomorrow involve other people in some capacity. Considering Paul J. Meyer’s “Wheel of Life”[4], most of the key areas he considers when assessing a person’s overall satisfaction with life are heavily subject to the reactions or interactions between people, from an ability to earn money, to family matters, a social life, relationships, and even overall livelihood. At the core of each of these key areas is a scale that measures contribution, seesawing gently between a person getting the things they desire and giving what others require in return.
If a person wants a job that pays well, they must find a way to provide an equal measure of value in return by contributing their unique talent, skills, or abilities in a manner their employer wants and is both willing and able to pay for. They must give value to receive it in return. A person seeking an incredible family, romantic, or social life needs to find ways to connect with others in a manner that the other person appreciates and desires, and reciprocation naturally flows in return. Even great conversationalists allow the other person to do most of the talking, by encouraging the other person to speak freely through inspiring questions, echoed emotion, and an incredibly focused presence.
In his book Building a StoryBrand: Clarify Your Message So Customers Will Listen, Donald Miller explains that
every human being wakes up each morning and sees the world through the lens of a protagonist. The world revolves around us, regardless of how altruistic, generous, and selfless a person we may be.[5]
Additionally, whenever organizations relate to that customer’s inner frustrations and clearly explain how their product or service solves that turmoil through testimonial proof on how it has already solved it for others, they ultimately succeed in sales. By effectively tipping the scale of contribution to present their marketing as the giver of a desired solution, the business succeeds where many competitors often struggle and eventually fail.
In Luke 6:31-35 (Holy Bible: New International Version) we read that we should “do to others as you would have them do to you… love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great.”[6]This “Golden Rule” was proclaimed by Jesus of Nazareth during his Sermon on the Mount and characterized as the second great commandment.[7] At its core, it is about giving first without concern about what we get in return, simply using our own preference on what we would want to receive if the situation was reversed.
Flipping Getting vs. Giving
The late motivational speaker Zig Ziglar shared that
you can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.[8]
When we help clients flip their perspective from what they are getting out of a situation to what they could potentially give into it, we allow them to move from a passive state of mind to something far more inspiring and action-orientated. Coaching is about getting unstuck, finding ways to act, and moving towards the things we want. Getting is by all definitions a result, passive and requires no action. Giving, on the other hand, cannot be accomplished without doing something or acting.
As we learned in our studies, “Coaching doesn’t happen without action. FlipIt finishes with a flipped perspective, and a list of actions to make sure the change occurs.”[9] When appropriate, challenging a client to list things they can do to give in response to whatever they desire will open a whole new perspective for them about how to best move forward and toward whatever outcome they ultimately wish to achieve.
Consider the job applicant desperately yearning to be hired into a posted position. Even the most naïve interviewee knows that any self-conceit would certainly backfire and destroy their chances of getting hired. Yet, as someone who has sat in the interviewer chair countless times, many candidates, even individuals working to be hired into higher-level positions, inquire about benefits, upcoming scheduled vacations they may have already booked, or other items best left for an administrative meeting with Human Resources. They are mostly curious about what they will get or gain while in the role, not so much about what they are being asked to do.
Conversely, the best candidates figuratively glow because they want to learn how to be of service within a prospective position defined by the hiring manager and not by their own assumptions about the role. They give respect by listening attentively and inquiring with absolute, focused interest. They genuinely inquire on how to best deliver results, not assuming what’s most important, but asking and answering appropriately. They give reassurance by clearly demonstrating how their experience directly applies to the role they are interviewing for, providing specific examples to remove any doubt. They give consideration for what an interviewer asks to know, not what they want to share as an interviewee and spend time clarifying key points. Their entire perspective comes from a place of giving and generosity, pushing away the end goal they ultimately wish to achieve of getting hired, and simply giving.
What About Me?
Time and again, the biggest criticism against flipping perspectives from getting to giving stems from a worry that a giver might not get in return. A coach must spend time exploring this paranoia because it typically is the overarching cause or reason why anyone feeling stuck with a utilitarian challenge involving other people cannot move forward. There is genuine, paralyzing fear that they will ultimately be left behind, bled dry emotionally and mentally, without any reward in return if they give without any guarantee of reciprocity. The coach must allow for deeper exploration into the cause of this core belief before it can effectively be applied to solving the problem at hand.
The intended objective of this process is to enable a client to see the challenge from a new, empowering perspective. That alone is a process. Once we see what’s also possible, we will likely unearth new feelings, perspectives, and beliefs that need to be addressed before the best plan forward can be identified and implemented.
References
[1]https://learnsite.icacoach.com/english-campus/flipit/
[2]https://www.azquotes.com/author/4399-Albert_Einstein/tag/problem-solving
[3]https://www.wyliecomm.com/writing-tips/persuasive-writing/wiifm/whats-in-it-for-me-quotes/
[4]https://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com/wheel-of-life-complete-guide-everything-you-need-to-know/
[5]https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/55576937-building-a-storybrand-clarify-your-message-so-customers-will-listen?page=1
[6]Luke 6:31-35 New International Version
[7]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule
[8]https://www.overallmotivation.com/quotes/zig-ziglar-quotes/
[9]https://learnsite.icacoach.com/english-campus/flipit/