Flip the Saboteurs

Avoider

You want life to always be easy, pleasant, and enjoyable. You avoid things that are unpleasant, difficult, or afraid of. You have a tendency to procrastinate and to stay away from conflicts. As a result, problems may become bigger, and feelings of anxiety may creep in. You also feel bad for not getting things done, and you get frustrated with yourself, and your “laziness”.

Active

You are someone who takes action despite the discomfort. You face your fears, and accept that you will feel nervous, anxious, bored, challenged, and/or scared for a while. Ironically, once you get active, your confidence increases, you start feeling successful, and it becomes easier for you to do and continue doing. The danger or threat may even become a non-issue.

Controller

You like to be in control because you feel things go better this way, outcomes improve, and in general, life is better. The need for control might be because we feel the need to show and prove ourselves, it’s faster and more efficient, or we think others won’t step up and do a good job. However, as a result, you find that other people pull back, become passive, and don’t show initiative or growth. Your influence on others actually becomes less. You might feel high levels of stress and work very hard to keep everything under control.

Letting go

By letting go, you become more relaxed, go with the flow, and allow spontaneity into your life. You leave room for others to come up with ideas and take action. Your relationships improve because you show that you trust others to also do a good job, get things done, and have valuable ideas. You become more accepting of their faults and imperfections. You accept that things might go “wrong”, but that there is also opportunity and growth in failure. And you go even a step further to realize that just because people do things differently doesn’t mean they are “wrong”. You accept that there are more ways of doing things.

Hyper Achiever

Your worth and identity are tied to what you achieve. Only when you succeed do you love and accept yourself. When you fail, you experience failure as a blow to your identity. Your motto is “When I achieve X then I will be happy.” But when you get to X there is already a new goal to go after and happiness is always fleeting. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to succeed. As a result, you might have high levels of stress and anxiety and feel mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Others around you will feel ignored and that it’s all about you and your goals. 

Being

Instead of only focusing on the outcome, you enjoy the process. You ride the wave and learn to relax, and check in with yourself regularly. Instead of achieving, your focus is on being. You are present, at the moment, and are mindful of what your body and emotions are telling you (which might be to slow down). You redefine what success and failure mean to you in order to allow you to enjoy the process of learning. Your relationships also improve as you are more present for those around you. Ironically, your performance will improve as you work smarter instead of harder, and you’re able to set priorities for yourself.

Hyper Rational

You believe that your rational mind always knows best. Emotions just get in the way of making good decisions. However, your rational approach can be off-putting to others. You struggle in your relationships to empathize with others, acknowledge their feelings, and connect with them at a deeper level. Others might think you are cold, arrogant, and intellectually superior. They don’t feel heard or seen by you. You also struggle to identify your own emotions, feeling numb. As a result, you may not experience intense happiness or joy.

Feeling

You realize that even though the rational brain is a powerful tool, it’s only one side of yourself. Humans are messy, irrational, and emotional beings, and there is beauty in this authenticity and imperfection. Connecting with your own emotions will allow you to respond better to conflicts, deepen your relationships, and understand others better. Ironically, your decisions and actions will improve as you take into account what others are feeling, and you are able to empathize with them more. Your own life becomes “richer” as you allow your emotions to be more present.

Hyper Vigilant

You are someone who is overly cautious, sees danger everywhere, and tries to plan for it. You generally feel quite anxious and are focused on what could go wrong. Your anxiety might influence your relationships with others, by crying “wolf” or by making others feel anxious as well. You struggle between making distinctions between real, big dangers and smaller, non-dangerous situations. When the danger does present itself, you are too tired to see it and/or react adequately to it.

Careful and Carefree

Having some sense of vigilance is good, but it should be balanced with an understanding that unexpected things will happen, and it is impossible to plan for every risk. You accept that “bad” things will happen, but perhaps they aren’t so bad and are really opportunities to learn something, to grow, to connect with others, etc. You learn to accept what’s happening without judging whether it’s good or bad. You don’t want to feel anxious and worried all the time, instead, you choose a more carefree and accepting attitude which will reduce your anxiety and help you relax. As you are fully present to what is happening (instead of worrying about what ifs) it will be easier for you to spot actual danger.

People Pleaser

You do things for others because you want to be liked by others. You think that you will only get love and happiness by putting others first. You say YES to everything and tend to ignore your own boundaries, wants, and needs. Others may experience you as fake and when you’ve gone past your limits you might feel others are taking advantage of you, becoming irritable and resentful, negatively impacting your relationships.

In Partnership

In a partnership, there is open communication about the wants and needs of both people. You express your boundaries and respect those of others. You address challenges and conflicts. You realize that sometimes the needs of a person are actually that you do not help them or intervene. You don’t have this constant desire to be liked, you feel confident with who you are. You do things for others because you want to. You want to serve, no strings attached, and nothing is expected in return. Love and acceptance start with the self.

Restless

You feel like to live fully you have to try and do many things. You’re constantly looking for the next thing that’s more interesting than your current situation. The grass is always greener on the other side. The flip side to this is that you’re never fully present. Others realize that you don’t commit and may start distancing themselves from you. You end up doing lots of different things, but nothing really well, nor do you focus on what really matters.

Grounded

When you feel the urge to shift focus, you take that as an opportunity to really savor the moment and look for opportunities to explore and reflect on the present situation. When you’re grounded, you are fully present and aware of what is going on around you. You know where you are at, you are accepting of your situation, or you are carefully considering what next your steps might be. Your frame of mind is calm and thoughtful. You are able to focus on what’s important and choose quality over quantity. Your performance and relationships improve as you start investing in yourself and in others.

Stickler

You think that perfection is necessary for your life for you to achieve happiness. The more imperfect things there are, the more anxiety you experience. The problem you’re having is that this means that you are spreading yourself thin. You’re spending too much time on things that don’t need to be perfect. As a result, you spend less time on the things that do deserve your full attention. Life feels messy and other people irritate you because they are not up to your standards. You focus on things that go wrong, and that isn’t perfect. Your anxiety and perfectionism may affect others by them feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around you; that everything they do isn’t good enough. They might stop trying and pull back from you.

Accepting and Appreciating

You accept that some things do not need to be perfect; that life is sometimes messy, and that’s OK. There is even perhaps beauty in the imperfection. Your drive for perfectionism is used for the things that really matter. You have more energy, are more relaxed, and you feel less anxious. Others notice this about you and also become more relaxed in your presence. They enjoy being with you and feel freer to be themselves and make mistakes. Instead of being irritated with other peoples’ standards, you’re appreciative of their efforts.

Victim

You feel life is unfair and feel sorry for yourself. By telling yourself you are powerless, have no choice, you are a victim of circumstance; you try to soothe your pain this way. Complaining about life/others might also be a way of getting attention from others because you desperately want love and connection. You feel intensely and struggle not to be consumed and paralyzed by your emotions.

Empowered

You realize that in any circumstance you still have a choice, and you aren’t powerless. You actually have many skills, talents, strengths, and experiences that you can tap into. It’s a matter of focusing on what is working in your life and doing more of that. You accept what life gives you and try to find a gift or opportunity in a situation. Your ability to feel deeply helps you connect with others without losing yourself in the process. Unconditionally loving yourself is key.