A Coaching Power Tool By Alexandra Jimenez, Career Coach, SWITZERLAND
Overcoming Fear vs. Presence
In many life situations, we find ourselves having to decide something, willing to make a change, motivated to try something new, or even wanting to stop doing something, and then the usual ‘but’ kicks in. There is an uncomfortable feeling that starts creeping in, it may delay our actions and even cause pain. If we look closely at what it is, we can honestly say it is fear.
In his book, “The power of Now”, Eckhart Tolle describes in detail how fear can steal our life. We tend to confuse our ‘life situation’ with our life. Life is, as he explains, our ‘here and now,’ it is our presence in the actual moment. Fear instead is an illusion of the future that quite often will only ever happen in our imagination. Presence instead is an elevated level of consciousness that serves us better, it offers peace and the joy we need for our life to be more fulfilled.
What Is Human Fear vs. Presence
Fear
Fear can be identified as an emotional reaction to the perception of danger, in that sense, it has served us and continues to serve its purpose to humankind and other animal species as well. It can be helpful when there is a dangerous situation that requires quick decision-making to protect our physical integrity, such as moving away if something is approaching quickly to hit us or moving away from fire.
In the context of coaching, the fear we most commonly observe is a feeling that is not only uncomfortable but can be frustrating and painful. If we allow it to stick with us for long, it can make us feel stuck, either unable to stop something or unable to do something, in either case, it gets in the way of us moving forward.
Fear is the uncertainty of the unknown and it is about our perception of a time that does not even exist yet in the future. Fear is based on stories that we create for ourselves based on perceptions that we have in our minds or we have let others plant in our minds willingly or not.
Over time fear can paralyze us because it leaves us with a narrow perspective of reality, in fact, more than 80% of the scenarios that our mind imagines or projects in the future never become true; yet we are capable of allowing our fears to hold us back from what is important for us, to keep moving towards our dreams or try to get closer to it. “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened,” Mark Twain once wrote.
How do we often experience fear? We often have first a physical reaction such as sensations in our body for example the heart accelerates, our hand sweat, our voice breaks, or trembles. We then have a mental reaction where thoughts associated with that physical reaction start popping up quickly, we may identify thoughts like “I will fail” “I cannot succeed” “I will never get there” and many more. Those thoughts may be conscious or may remain unconscious but, in all cases, create a push back and hold us back.
Presence
Presence is about “acceptance of what is in the present moment” according to Tolle, it is about tuning in our senses to what is happening around us while having the ability to keep the distance between what is happening and who we really are and what we really want.
Listening, observing, smelling, even touching, and tasting can help us understand and experience what are we going through. All the input that our senses provide is neurologically important in transmitting information to our brain, our brain learns about the present moment and helps us make decisions. A decision may be to deal with the situation we are in, or it could be to take distance and deal with it later, or it may be not to take any action at all.
Recent discoveries in neuroscience have opened a new field, which looks at how we process our thoughts and emotions through not only our five senses but through all perceptions internally from our bodies. What is new about this concept is that now it is known that the process of collecting information happens not only through the traditional five senses (touch, sight, taste, auditive, smell) collecting information from our external world. Additionally, there are two additional senses:
- self-perception is related to how the brain interprets our body posture which has an influence on areas such as memory and concentration, and
- inner perception, related to how the brain constantly perceives and analyzes what our main organs are doing (intestine, heart, lungs).
What is wonderful about these studies is that they are telling us that the brain always gives priority to the inner perception over the externally oriented senses. Increasing our presence will teach us how to be more receptive, identify better and respond to what our inner self is capturing and processing. Presence is about accepting the energy around us as it is, and consciously making use of “the space” between what happens and what we really want to do or not do.
On a higher level of presence, we can then let our intuition be louder. Our actions, if needed, will be coming from a place of consciousness, not from a place of fear or reaction. This awareness allows us to identify and give priority to our self-perception and inner perception. In turn, our brain would be more connected to the present moment, and we would be more empowered to make better choices in the present moment rather than worrying about the future.
How do we often experience presence?
The body whispers, sometimes screams when we find ourselves in dangerous situations, but it generally whispers. Our brain is not used to listen to these whispers, and therefore sometimes ignores them, however the body knows before what our mind will bring it to our consciousness. Nazareth Castellanos, El Espejo del cerebro (The brain’s mirror), April 2021
To experience presence in the best way possible we want to exercise spending time with ourselves, accepting and recognizing that we are unique and that the experience of presence is very individual. Our life experiences develop for each of us in a unique way, at the pace and deepness each one set for themselves. Activities such as breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, interacting with nature, and any other activities that invite us to stillness provide the context and ideal environment to start listening and observing ourselves. Openness to test and experience various options can be truly liberating results that with constant practice increases our presence levels and lowers our fears and disempowering reactions.
Benefits of Presence
Practicing presence is a powerful tool because it helps us first to be conscious, recognize the emotion of fear, and learn to link the physical experience with the emotion bringing the emotion to the surface and helping us manage it better.
Once our presence improves our consciousness of fear, we can really act as an observer of the emotion and separate what is really happening in the present moment versus what is a construction of our mind projected into the future, in other words, we create space between the emotion and the next step.
The next step indeed is to take a conscious decision or none, we would feel more empowered to change the perception of the present moment and change our thoughts, we can more consciously decide to be more here in the present, in other words, we will be better prepared to respond.
Elevated levels of presence help us to appreciate and experience the present moment in a more genuine way than if we are always trying to project what could happen in the future. Even if the present moment is not pleasant or even acceptable, our consciousness of it and acceptance places us in a better position to make a better decision about how to manage our fearful emotions.
Observing our fears and deciding to be present will liberate space that can be used to create new thoughts and new neuro paths that expand our perspective and focus our attention on the here and now. It is, after all, the present moment that can shape the future and not the other way around.
Personal Application
Presence is a state of being in which we can be more whole, more genuine, and ultimately more real, free of the pain of scenarios that may not even happen.
Practicing presence can transform someone’s life by choosing to live our lives and observing the mechanism of our mind that creates fear. When we experience psychological fear, it immediately takes us to the future with a negative outcome, therefore if we make the decision to resist it, we will be liberated.
Being open to the present moment, accepting it for what it is before acting, will give us a state of internal freedom that will not only be beneficial to ourselves but to the people, we interact with.
Application in Coaching
What makes coaching so powerful is that it is about how we are using our presence rather than asking the right question. by Marcia Reynolds, 2020
From the coach, perspective presence is one of the core skills. Coaches must free themselves from future-focused fears that may range from trying to ask a perfect question to how effective the coaching will be for the client, or a success rate, or fear of the client not implementing the changes identified in the coaching session. There must be no attachment to the application of the learnings on their client’s life, though their presence at the moment to be fully focused on what is happening with the client during the sessions is a key skill and a major responsibility.
The higher the level of presence from the coach the better able to perceive the client’s non-verbal communication, emotional shifts, and potential underlying beliefs. An elevated level of presence makes it possible for transformational coaching which happens when the coach can support the client to go deeper into the awareness of thought patterns, biases, and emotional filter tests. It leads the coaching to test assumptions and recognize avoidance[1].
Clients come to coaching often to try to find ways to set themselves free from perspectives that are holding them back, cutting their wings, keeping them trapped. These feelings may be fixed on their perspective of the past or the future. If the perspective is future-based, fear may be their companion. Helping the client by exploring the source of their fears and understanding how disempowering these may be, would help them create a new perspective, enjoy more their present moment, and make better decisions.
The coaching engagement focuses on self-observation and self-reflection where the coach holds the space and reflects back to the client. These interactions help the client to develop presence, help them be a reader of their own life situation, and separate it from who they really are and what they really want to achieve. In turn, this state of presence will abolish pain and will reveal other opportunities that may have not been considered by the client.
Coaching Fear vs. Presence
If fear is identified, what can we do to reinforce our presence? And, how to review the stories we have created for ourselves or that others have been creating in our minds about what the future could look like?
During the coaching sessions, the coach can ask the client questions that will help them reflect on the current situation versus the future.
Coaches can accompany the client in observation of the unlikelihood of the future scenario and discard fear.
Coaches can propose client observation exercises between sessions that may help them discover sources of future worries, in other words, fears of what may be getting in the way or are remaining unconscious.
Coaches can, through questions, invite clients to re-assess the current moment with the learnings of their observations and highlight shifts in their perspective. When fear is identified and once disempowered by presence, coaches may invite clients to reevaluate their current situation from a place of acceptance and start proposing actions or decisions. Note that not doing anything could be a valid outcome.
References
[Book] The power of now. A guide to spiritual enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle
[Book] El Espejo del Cerebro (The brain’s mirror), Nazareth Castellanos
[Book] Coach the Person, not the Problem, Dr. Marcia Reynolds