A Coaching Power Tool By Lori Penha, Life/Wellness Coach, UNITED STATES
Failure vs. Opportunity as a Coaching Tool
We all have had our ups and downs in life; that is just the way of life. Some of us seem to have more obstacles than others and then others have the golden touch. Some may think that upon hearing of another’s success, it is just luck. Some may think that person’s success happened overnight, not considering all the efforts taken place behind the scenes. This Power Tool is to even the playing field for everyone, at least in the way we think.
Definition of Failure vs. Opportunity
We all have a common characteristic: we all have experienced failure.
Failure
An act of proving unsuccessful; lack of success; nonperformance of something due, required, or expected; a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency; deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.; a becoming insolvent or bankrupt.(www.dictionary.com)
Unsuccessful. Nonperformance. Insufficiency. Decay. Bankrupt. All these words define and explain what failure is. It is an unexpected outcome with disappointing results. We get fired from a job. We say something that hurts a friend’s feelings. We try another diet but end up bingeing. We start a new business that ends up in bankruptcy. We get a failing grade in an important mid-term. What we do after we fail is what is important.
We all have experienced opportunities.
Opportunity
An appropriate or favorable time or occasion; a situation or condition favorable for the attainment of a goal; a good position, chance, or prospect, for advancement or success.(www.dictionary.com)
Favorable. Attainment. Good. Advancement. Success. An opportunity is an event that leads to anything positive. An opportunity leads to preferable outcomes. The outcome makes us very happy and excited. At a social event, we meet an employer who is looking for someone with our skills. An interview leads to a promotion. Travel excursion leads us to discover an amazing house for sale. Reading a book gives us a new idea of how to solve a problem. Going to an art class opens us up to a new hobby. At times opportunities come to the fortunate few. However, opportunities are everywhere! We just need to notice them move forward through a problem.
The Problem
The basic problem is that people can get stuck in a failure event. It impacts them at a profound level. A person can begin to ruminate on their failure and feel that it is a permanent thing. Someone might fail a class and then think they are overall a bad student. They cause an argument by saying something that sparked it, then believe they should never speak up in disagreement. Someone may not be selected for the basketball team in middle school, and forever think they are not good at any sport. They will always be insufficient, and the failure was all their fault. The failure may cause them to quit, stop trying anything new, and give up completely. This way of thinking about failures can lead to depression, anxiety, divorce, sickness, and suicide, among other things. According to statistics found at https://mindessential.net/depression-statistics/, depression affects 3.8 percent of the world’s population. This means around 280 million people suffer from depression! And over 700,00 people die by suicide per year. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among ages 15 to 29.
How a person thinks about a failure and its absoluteness of it is important. A person can be taught how to change or challenge their thinking. A person can be taught that negative thinking is a bad habit. I recently found myself in a negative thinking pattern and named it for what it was: a bad habit. I chose to change the habit. Therefore, I chose to create the Failure vs. Opportunity Power Tool.
A Solution to Consider
The solution I present here is that failures can open opportunities. It is how one thinks about failure that can lead to opportunities. What thought process can lead from being a prisoner of failure to thinking that it is a short-term setback that one can learn something? What thought process can lead someone from the feeling of disappointment to producing the next best action?
According to Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. in her book “Mindset, the New Psychology of Success,” people fall into two categories: the Fixed mindset and the Growth mindset.
(I have read the book and found it illuminating and use it as a coaching resource. For my purposes here, I summarize a poster (Gerard Aflague Collection – Growth Mindset Poster (Mindsets) describing the two mindsets for school children. I have this poster framed and hung where I can see it when I am at my computer. For me, it aptly simplifies the two mindsets. It is part of my morning meditation!) A fixed mindset is the belief that skills, intellect, and talents are set and unchangeable. A growth mindset is a belief that skills, intellect, and talents can be developed through practice and perseverance. People with a growth mindset are eager to learn new things and take risks, they figure out what can be done to improve, and they know that doing difficult things leads to improvement. They realize that they could use another strategy based on what was learned through mistakes, they recognize their own weaknesses and work to fix them, and they figure out what other talented people did to succeed. On the other hand, people with a fixed mindset stick to what they know because they think they are either good at something or not; there is no changing that. They think skills cannot be changed or improved, putting effort into something is a waste of time, it is easier to give up quickly, feedback is pointless, and others have it easier because they were born smart.
The Fixed mindset is the one that thinks all or nothing; I failed once, I will always fail. The Growth mindset looks for opportunities. This is what the power tool Failure vs. Opportunity will help clients with: getting into more of a“growth” mindset way of thinking.
Another point of view that I found relevant in developing my power tool is found in the book “Learned Optimism, How to Change Your Mind and Your Life,” by Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D. He points out the differences between optimists and pessimists. (Seligman, page 4) “The defining characteristic of pessimists is that they tend to believe unpleasant events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do, and are their own fault. The optimists, who are confronted with the same hard knocks of this world, think about misfortune in the opposite way. They tend to believe defeat is just a temporary setback, and that its causes are confined to this one case. The optimists believe defeat is not their fault: circumstances, bad luck, or other people brought it about. Such people are unfazed by defeat. Confronted by a tough situation, they perceive it as a challenge and try harder.” One could say here that pessimists are more likely to get mentally stuck in a failure event. And optimists look for the opportunity in the failure event. The Failure vs. Opportunity Power Tool will support and encourage the “optimistic” way of thinking.
Failure vs. Opportunity Application
Every client needs to come to the coaching session with a “growth mindset.” Additionally, being “optimistic” helps the client and coach with the coaching partnership. Near the end of my discovery interview with potential clients, I talk with them about my beliefs as a coach. I work in phrases like “You are the creator and artist of your life. You have all the resources within you to live your dream life.” And “I honestly believe that skills, intellect, and talents can be developed with practice and determination.” This introduces my coaching personality and helps me set a safe empowered environment to use my power tools.
The Following Is an Example of How to Use My Failure vs. Opportunity Power Tool
Jay came to coaching after being let go from another job. This was the second time in less than a year, six in the last few years. He felt like a complete failure, asking “Why does this always happen to me?” He was angry and resentful toward everyone involved. He reached out to be coached when he was deeply in job search mode. During the first session, he spent a long time explaining what happened at his last job. He was physically very rigid, and his face showed frustration, anger, and sadness. He was asked about what feelings came up when he was telling about the job loss. At first, he had a tough time and seemed embarrassed to discuss his feelings. Over a few sessions and after gentle coaxing from the coach, he was able to describe where he was feeling the tension in his body. When asked what feeling was causing the tension in his shoulders, after a considerable amount of time to think on this, he confessed he felt guilty about how he responded to his boss’s requests. Jay was asked what would have been a better way of responding to his boss. He thought about it for a long time and eventually produced extremely healthy and intelligent answers. Jay’s facial expression was that of “This doesn’t sound like me, but here goes.” He was not believing his ideas reflected who he was. The coach acknowledged to Jay that he just described how to respond differently to people in authority. The coach mirrored back to Jay his own ideas. Jay was asked how he felt when he heard his ideas repeated back to him. Next, he was asked what opportunities would be available when he imagined this new response. His eyes lit up! That moment of clarity? A road to thinking about the potential opportunities? Failure VS Opportunity! That moment when the client realizes they can learn to react differently for a better outcome. They discussed his role as an employee and what that meant to him. He was coming from a feeling of deficiency. He realized that when someone corrected him, to his mind they were telling him that he was not good enough and was going to get fired. So, he would respond defensively in anger when anyone corrected him. He had a belief that since he had been fired so many times before, this was the inevitable conclusion. He was able to clarify for himself that this thought was a lie, and he could change his perspective. Jay began to understand and question his thinking habits. He also came to understand that he indeed had a very pessimistic nature. He shared that as a child his family called him Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. He actively sought out ways to act and think more optimistically. He started to look for opportunities to change his thinking. In later sessions, he shared he was listening to podcasts and YouTube videos that were uplifting and motivating him to think more positively about himself and to question the negative “I’m always a failure” thoughts. He started to think about what he was grateful for while he was driving. Jay started eating healthier and drinking less caffeine, connecting with how his body felt. He felt happier and physically less stressed when he took care of his body. He also sought out therapy, challenging a belief he had held for a long time that asking for help was another failure. Jay’s thinking about failure has not been solved completely, and may never be, but now he recognizes when he is thinking in a “fixed mindset” or “pessimistic” way and chooses to think, then act differently.
Getting educated with the teachings of Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., and Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D. has helped me ask better questions. Questions I have picked up using the Failure vs. Opportunity Power Tool are listed below:
- How will this challenging thing ahead of you help you? What are the benefits of having this difficult discussion? What hard things have you already accomplished? How does that feel when you talk about the hard things you have accomplished?
- How does learning new things make you feel about yourself? When you realize you must learn something new, what happens to you?
- What does taking this risk tell you about yourself? How does taking this risk to feel for you? What could you think to yourself to make this risk exciting or less frightening?
- What are other ways to solve this problem? What other resources or strategies could you use to get the result you want?
- How can you make this negative feedback pay off for you? What added information did you gain from this feedback?
- What do you admire about this other coworker who got that promotion? What can you learn from their success?
- How can you use this experience as a potential for growth? Where is the potential opportunity here?
- What can you take control of here for a better outcome? What areas do you need to put more effort into? What is getting in the way of this commitment?
Potential Opportunities of Failure vs. Opportunity Power Tool
In creating the Failure vs. Opportunity Power Tool, I have gathered ideas and resources to help clients go from a failure event to understanding the potential opportunities that exist for them. Using the information by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. and Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D., this power tool maps out a “growth mindset” and “optimistic” thinking. It puts the information at my fingertips. a resource that I can refer to at any time.
Indeed, we all have difficulties in life; that is just the way of life. It is how we think after any failure, of any kind, small or devastating, that matters. There is always an opportunity to search out. The thinking comes first! Then we can do the next best thing for a better outcome.
References
https://www.dictionary.com
https://mindessential.net/Depression-Statistics/
“Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” by Carol S. Dweck, PH.D., Ballantine Books, Penguin Random House LLC, New York, 2006, 2016
Gerard Aflague Collection - Growth Mindset Poster (Mindsets
“Learned Optimism, How to Change Your Mind and Your Life,” by Martin E. P. Seligman, PH.D., Vintage Books, Random House, Inc., New York, 1990, 1998, 2006