A Coaching Power Tool By Alex Chu, Transformational Coach, TAIWAN
Failure vs. Lesson Definition
What is Failure?
The definition of failure is the inability to perform a duty or an expected action. We often have this feeling of failure when we are not able to meet the expectations either from others or from ourselves. Success, on the other hand, means the achievement of the desired outcome. Success and failure are, in a sense, a measurement of the result based on predefined standards, and are therefore purely objective. However, in a modern society that overemphasizes results over efforts, we tend to take the measurement of the result as a measurement of our self-worth, which could potentially create a dangerous self-defeating cycle.
The Impact of the “Failure” Perspective
People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them. – Epictetus
According to the model of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are interconnected in a self-reinforcing loop. Our thoughts determine how we feel, our feelings determine how we react, and our reactions lead to a result. Finally, the result will be interpreted by our mind, and the loop continues.
When the loop repeats itself enough times, some self-images may begin to form. Once these self-images grow strong, they will ultimately affect how a person thinks, feels, and interacts with the world. This loop can be a vicious cycle or a virtuous cycle, depending on how the results are interpreted and what meaning is given to the results. Let’s take a look at John’s story.
John took a lot of effort to prepare for a job interview. On the day of the interview, he gave his one hundred percent but unfortunately still didn’t get the job. He received some feedback from the interviewer on what he could work on to improve his presentation and communication skills. John sees this result as a failure. He felt frustrated and disappointed in himself. He came to the conclusion that he would never be able to get the ideal job he wanted, so gradually he spent less and less time preparing for other job interviews. It was not surprising that John failed to get other jobs, but the problem is that John will see the result of failing to get other jobs as evidence of his inability. Then, a downward spiral begins.
In the beginning, failure is just a result that can be openly interpreted. However, as our mind is set, it slowly becomes what we habitually look for in our daily life. If caution is not taken, it will sneakily blend in as a part of our identity. In other words, people get stuck in their own fixed negative self-images which prevent them from making meaningful changes. This status is similar to the concept of “Fixed Mindset” brought up by the well-known mindset researcher, Carol Dweck.
Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset
Since the 1980s, Carol’s research has been focused on the beliefs people hold (i.e. mindsets) and how these beliefs can affect their motivation, achievement, and well-being. She categorized beliefs about intelligence into two categories as below.
- Growth Mindset: the belief that intelligence can be developed, for example, through effort, good strategies, and input and mentoring from others
- Fixed Mindset: the belief that intelligence is fixed and unchangeable
Since intelligence is also a characteristic of self, these two mindsets are in a way beliefs about how people view themselves as changeable or unchangeable. I believe Carol’s research can shed some light on how self-image might affect the way we think, feel, and act from a scientific point of view.
Carol’s research has shown that a growth mindset can lead students onto taking on more challenges or adding persistence when facing setbacks; which can, for some students, affect their level of achievement. Other research has also shown that a fixed mindset can contribute to anxiety in adolescence; on the other hand, a growth mindset intervention can help alleviate anxiety and depression or help reduce the onset of depression among adolescents.
It is obvious and straightforward that having a growth mindset will lead to more positive motivation and behaviors compared to having a fixed mindset. The question is, how can we develop a growth mindset?
The “Lesson” Perspective
I have not failed. I’ve just found ten thousand ways that do not work. – Thomas Edison
When we focus on the result, it’s easy for us to become judgmental or critical of ourselves. We all have these painful moments when things didn’t go as expected and we saw it as a failure. However, if we can shift the focus to what we can learn from the process, it creates a feeling of “I can do better next time!” and provides motivation to prepare for the next challenges.
In a Stanford Commencement Speech, Oprah Winfrey shared how she dealt with failure. When things go wrong, she always asks herself “What is this here to teach me?” As soon as she gets the lesson, she moves on. This attitude has helped her overcome a lot of difficulties and find ways to come back up from the bottom throughout her entire life.
In his book, Principle, Ray Dalio, the founder of Bridgewater Hedge Fund, introduced one of his work principles: “Create a culture in which it is okay to make mistakes and unacceptable not to learn from them”. From his perspective, pain is a message that something is wrong, and it’s also an effective teacher that one shouldn’t do that wrong thing again. Once we realize that the pain from the failure is a signal of a valuable lesson, we accept the result and begin to find out how we can improve to achieve our results.
As mentioned above, our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors can be a self-reinforcing cycle. When we take a positive perspective like “Lesson”, our daily experience becomes continuous experiments with the objective of personal growth. Let’s see the power of the “Lesson” perspective using John’s example.
John took a lot of effort to prepare for a job interview. On the day of the interview, he gave his one hundred percent but unfortunately still didn’t get the job. He received some feedback from the interviewer on what he could work on to improve his presentation and communication skills. Instead of seeing this result as a failure, he saw this as a great opportunity to improve because the feedback gave him clear direction regarding areas he should focus on. Although he felt a bit frustrated in the beginning, he felt excited about all the action plans he made based on the feedback from the interviewer. He was ready to take the next challenge because he knew challenges meant growth.
Failure vs. Lesson on CBT Model
The CBT model of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors mentioned above provides a useful concept of how we can help clients who have built up a habitual “Failure” perspective to make a shift to a “Lesson” perspective. Both CBT and coaching emphasize the importance of being aware of how a particular perspective, thought or belief is influencing our emotions and behaviors. A good way to start is to help our clients have a clear understanding of how their thought-emotion-behavior loop is working for them.
Some useful questions include:
- When you first heard the result, what were your thoughts?
- What did this result/experience make you feel?
- How did your feelings affect your decision on your future action?
- What impact did these thoughts have on you? On your future? And on people around you?
- What role has this perspective you take on the result played in your life?
After the client identifies this disempowering “Failure” perspective, we invite the client to now take a “Lesson” perspective and think about the possibilities they can create from the experiences they once considered a failure.
Some useful questions include:
- Looking back at everything you went through from this experience, what have you learned that can help you improve in the future?
- How can the lessons you learned make you grow?
- When you continue to learn from every experience, what does it say about you as a person?
- How would this new perspective affect you in your life?
- How do you feel if you were to take this new perspective and make it a part of your identity?
The last question above involves identity. James Clear mentioned in his well-known book, Atomic Habits, that the most effective way to change a habit is to change the identity. If the client has a clear goal and a clear purpose, linking the empowering perspective to their identity might help to consolidate this newly-formed perspective. The key, however, is still the repetition of this “Lesson” perspective. Through practice outside of coaching sessions, the perspective eventually becomes an integrated part of the client. The client now enjoys learning from experiences and taking on new challenges.
We are now living in a fast-changing world where things are evolving at an unprecedented speed. We will need to learn to make mistakes and learn from them fast in order to adapt. Most failures are great opportunities to gain new insights about ourselves and our goals. The “Failure vs. Lesson” power tool can help shift our disempowering perspective to one that will keep us on track for continuous development and growth.
References
Wright, J. H., Brown, G. K., Thase, M. E., Basco, M. R. (2006). Learning cognitive-behavior therapy: An illustrated guide. American Psychiatric Publishing.
Dweck, C. S. (2019). The Choice to Make a Difference. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 14(1), 21–25.
Stanford University. [Stanford]. (2008, June 16). Oprah Winfrey's 2008 Stanford Commencement Address [Video]. YouTube.
Dalio, R. (2017, September 19). Principles: Life and Work (Illustrated). Simon & Schuster.
Clear, J. (2018, October 16). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones (Illustrated). Avery.