A Coaching Power Tool By Nicole Paul, Leadership Coach, UNITED STATES
The Empathy vs. Detachment Definition
Empathy has never been more important in managing people and teams than now. A more traditional, and I would argue, outdated approach might dictate that empathy is superfluous in the workplace and the relationship between the manager and employee is secondary to performance and productivity. However, in this paper, I will argue that empathy is a superpower and when used effectively can boost efficiency, productivity, attendance, and overall performance.
Researchers have differentiated types of empathy and depending on the source, most researchers list two to three types. Goleman and Ekman identify three categories: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy. Cognitive empathy, also called perspective-taking, is understanding how another person feels and what they might be thinking. Emotional empathy involves physically feeling what another person feels. Adding in this type of empathy decreases the likelihood that someone will understand another’s point of view without internalizing his or her emotions. Finally, compassionate empathy is a skill grounded in the knowledge that we’re all connected (Goleman, 2008).
On the flip side, there is detachment. Detachment refers to being disconnected or disengaged from others and can cause difficulty empathizing with others, poor listening skills, and problems with relationships (Cherry, 2023). It’s not difficult to see how these behaviors associated with detachment could decrease manager effectiveness.
Positive and Negative Aspects of Both Empathy vs. Detachment
Before going further, I want to acknowledge there are positive and negative aspects of both empathy and detachment. First, let’s explore empathy and clarify what it means, or what it doesn’t, in terms of this power tool. Leaning too far into empathy can result in over-identification and being driven by feelings. Over-reliance on empathy can hinder decision-making and critical thinking in the workplace. There’s even a movement in the past several years regarding terminology where empathy is being reconsidered in favor of compassion, with the idea that compassion is less intense. This paper won’t debate which is better, but I did want to acknowledge this and that how empathy is defined here may be closer to compassion, for some. The clearest understanding of empathy, for me, comes from a supervisor I had when practicing as a mental health therapist. To be most effective when working with clients, visualize a line on the floor and that you have one foot on either side of the line. One side represents the client’s perspective, and one side represents mine. If I have both feet on my side then I risk coming across as cool, disengaged, and uncaring. Conversely, with both feet on the client’s side, I’m joining them in the problem, and we may both be lost. I don’t need to feel the client’s anxiety as deeply as they do, but it is important I understand it and value their experience. Balanced empathy is the goal. One more thing that often comes up around empathy. Empathy does not mean agreement. I don’t have to agree with the decisions someone made in order to understand the pain those decisions may have caused. Empathy is judgment-free.
Now let’s turn to detachment. Detachment can be positive at times. One may make a choice to detach from something that is unhealthy or causing harm. In coaching, detachment is important to maintain professional boundaries and to ensure we are not imposing our own beliefs on our clients. The International Coaching Federation (2021) core competency of Cultivates Trust and Safety (Competency 4), states a coach should partner with the client to create a safe and supportive environment. Marker 4.4 refers to inviting the client to respond in any way and accepting the client’s response. This is a good illustration of positive detachment. A coach needs to let the client drive the car, so to speak. But this does not mean being cold or uncaring. You can care without being invested in the direction the client wants to go. For the purposes of this power tool, detachment is not done as a protective device or a way to become disentangled from enmeshment in relationships.
To reinforce the definitions of empathy and detachment in the context of this power tool:
- Empathy means understanding, caring, and seeing things from another’s perspective in a balanced way.
- Detachment looks like engagement and neglecting the humanity of your direct report with a sole focus on productivity and performance.
I have identified my coaching niche as Leadership Coaching, specifically working with new leaders who lack experience in managing individual contributors and dealing with team dynamics. My chosen niche and leadership experience inform the development of my power tool. Striking the right balance with empathy can be tricky for any leader, particularly new leaders. Some go too far in one direction (detachment) wanting to be seen as an expert and as the authority. Others try to be friends with their direct reports and become too emotionally involved.
New leaders are typically promoted into leadership positions because they were good in their previous roles. However, the skill set needed to manage a team and be responsible for others’ performance is very different from the skills developed to excel as an individual contributor. Leadership training is often insufficient and, in some cases, non-existent. This puts new leaders in a difficult position, trying to learn how to lead a team ‘on the fly’ and creates unnecessary frustration, mistakes, and instability for all involved.
There is a common saying that people don’t leave their jobs, they leave their managers. As someone who led teams for almost 20 years, I’ve read countless books and articles and heard speakers discuss the importance of strong leadership and its role in employee satisfaction, performance, and retention. A Gallup article states, “The employee experience begins and ends with the manager” (Suellentrop & Bauman, 2021). A strong, simple, and clear statement! Knowing how important a leader is to an employee’s experience it is easy to see how critical strong leadership skills are. Empathy is one of the more critical skills needed to become an effective leader.
How might this dichotomy present with a new leader and contribute to feeling stuck? Using my own experience as an example, as well as research on empathy and leadership, I’ll explore how flipping the perspective to empathy leads to greater success and satisfaction.
In my first leadership role, I was promoted amongst my peers and needed to navigate switching roles and the impact of the change in relationships. I overcorrected. I wanted to be seen as credible and my own doubts caused me to lean too far into what I thought was professional, but actually was detachment. Because that felt unnatural, I then vacillated into over-identification and too friendly. I probably imagined it as empathy, but it was not. I also lost sight of the importance of empathy as I became engrossed with my new responsibilities. The learning curve and desire to perform well caused me to put my head down and focus solely on the task at hand. Anything that interfered with that was seen as a hurdle to overcome instead of taking time to pause and really see and listen to the person in front of me. The result: detachment.
People want to work in an environment where they feel valued and seen. They don’t want to be seen as a number or cog that is only there to produce. Everyone is unique and has different skills they bring to the workplace. When a manager is in detachment, personalization gets lost. They aren’t listening and they aren’t seeing the bigger picture. Their focus is on the “thing” being made or sold or provided; not on the person contributing. When someone is inaccessible emotionally and it is clear they aren’t interested in us as a person, we generally respond in a like manner. While internal motivation is great, it is also nice, at times, to be celebrated and inspired by your leader. I’ve heard leaders say something to the effect of, “Their reward is their paycheck” or “I don’t have time to handhold and give participation ribbons to people all day.” Statements like these are gross misunderstandings of what empathy is and looks like. Additionally, I would argue that if you don’t make time to develop empathy as part of your leadership style, you won’t have a healthy, highly functioning team to meet the goals with which you’re concerned.
When empathy is practiced there is a connection. The connection in that relationship increases our willingness to go the extra mile and to show up engaged. I know for myself, when I’ve worked with leaders who take the time to get to know me, seem interested in my development and my ideas, and who treat me as an individual I am happier in my work and perform at a higher level. I’ve observed the same in colleagues and people reporting to me.
Demonstrating empathy in the workplace is positively correlated with better performance, both for the manager using empathy and for the employee working under that manager. Empathy is a key component of emotional intelligence and overall effectiveness as a leader as it leads to better communication (Center for Creative Leadership, 2023). A Forbes (2021) article cites a Catalyst study that when people reported their leader as empathetic, they were more likely to report higher levels of innovation, engagement, retention, inclusivity, and work-life balance.
For a leader trying to build empathy into their leadership style, they can begin by asking themselves a couple of questions. Considering cognitive empathy, they can think, “If I were in his/her position, what would I be thinking right now?”. Focus can also be brought to emotional empathy by asking, “Being in his/her position would make me feel…”. Checking in, asking questions, and taking cues from the employee all contribute to demonstrating empathy (Forbes, 2021).
As a coach using this power tool (in blended coaching), there are a couple of inroads to help a leader who may be struggling in this area see the value in empathy and begin to strengthen it as a leadership skill. First, start with self. Explore with the client how they prefer to be managed, and how they have performed under different leadership styles, and think about the qualities of leaders they admire. People need varying levels of empathy from their leader, but most need at least some. There is also, as seen above, a strong business case for empathy in leadership. Second, asking questions similar to those above can help a manager build cognitive and emotional empathy with direct reports.
To be an empathetic leader requires understanding, first. To understand, one must listen, and not just respond. The philosophy ‘seek first to understand, then to be understood’ is a good mantra to adopt. If empathy is not something a leader finds a way to weave in organically, then he or she would benefit from having regular check-ins with employees where they listen to understand. There may be a tendency to want to fix or give advice. That’s not empathy. While we are geared to solve problems in the workplace, it’s important to listen and understand first and remember that you’re fixing the problem, not the person.
In summary, empathy is a critical skill for any people leader. The power tool of empathy vs. detachment can help when working with someone who consciously or unconsciously is stuck in detachment and struggling with his or her team. This tool brings awareness to the empathy gap and creates understanding regarding the importance of empathy, its role in high-functioning teams, and how to build empathy into one’s leadership style.
References
Bauman, A. S. and E. B. (2022, November 11). How influential is a good manager? Gallup.com.
Brower, Tracy P. (2022, November 9). Empathy is the most important leadership skill according to research. Forbes.
Cherry, K. (2023, April 10). Identifying and overcoming emotional detachment. Verywell Mind.
Center for Creative Leadership. (2023, April 7). The importance of empathy in the workplace. CCL.
Goleman, D. (2008). Hot to help. Greater Good.