Power Tool: Interdependence vs. Co-Dependency

Interdependent people understand that we are all engaging in a lifelong process of learning and development and that people inherently do what they believe to be good in any given situation and that people are not necessarily bad, incompetent or ignorant. Interdependent’s understand that people have problems they don’t know how to solve or do not feel capable of solving. Interdependent people do not allow others to abuse or neglect them. They seek help when necessary if an important person in their life is engaging in self-destructive behavior. There are many 12 step groups like Al-Anon, ALA-Teen, CoDA, and others to help educate and empower people to be able to live an empowered, emotionally healthy, and balanced life when they are faced with the self-destructive habits of significant others in their lives.

Interdependent people have some of the following underlying belief structures:

Common behavioral/emotional patterns of interdependent people:

COACHING APPLICATION

REALITY AND RESPONSIBILITY TESTING

Helping clients get in touch with the deeper reality beyond their own knee jerk internal belief responses is really what helps a codependent see the potential they have been letting slip away. To test a codependents understanding ask questions that gets them to think about their situation:

1. To what percent do you feel responsible for_________?
2. What are you really responsible for here?
3. What can you really control in this situation?
4. Why do you believe that?
5. What could you change about yourself that would change this situation?
6. What does the best possible you look like in this situation?
7. What if you yourself were the change agent here and that your responses made a real difference.  If you saw yourself as powerful instead of powerless, what would you do?
8. It seems like you are assuming that ___________can’t change.  Is that true?
9. What environment, resource, or opportunity do you think it would take for ______ to change?
10. What if you made a more fundamental change than what you are proposing? What would that look like?
11. Your options seem to be based on a belief that_____________. Is that working for you in this situation? How could you adjust that belief to create a different situation here?
12. If you got really radical in this situation what would you do?
13. What resources could you tap into to help you with this?
14. Imagine you are 70 years old and you did nothing to challenge and change this situation, what would you regret the most?
15. You’ve told me why you have avoided this situation. What is it costing you to continue to avoid this?
16. What would you need to change in your attitude and responses for you to function at your best in the middle of this situation, even if the circumstances don’t change?
17. What is this experience teaching you? What is the gift the pain brings?
18. How could you use this experience to be a defining moment for you, where you rise up and engage it out of what you were made to be?

SELF DISCOVERY

Most codependents and empaths have lost a sense of self and have deferred their own dreams and desires to support others in accomplishing what was important to the significant people in their life. The codependent may not even remember what they liked to do or what was important to them.  Leading them into a self-discovery phase is an important part of helping codependents reclaim a life they want to live.

1. What do you already know about what you were meant to do in life?
2. How do you know that?
3. What did you want to be when you were a child?
4. Did you pursue that? Why or why not? Tell me what happened when you did or did not pursue that?
5. If time and money were not an issue what would you do to bring you a sense of happiness and freedom?
6. What roles and responsibilities do you enjoy?  What brought you a feeling of vitality and joy?  What drained you?
7. What do you know is definitely NOT a part of your ideal role in life?
8. What do those who know you best say you were born to do?
9. What brings you joy?
10. What are your most notable personality traits?
11. What sense of purpose are you drawn to from your culture or community?
12. What valuable experiences do you have that you can draw upon to accomplish your dreams?
13. What 5 things feed your soul?  How could you add these to your schedule?