Defeat
In this powertool, the word ‘defeat’ represents any feeling, situation or behaviour that demonstrates a weak, resigned, stressed, worried or unhappy person. Listen carefully as it could be disguised. Life is unpredictable. You could be happily living your life, going about your day and BANG you get blindsided! These types of events and experiences are actually very common: you lose your job, you or someone in your family becomes seriously ill, your business is not working out the way you had hoped, your partner leaves you, you are in a car accident, your best employee resigns and goes to work for the competition. The possibilities are endless. We are living in a society that appears to be on edge. There are studies now in the United States that have shown that since 9/11 over half of that country is experiencing greater levels of worry and stress (Gitomer, 2011). When these situations occur it is easy to slip into victim mentality – become a martyr, get into the blame game. It is imperative to let go of the blame, and realize that you are infinite potential. Everything that happens ‘to’ you is for your growth, even though we lack the ability to see it this way sometimes. Everything that happens around you, you create. This may be a huge shift in perspective, but a powerful step forward. Erica Jong once said
Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.
In his book ‘Reframe Your Blame’, Fiset (2007) offers some ways to identify if you or someone is acting or thinking like a victim:
If you think about it, our society today actually teaches us to be victimized. We learn from a very early age that deciding who is responsible is essential, and whenever something goes wrong there is someone to blame. Try watching the evening news, and see how with every story someone is to blame for that situation, either directly or indirectly. When feelings of ‘defeat’ consume us, it is often due to our lack of understanding our underlying beliefs. All the things we heard and were told as a child, all the messages, verbal and non-verbal affected what we started to internalize and believe about ourselves. Often, this is all about comparing ourselves to others. These beliefs sit in our subconscious and have been described as ‘a conductor, orchestrating your life’. As with everything in life, we have choices.
In times of defeat we can:
We have all heard people say things like, “I’m doing the best I can”, or “that’s what I was told to do”. These responses are really excuses and show that the person is not taking responsibility for themselves. They are still in victim mode. When we continue to blame others for what we have or don’t have, or what we feel or don’t feel we are giving away our power over our life. It is important not to let our limiting beliefs about what we can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible, keep us stuck in the wrong place.
A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind Elly Roselle.
Coaching Application
In helping our clients to understand that resilience is the ability to bounce back from whatever life hands us, a great visualization is to imagine what happens when we are pushed under water – we instinctively rise back to the surface. We are buoyant. It is important to recognize that resilience is not perfectionism. Perfectionists fear making any mistakes, and so despite the fact that they may do well in live, in how they perform and accomplish many things, they never really push themselves or take any chances to do their best. Can you recognize the description of a perfectionist in your client’s conversation? As a coach, hearing your client’s answers to the following questions will begin to give you a good perspective of where they are on the scale of resiliency. How do you respond when change is happening and your plans go off the rails? What situations cause you to worry? How do you respond when you are faced with challenges and constantly asked questions? How do you deal with emergencies at home? At work? It may not take you long in your powerful questioning to realize that your client is worried, scared or stressed out. Now you must find out the cause of these feelings – and you may be surprised by what you find out.
Reflection
In reflection, consider these statements extracted from the writings of many authors. Perhaps they will elevate your thinking with regard to resiliency and its value to each of us. The good news is resilience can be learned. As a coach, supporting your client to their highest level of resilience is most rewarding.
RESILIENT people have an internal locus of control. In other words, they believe that they, not other people or circumstances, control how they feel.
RESILIENT people have high self-esteem and self-efficiency.
RESILIENT people have personal goals that they are constantly working toward
RESILIENT people are able to find some sort of meaning in all circumstances in life
RESILIENT people can use past successes to confront current challenges
RESILIENT people can view stress as a challenge/way to get stronger
RESILIENT people can use humor, patience, tolerance, and optimism in the face of a crisis
RESILIENT people can adapt to change
RESILIENT people take an action-oriented approach. They don’t bury their head in the sand when trouble comes; they face it and conquer it.
RESILIENT people have strong relationships and ask for help
RESILIENT people have spiritual faith
References
Burchard, B., (2012). The Charge: Activating the 10 Human Drives That Make You Feel Alive. 1st ed. New York, NY: Free Press. Fiset, J., (2007).
Reframe Your Blame: How to be Personally Accountable. 1st ed. Calgary, Alberta: Personal Best Publications.
February 2013 Power Tool for Coaches Darlene Schindel Gitomer, J, (2011).
Little Book of Leadership. 1st ed. Hoboken, New Jersey: Wiley $ Sons. Ratey, J.J., (2008).
Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. 1st ed. New York, NY. :
Little Brown and Co. Reivich, K. & Shatte, A., (2002).
The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life’s Hurdles. 1st ed. New York, NY. Broadway Books.
; Accessed April 1, 2012