A Coaching Power Tool By Lauren Purse, Transition Coach & Confidence Coaching for Women, NEW ZEALAND
Too often when we struggle, we’re more likely to beat ourselves up than put a supportive arm around our own shoulder’- Dr Kristin Neff, 2021
Criticism vs. Kindness: Origin Story
My coaching power tool has grown out of my own experience of choosing to offer kindness to myself rather than criticism.
In the last week of March, I woke up to another day of parenting, keeping on top of the housework, supporting my partner, and carving out time to study. I felt frustrated at my lack of progress in my ICA portfolio and my slow improvements in my coaching practice; all of a sudden I felt a strong annoyance towards myself. I began to tell myself that I wouldn’t be able to complete my portfolio, I wouldn’t pass my exams and I would let my partner and myself down; I was overwhelmed by my inner critic. After almost half an hour of this torturous cycle, I returned to the present moment in a self-criticism daze. I realized that if I wanted to move forward I needed to offer myself words of kindness, not critique. Before I could do that I needed to gift myself an act of kindness that would cultivate endorphins and a sense of achievement, gently pulling myself out of my current mindset. I put on my running gear, put the baby in his pram, and put on music that would motivate me to run and reflect.
Another 15 minutes later, I found myself enjoying this act of kindness – this non-judgemental space I had stepped into – and I felt able to offer myself some kind, compassionate words. I told myself that I have been working as best as I can towards my goal of becoming a qualified coach given my circumstances; that I am a caring mum and partner; that everyone experiences blocks and setbacks and I am doing the best I can in my circumstance. I repeated these words of kindness. I found that understanding my situation with kindness, rather than criticism allowed me to see a clear path through my limiting beliefs and I was able to take action that moved me towards my goals.
I had successfully coached myself: flipping my criticism to kindness and it had completely changed my outlook – I was no longer frozen by my inner critic.
Defining Criticism vs. Kindness
Definition of Criticism: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, personal criticism can be defined as “the passing of judgment on a person or thing; esp. the expression of a harsh or unfavorable opinion of a person or thing; fault-finding, censure” (OED Online, 2023 (1)), with the first reference to personal criticism in a literary context appearing as early as 1607.
Definition of Kindness: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, kindness can be defined as “the quality or state of being kind” and a “fondness, affection, or love for someone or something” (OED Online, 2023 (2)), with the earliest recorded literary reference to kindness around 1300.
Defining self-criticism and self-kindness looks slightly different.
Like the origin story of my power tool, the first thing many of us do when we find ourselves stuck is to criticize ourselves – in idea creation, decision-making, and action planning. Often we are harsher and more critical of the self than we are of others. Instead of offering ourselves kindness in these moments, we criticize – often triggering a negative thought cycle leaving us feeling trapped by our inner critic (Walzer, 1987).
The voice of an inner critic isn’t reserved for any particular group within society (Walzer, 1987). A search on jstor.org provides thousands of articles suggesting, discouraging, and dissecting personal self-criticism. As early as 1894, authors were encouraging teachers to be self-critical (“SELF-CRITICISM”, 1894). The self-criticism I am referring to goes beyond a critique of our work techniques; I am talking about the self-criticism that ‘produces surplus pain – not merely embarrassment, chagrin, regret, or remorse, but a paralyzing sense of inadequacy, endless guilt and self-loathing’ (Walzer, 1987). This intense amount of self-criticism causes us to be frozen in the moment, unable to move towards our goals.
Choosing to criticize ourselves, instead of showing kindness, slowly chips away at our self-esteem. Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a newly self-employed consultant who is talented and brave, we might see someone who is irresponsible and incapable of gaining clients.
The importance of choosing kindness over criticism of self cannot be underestimated in the self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence space. The very foundations of building personal strength in our sense of self lie in how we communicate with ourselves. When our inner voice is kind and compassionate, our actions are too.
Self-criticism can trap our clients in a reality where they begin to believe the negative self-talk instead of understanding it as just that, talk. Applying a kind and compassionate tone to our inner voice takes practice, like any psychological shift, but there are ways within a coaching context that our clients can begin this journey by reframing criticism as kindness.
It is hard to pinpoint when self-criticism originated; but it is clear that it has been studied for decades and used by the Communist Party in various countries as a form of improvement (Grusec and Ezrin, 1972).
I have chosen criticism as the flipped perspective because it is an area that I personally experience as well as the clients I work with. No matter what topic my clients bring to our coaching space, an overly critical voice often holds them back from finding a way through to their desired future. Neale (2022, November 28th), recommends self-kindness to counter the tendency women have in receiving positive feedback in a work context. She has found that many women use self-criticism as a motivator to grow, rather than offering kindness to see the positives.
My power tool taps into the area of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) by questioning the inner critic and softening it with kindness to develop and nurture self-soothing techniques (Vidal and Soldevilla, 2023).
Holden et al (2020) explored the relationship between how we treat ourselves and our overall health; they went on to find that when self-kindness is administered it can support healthier lifestyle choices which can see an improvement in physical and mental health. This seemingly small change in the tone of our inner voice could have a significant impact on the overall health and well-being of clients.
I anticipate that when clients offer kindness to themselves – in words or actions – they will slowly build up their self-compassion, quieten their inner critic, and be able to confidently move towards their goals. By choosing to offer an act of kindness to themselves, in the same way they might to others, they are choosing themselves again and again. They are demonstrating to themselves that they are worthy of kindness and that they should be celebrated for what they want to achieve, rather than being brought down for wanting to achieve it.
Kindness vs. Criticism in Practice
Background: In April 2023, I started working with a new client, J. In our sessions together she shared that she mostly listened to her inner critic rather than offering herself kindness. Over a series of sessions together, she explored this tendency and what it might look like to speak kindly of herself instead.
In our 3rd session, J shared a win around the value she places on herself. Even whilst sharing this win, both her body language and her choice of words suggested she was still tuning into her inner critic despite experiencing a big win for her confidence. I asked J 2 questions; firstly: ‘How did this make you feel?’, and in response to her answer of ‘powerful, strong’, I asked: ‘How can you celebrate yourself?’. Initially, this question appeared to make J uncomfortable. After thinking for a minute, she told me she was proud of herself for recognizing the value of her skills and advocating for herself.
I have coached a number of clients since my sessions with J and have found there is no one way to encourage clients to show kindness to themselves. In fact, the most successful has been asking how they can celebrate themselves. It shifts their mindset from critique to kindness without explicitly using the word.
As my clients are women struggling with self-compassion, self-esteem, and confidence I continue to use this power tool through the questions below. I intend to develop this tool as I grow my practice to continue to serve my clients best to shift from criticism to kindness.
Questions to Encourage a Shift to Kindness
- I can hear a strong sense of criticism coming from you. What might it sound like to counter this with a phrase of kindness?
- How would it feel to offer yourself kindness in this situation, instead of criticism?
- What might it sound like if you were to offer yourself some compassionate words right now?
- What words of kindness do you need to hear?
- What might it look like to create a compassionate space for yourself?
- What would you like to hear from your kind and compassionate self?
- What would happen if you were to offer yourself kindness and compassion?
- How could you celebrate yourself instead of criticizing?
- What act of kindness would you like to gift yourself?
- How are you going to take this lesson of kindness and use it during your week?
References
“criticism, n.”. OED Online. March 2023. Oxford University Press. (accessed April 01, 2023).
“kindness, n.”. OED Online. March 2023. Oxford University Press. (accessed April 01, 2023).
Grusec, J. E., & Ezrin, S. A. (1972). Techniques of Punishment and the Development of Self-Criticism. Child Development, 43(4), 1273–1288.
Holden, C L., Rollins, P., and Gonzalez, M (2020). Does how you treat yourself affect your health? The relationship between health-promoting behaviors and self-compassion among a community sample. Journal of Health Psychology, 26 (12)
Neale, P. (2022, November 28th). How Self-Compassion Can Help Women In Leadership See The Complete Picture. Forbes.
Neff, K. (2021). Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive.
SELF-CRITICISM. (1894). The Journal of Education, 39(2 (952)), 21–21.
Soldevilla, J and Vidal, J (2023) Effect of compassion-focused therapy on self-criticism and self-soothing: A meta-analysis. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62 (1), 70 – 81.
Walzer, M. (1987). Notes on Self-Criticism. Social Research, 54(1), 33–43.